Since finding out he is living with his new girlfriend that he was having An affair with who we fought about for months, I just can't get the image of them out of my head. I knew they would end up sleeping together, but living together already too. It's coming up on 2 months ( on Monday) since he walked out but knowing the entire time I've been thinking about him and crying I just am so mad at myself because he has been with her. I haven't seen him in a month and a half and contact had been very minimal as well. I told him I never wanted to hear from or see him again after he told me. ( especially because he had just finished telling me 3 minutes before he told me about his new relationship he wanted to be friends, he wanted to see me, that we would be great friends even though we didn't work out romantically, and was trying to plan a get together the next day.) I have not spoken to him since he told me, but I would by lying if I said I didn't want to reach out to him, to yell and scream, try and make him feel bad for the pain he is causing. But I haven't. I won't. My pride is already been hurt enough.
The me before I started going to therapy would have just jumped into bed with the first cute guy I saw that night I found out about the affair, try and make myself feel better with any other kind of male attention. The " hahah this is so vengeful " yet he never would have known it even happened. I would have justified it that well he has her and I'm alone so at least I won't think about it. But then I would feel horrible about myself because it would mean nothing, nothing to me and nothing to the other person. Believe me I'm looking for little nothings to occupy my time ( not necessarily people) but just tasks to get my mind off of things.
Sometimes I think it's tempting to just get my mind off of him, get it off of them with having a meaningless fling. I'm only 28 and am condsidered a very attractive person, so if I really wanted to I'm sure I wouldn't have a problem. But then I just remember it's not him. I meant so so little to my own husband that I just don't think I can handle meaning nothing to someone else, even if it was a mutual nothingness. I don't think I'm ready to datE, especially the men my age right now that only think about getting a woman in their bed and then never speaking to them again. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if 2 consenting adults want to do whatever they want that's none of my business. I'm just so out of this. I thought I was done. I've only been with one person so long I just don't even know how to think about being with someone else. It's still hard because I do still love my soon to be ex husband, so this realization is a hard pill to swallow, I was replaced. TRUST me, I know I shouldn't care about him at all from the way he treated me during our marriage and especially now in our divorce. He's been terrible, I know I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. But I would have continued being married crying almost every day because of him, just so he could justify having an affair. I thought he would snap out of it, maybe I was just so blinded by how much I cared for him. I definitely stopped caring about myself. That's a hard realization because now I only have myself and I need to learn how to care for me. I just can't seem to shut off the feelings for him even though I know he no longer feels anything for me, especially respect. All I want is to hate him, to stop thinking about him, to stop loving him.
I'm finding it's hard being everywhere I am now. Work reminds me of all the sacrifices I made by staying at a job I hated to make sure I had benefits for us, that I had money coming in because he always seemed to be short on his portion of the bills. I never got the luxury of just figuring out what I wanted to do because I never even got a chance to breathe with all his new endeavors. It was always changing, upheaval, me sacrifices so he could have what he wanted. I still do have memories in almost every restaurant, bar, movie theater around with him so even when I try to get my mind off things I'm thinking about him, them. He took everything I had finiancially so I had to love to my mothers temporarily while he lives in the heart of the city with her.
I want to change jobs, careers. I manage a restaurant and am very good at it. I just don't love doing it. Now I just want to give up my responsibilities and be a face in the crowd, go back to serving or bar tending. I don't want to be someone's boss right now. I just want to make friends my age, get invited out with people similar to me. But now I'm terrified of working in the city and seeing them out together. The restaurant business is a smal business and everyone knows everyone even in a city. At least where I am right now I know they won't walk in there.
I started managing people twice my age when I was 21 years old. I've always had a solid head on my shoulder, been responsible, never really gave myself time to be young. I know that serving and bartending won't fufill my hopes and dreams, but maybe it will just give me some time to think about what I really want. I'm just terrified to go back to a profession that is so up in the air. I have bills, even more now than before our marriage because I had to pay for everything. I might make more, but not knowing is scary.
I've been talking to some friends and family members, and I told them I just want to take off to Europe for 1 maybe even 2 or 3 months. I've never EVER done anything like it. But that's also so irresponsible because the money I would spend there should be spent on the divorce I'm being forced to pay for and the bills from our life I am now stuck with. I just know I am constantly worried about seeing him, about seeing them, thinking about what they are doing or what they aren't doing and getting mad at myself every time I do. I just feel like if I don't get a big change and soon I'm gonna go crazy. I feel like the great, fun caring happy person that was inside of me once is dying slowly, that this moody sad pessimistic person is taking over, and I just need something to bring me back to life.
I am luckily enough to have family meme era that support me, that allow me to stay with them and do not expect me to pay for much so I can get back on my feet. I am luckily enough that, even though I wanted them, I don't have any children and can just decide where I want to go and what I want to do from here. But at night time when I'm all alone I forget how " lucky" I am and how much worse things could be and I just get anxious and sad. Then I don't sleep, and then it starts all over again. Everyone says things get better, easier, and I really hope everyone is right. I don't want to feel this horrible anymore. If anyone has advice that maybe they did leave drop all their responsibilities and regretted it, or they with they could have, or that maybe it was the best thing they ever did, I would love to know. Thanks.