I hear you. I have the exact same thoughts, concerns & worries.

But the more people i talk to & meet, the more i realize what we're going through is the norm, and the other cases the exception.

Here are some of the things I'm learning:

Sure, we may have codependent tendencies, weaknesses, neuroses, etc. But when a love bond is broken, one that is true & real, there will be pain. Some avoid it altogether by jumping into another relationship, some drink it away, some with money will buy new toys, take trips & pretty much "buy" their way through the pain, some work it away, etc..
And of course the pain is just sitting there waiting for the right time to surface & manifest as depression, guilt, remorse, anxiety, etc. etc.

I know some very interesting, attractive, successful people who were brought to their knees after a divorce. There's no going around it unless you didn't really love the person, and even then, it can hurt.

But our minds also can play into the process, So we do have a choice to some degree of following the thoughts that keep leading to pain and working with those thoughts--explore them, release them, whatever it takes, so they don't just go round & round, because they will. So there are things we can do to help ourselves along. We don't always have to be a passive bystander.

perhaps we are just good people who love with our whole hearts, perhaps (most) men can just compartmentalise their lives in a way we can't. Perhaps we are hotwired differently. Either way, I don't think we deserve this hurt. Perhaps next time we will meet someone who will show us that our ability to love is the best thing ever, instead of it being a stick to beat us / ourselves with. Let's hope so. I never want love to be a cause of this much misery again. (((hugs))))

i AM going on with my life, just in a more realistic way than my ex is. im paralized by what happend. i think thats normal. my ex has to be constantly fed self worth. what he is doing and how sad i know he feels on the inside has more to do with issues from his past relationships and nothing at all to do with the ending of our relationship. my ex has been running from his problems all his life. he always runs. he never stops and looks inside. it scares him. and it scares alot of people to look inside. does it suck to watch? of course. does it make me feel like i never had any value to him? most definitely.
but when i am sane and of rational mind and have actually slept and can step away from this, i realize that he doesnt think enough of himself to get the help he knows and has admitted he needs. there is no way he could have loved me to his full capacity because he didnt even love himself.

if its fundamentally wrong for me to not want to be selfish and dump my problems from my past relationship in a new relationship, then yes. i have something fundamentally wrong with me.

i dont know why others feel what they feel. im speaking about my feelings- thats all i can do. and as far as feeling a different kind of love, again, im not sure what kind of love everyone else felt. it cant be measured.

best of luck to you.

wow. I am grateful to you folks on here that can make such sense out of our collective situations. Very well said, grace63 and ilr. Great posts. I totally agree...those that can move out without dealing with the pain are in some kind of denial, which does serve it's purpose. But in trying to live one's most authentic life, denial has no place. I have had my moments of denying my hurt but I always get around to feeling it and examining it (when I am strong enough) as that is the way through it.

I guess, not everybody is capable of giving unconditional love. This is why people like us gets shocked, when we thought we married to somebody who is JUST LIKE US

I had my share of wake up call.

cwalla, things are not what they seem...that I have learned...

Some people have the "ability" to just run, but then they never grow. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you are, i share all those sentiments at times. I think the ones that won't run away are the ones who are doing the right thing, not that it makes it any easier.

I think the real difference is the expectations...if you go into a relationship expecting to feel good all the time, then its easier to run when you don't feel right...but if you go into the relationship expecting to GROW and LEARN and change with your partner, then marriage takes a different meaning and much different expectations.

You absolutely should EXPECT a marriage to last, but both most share that. And running away isn't right.

We are all getting on with our lives. Some of us facing the hard reality and pain, working through it and (slowly) moving on to something else that will be healthier.

For those who move on quickly, they have avoided the pain and reality. It is unavoidable. You either deal with it now or deal with it later when I believe it will actually be much worse.

For my STBX, I just tell myself that his journey is not mine to walk and I will focus on my own and what is happening to my children.