I have a few thoughts as some of your post has struck a chord with me as I was married to a narcissist, who was never wrong and could twist any situation to make herself look good.

Have you tried telling him how unhappy you are and that if he doesn’t shape up, you are gone. Perhaps his reaction could help make your decision. Another thought is therapy, some swear by it, it was not helpful in my case.

The emotionally draining discussions was a big part of what I experienced. After a long discussion I often found myself on the floor, mentally beaten in to submission with the loss of all will to defend myself. I have likened my ex to an emotional vampire in the past, feeding off turmoil and misery. I hope that you aren’t having the same experience. I found the best way to not get drained by the bloodsucker was to not have the discussion in the first place.

So “We can discuss this tomorrow morning” or “I won’t talk to you while after you have been drinking” and “I will talk to you about this when you aren’t so angry/hostile” are effective responses to extract yourself from the conversation to evade the vampire. Garlic and crosses do not work unfortunately. (I tried)

The weight of making the decision to get divorced can be crushing, especially when considering how it effects children, even if they are grown. It weighed on me for a long time, it still does. My other relationships suffered (friends and relatives), my work performance went in to the toilet, and my physical health took a nose dive thanks to my newfound friend anxiety.

There is no easy answer and should you go through with it, you will question your decision for a long time, so try to be as certain as possible.

Honestly it sounds like you are fed up, but still want to give him the opportunity to turn things around. State your case to him, be direct, give him the opportunity to share how he feels. Then decide if you can live with his answers.

He is a jackass if he can’t see how good you are to him.

You are not stupid at all Rosewaterrain. So I can't give you any advice on how to handle your stupidity. Manipulative people..spend years questioning our thoughts, decisions, intelligence, and slowing breaking our self confidence down...so they can ultimately control us.

It's not something that happens overnight...its insidious.

You actually seem like a very intelligent, hard working, loyal, and forgiving woman. I've been in a similiar situation with someone who refused to appreciate me despite how much harder I worked, more giving I am, and more forgiving I was.

I thought if I showed him how selfless I was...that he would learn by osmosis how to be those things back to me. It never worked. I just became so tired, and so defeated...I became a shell of a person.

I have no doubt that you work just as hard or harder than him...providing and carrying for your family...however you have bought into the psychological manipulation...that it isn't as important as what he does.

You have given a not so nice man unconditional love...and he has given you conditional love.

I tried to change my partner...and I realized it was never going to happen. Because I had tolerated so much bad behavior...and he got what he wanted b/c I gave in for so many years...he had no incentive to change. This is not your fault...this is their own character flaw.

Is he ever going to change? Did any of the ultimatums, threats, selflessness..ever change him before? People have to want to change...as what will do that for your husband...I have no idea. But for the most part...people are who they are.

It is hard to just up and leave a 25 year relationship. It takes alot of mental work, planning, and releasing the psychological grips of an unhealthy relationship.

Some of those would be...he can't live without me, if he could only finally see how dedicated I am to him, he really loves me but he has a hard time showing it, I need to change myself and thereby he will finally love me, I should do what he wants...and he will love me.

I tried...resisting him, tough love, threatening to break up...and some of those work for a week or two..but who he is always returned.

What is wrong with you? Nothing is wrong, but you are confused and suffering from long term emotional abuse. You are most likely suffering cognitive dissonance...when 2 opposing thoughts/belief is trying to exist within you. For example - He says he loves me, but he calls me dumb everyday. He is so nice to everyone, but he hates me...so I must be the problem. He wants me to be a high value woman, but treats me with no respect behind closed doors.

You need to sit down and write out all the confusing messages...and the reality your body/mind is trying to tell you.

No Rose...someone who loves you, doesn't abuse you daily. Someone who is nice to everyone, should be nice to his wife as well. Counter each one...until you see how you've allowed yourself to confuse yourself in order to buy into his belief system.

I will tell you what I wished someone said to me when I was in your shoes. You have a sound mind. You are still a loving, giving, confident, life loving, sociable person, who loves to laugh and have fun. She is still all there. And no fucking way are you a lost cause.

You are in the same shoes that hundreds of thousands of women find themselves in...at one point or another in their lives. There is no shame in that. No shame in giving someone unconditional love, trust, forgiveness, and support.

But...it's time you give that to yourself. Life is full of checks and balances.

I read this somewhere about abusive relationships. We end up putting our God aside, and making our partner our God. We live, eat, and breathe to make him happy and approve of us. But this God is never happy...and he is mean, cruel, unappreciative, and unforgiving. If you think about that...it's a pretty scary thought right?

Thank you for your post...I think it's helped me in many ways as well...and many others in your shoes.

I would definitely focus on self care and possibly seeking some outside therapy for you. Read about emotional abuse. Talk with someone once a week...and they can help you sort thru your feelings. I don't think it's something you have to share with your husband that you are doing. You can find an online counselor as well.

I grew up in an unhealthy household...where controlling explosive behavior was normal...so when I was in my abusive relationship...I didn't see that it was so horriby different from what I suspected that men acted.

A therapist was able to tell me what healthy behaviors were. I also found the book...Inside the Mind of Angry Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft very helpful.

You are a wonderful person, talented, hard working, and beautiful...every day is a chance to begin a new path and find a way back to who we feel we truly are...no matter how many years we think we have invested or if we think we are too old to start over.

Sending you light and love!

Hi there Delusionist, firstly I want to say that I am so sorry to hear of what you went through with your ex! I commend you for making the decision to leave and move on with your life.

I often wonder how people eventually pluck up the courage to leave? Did you just up and decide the one day that it was time and you left or had you been considering leaving her for a while but battled to actually do it?

We have both been to see a marriage counsellor (therapist) after his affair but that was 15 years ago, it did help us a lot at the time. I went on my own about 2 years ago as I fell into a terrible depression after we immigrated.

I have never told him that I think he is controlling, manipulative or narcissistic I wouldn’t dare say that to him and if I did he wouldn’t believe me AND he would be livid!
I have mentioned to him a few times in the past about how using the silent treatment after every disagreement will not solve anything and it just makes matters worse, at the time he agrees but he continues to do it.

I don’t think he thinks he is doing anything wrong. He constantly tells me that 80% of our arguments are my fault because I say or do things to make him angry.

I am by no means perfect and I do mess up now and again or say something silly and he takes it the wrong way and then I get ignored for days.
I just think he gets upset too quickly and I believe most of the time it’s because of his insecurities.

Yes I am fed up, more at myself for not being able to make it all stop! I am tired of arguing over the most ridiculous things, I just want peace and to be happy. He says he wants the same....I’ve told him, he is in control of his reactions, it’s a choice, he can choose to let things annoy him or he can choose to let it go but it’s in the one ear and out the other.

Scary thing is, I find my peace on the days he ignores me....which is sad and scary that it’s got to this point.

I envy you, i don’t know if I could walk away, hence why I say I am my own worst enemy.

Even though I am sure it’s still hard for you, you did it and well done you!!! Take everyday as it comes, appreciate the small things, do something exciting something you’ve never done before, meditation is great! You sound like an amazing person. I am sure there is someone special out there that will appreciate you for who you are and love you unconditionally!

Sending you a great big hug! Stay strong x

Hi Lavender80,

Wow what a beautiful message, thank you so much!!

I am sorry to hear that you have gone through a similar experience, You sound like your in a better place now.

I hear you, I see all the red flags, I think I have for years.
I am “stuck” and scared!
It’s the typical situation of if I don’t do anything nothing will change, I just don’t have the confidence to leave.

I have threatened once or twice to leave in the past, it didn’t phase him too much because he knew I wouldn’t do it.
It’s like my brain says nothing will change but my heart says no things will get better.

He is definitely a covert narcissist, it’s all done very subtly. He makes me think that I am the problem, I am continuously trying to change myself for him so he will be proud of me, so he will be happy. I have changed so much of myself to fit into his mould, I don’t know how much more I must do.

I am constantly taking slimming pills so I don’t pick up weight because he does not like overweight people. I know this is not healthy but I just CAN NOT afford to weigh more than 56kg at 5foot4.

I especially love the part in your message where you said we tend to put God one side and make them a God....this is SO true!
I am and always have been very strong in my faith but I will admit to placing my husband on a pedestal and putting all my energy into pleasing him instead of just giving it all over to God and trusting in Him to lead me.

As I mentioned in my message to Delusionist I went to therapy 2 years ago and it did help me a lot however counselling is so expensive where I live and financially I just can not afford it at the moment.
Some days I also put my head in the sand because I just don’t want to think about it or deal with it. I often tell myself it’s not that bad, at least he doesn’t hit me or go out drinking etc some people have it far worse so maybe I should not complain.

It’s a bit difficult because I don’t have a good friend or family member I can speak to because it will sound like I am bad mouthing him so all our friends and family think we are this super happily married couple.

Uuuurrrgg it’s all just so draining!

I so appreciate your advice and kind words, means more than you will ever know. Sometimes it’s just great to get another person’s perspective and be able to speak your mind without being judged!

Bless you!
x

so many amazing, strong, beautiful, intelligent, uplifting women on this sight! I totally understand everything you are going through. I know how it is to not have someone to talk to. Most of my friends and family initially thought my first husband was a good guy. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, his abusive behavior started getting out of control, especially when he was drinking, which was often so some of my family members got to see first hand how he would treat me and the kids. But through the divorce I lost all of "our" friends because they just couldn't believe he was capable of abusive behavior and I guess it was easier for them to side with him then have that belief. This hurt me tremendously but I have made new friends. But please don't be hard on yourself. I was ready to divorce this man while on my honeymoon and it took me over 10 years and very unfortunately 3 kids later to do it. Divorce is a hard decision to make and you have to feel really ready to do it. You must realize that it isn't you and try to not let him break your spirit. I know this is easier said then done. I am unfortunately in another bad marriage and I feel like me being happy just makes him unhappy. I find it so hard to be myself and I at one point forgot what I liked about myself and what I enjoyed to do. Surround yourself with people who will build you up be it out in the physical world or here on DS. The women and even men on here have really helped me feel not alone and that I am someone deserving of love and happiness. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know some days it's so hard to go on but you must tell yourself that there can be happy days ahead and maybe even sooner than you think. No one on here will judge you, we've all been through so much stuff we just want to be heard and understood. Take care

Hi Rosewaterrain, as you can see from the responses you are not alone. First, I want to commend you for staying in your marriage. You sound like an incredible wife with an enormous amount of tenacity. I believe it takes more strength and courage to stay in a marriage then leave a marriage. It is only through my faith that I am still married. My husband is emotionally abusive as well. There are good days and bad days, good months and bad months. It wasn’t until I started to reach out to friends, reading my bible more, and praying that I started to enjoy peace. We live in an imperfect world, with imperfect people that make imperfect marriages, but marriages can and do withstand storms. I have learned instead of trying to change my husband, which I know I can never do, that’s Gods job, I can change the way I react to him and be the peacemaker instead of creating more conflict and criticizing him for his behavior. Lastly, I know this life on this earth is just a breath, but life in heaven with Jesus is eternal. That’s where my focus lies. Grace and Peace.

Before one can leave, one must decide that this is exactly what one wants to do. Then one plans all the details of leaving. Use a journal to plan it out. It takes time to think of everything you will need to do. All I can say, @Rosewaterrain, there are no guarantees in life, but you will be giving yourself freedom and an opportunity to reinvent yourself and be only with the people you want to be with.

He doesn't respect you or appreciate your effort. You should leave him and stop torturing yourself. Go out and live the life of your dreams. From someone who has also stayed with someone trying to get him to appreciate my loyalty through multiple betrayals only to one day realize he doesnt give a hoot about me and the only reason I am sticking with him is that him pulling away and being mean makes me feel the need to pursue him. I was only staying with him for fear of losing him. Once I realized he was cold-hearted and ruthless, I was able to talk some sense it myself.

Thank you for your kind words, I hardly consider myself amazing or strong. My ultimate decision to split up had more to do with what was best for my child than me. After the affair, she settled down for a few years, but her alcoholism and abuse culminated in what I will call a “critical mass” which left me no choice in my mind.

I do hope that things work out for you. Divorce can be a life saving/changing necessity, but in my experience it’s also a destructive force that damaged all who are touched by it, especially children.

You seem like you are pretty clear with identifying what you want/need. The next step is to work on communicating that to your partner in a manner in which he will understand.

There is nothing to envy about me I assure you. While I am free from abuse and can do as I please there is a lonely sadness cloud that seems to follow me around. I can’t see it when I am busy, working, or with my kid, but it rears it’s ugly head when I am alone sometimes. As time has gone on it bothers me less frequently.

I am speaking metaphorically of course, I don’t actually see a small grey cloud with a perpetual frown, that would be crazy, and also impossible because it’s invisible.

Best of luck to you. I hope my response was helpful and mildly amusing.

Thank you to everyone for your advice, opinions and for sharing your struggles.
I appreciate your honesty and understanding of my situation.

Some days are good but unfortunately we have more bad days and on those bad days that’s when I become so fed up and feel like I can not tolerate living this way anymore.

I need to do some serious soul searching and build up an inner strength to be able to take that next step. Until then I am going to continue praying over my marriage and my husband. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

Hugs from me to you x