Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my first time on a support site. I have tried journaling, but my sig other looks through my things sometimes so it's better to write online. He is not a computer person, so it's more secure online.
My question is about wanting to be fair. E and I own a home together. He has always paid the mortgage and heating bills. I have paid the electric, phone, internet, satellite tv, bought most of the groceries, etc. Money-wise, he still has always covered the greater expense of being in our home. We have never married (which is another topic for another post). For the nine years that we have been together, I have been in school for close to six.
I have three months until I am done with school. After many squabbles over many years, we have decided to break up. I suppose I am the person responsible for seeing that it actually happens. For years I have listened to E tell me the ways in which I don't provide him what he needs in a relationship and heard from him that we should break up. He would never follow through with it, mostly because I think that threatening a break up was just his way of expressing his frustration that I wasn't changing parts of me that can't be changed. About five weeks ago, when he got angry with me and threatened breaking up as the solution, I said he was probably right and that is what we should do.
Neither of us is able to move right now. I mean, either of us could move, but it would mean disrupting my education or his paying of the mortgage (affecting our credit), so we have chosen to not move. The question we are trying to figure out is, who stays in the house? E will not agree to a continued co-ownership. Neither of us can afford to buy the other person out. The real estate market in our area is still not good, and our home needs expensive upgrades to make it sell-able. If we tried to sell now, we might get what we owe or it might stay on the market indefinitely. E wants to sign it over to me or me to sign it over to him. He wants one of us to walk away. Is that fair? It doesn't feel fair to me. I don't feel that it's fair to him that he would walk away from seven years of paying a mortgage and I don't feel that it's fair to me after putting love and effort and my own money into a home that I thought I would live forever in and have my grandchildren come to. What is fair? Does more money spent mean it's more his home than mine?
My question is about wanting to be fair. E and I own a home together. He has always paid the mortgage and heating bills. I have paid the electric, phone, internet, satellite tv, bought most of the groceries, etc. Money-wise, he still has always covered the greater expense of being in our home. We have never married (which is another topic for another post). For the nine years that we have been together, I have been in school for close to six.
I have three months until I am done with school. After many squabbles over many years, we have decided to break up. I suppose I am the person responsible for seeing that it actually happens. For years I have listened to E tell me the ways in which I don't provide him what he needs in a relationship and heard from him that we should break up. He would never follow through with it, mostly because I think that threatening a break up was just his way of expressing his frustration that I wasn't changing parts of me that can't be changed. About five weeks ago, when he got angry with me and threatened breaking up as the solution, I said he was probably right and that is what we should do.
Neither of us is able to move right now. I mean, either of us could move, but it would mean disrupting my education or his paying of the mortgage (affecting our credit), so we have chosen to not move. The question we are trying to figure out is, who stays in the house? E will not agree to a continued co-ownership. Neither of us can afford to buy the other person out. The real estate market in our area is still not good, and our home needs expensive upgrades to make it sell-able. If we tried to sell now, we might get what we owe or it might stay on the market indefinitely. E wants to sign it over to me or me to sign it over to him. He wants one of us to walk away. Is that fair? It doesn't feel fair to me. I don't feel that it's fair to him that he would walk away from seven years of paying a mortgage and I don't feel that it's fair to me after putting love and effort and my own money into a home that I thought I would live forever in and have my grandchildren come to. What is fair? Does more money spent mean it's more his home than mine?
If you aren't, at this point, willing to walk away, here are some things you can do:
1. definitely NOT leave until you are done w/school & try not to let this affect your studies, especially if your name is on the mortgage and/or deed.
2. consult an attorney. Actually, I'd consult several. I'd start w/attorneys who offer free consultations. I would also call the local bar association and/or courthouse to get referrals to attorneys who handle this type of breakup.
3. research online as to what my rights are in my state (regarding cohabiting, common law marriage and palimony), especially if my name is on the mortgage and deed.
4. don't worry about what is fair to him. I could be wrong (probably not), but he more than likely play dirty when it comes to money. So you need to protect yourself. I say this because based on what you've said, he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about you since he didn't offer to buy you out. You, on the other hand are concerned about being fair to him. It doesn't sound like he's too worried about being fair to you.
A BIG RED FLAG is that he goes thru your things. You need to protect yourself in every way, including online. You say he's not a computer person. Please don't assume he doesn't know anything or that he wouldn't go to someone who does. Make sure you erase your history. Have your passwords somewhere he can't find & don't save them on the computer or other electronics. Make sure there's not any tracking software on your phone, tablet or computer. (Any office/computer store or computer geek friend can check for you.) Make sure you use passwords and user names that he wouldn't guess.
And remember this forum is public - anyone on the internet can read posts here. You can privatize your profile here so that only DS users or just your friends can see info about you, instead of the entire internet. You can also privatize your journals on DS so that only you or your friends can read them.
Best of luck to you.
~healing hugs~
Names on the deed matter for ownership.
As for the mortgage, if both of your names are on it...both are 100% responsible for the life of the loan.
You can quick claim the deed, over to him, but that doesn't affect the bank.
So the first question is this, do one of you have good enough credit to refinance the loan? If you don't, then you'll have to sell the house.
If you TRUST...rock hard 100% trust...your stbx, then one of you can give your interest in the house to the other (and yes, you WILL be paying taxes on that), and continue with the loan as is. But you'll have to trust that in the next 23 years...he'll continue to pay.
Usually that's only done in situations where there are kids, the kids are staying in the house, and the partner paying child support can pay the mortgage directly. AND even then, there's usually a requirement to get refinancing within 2-5 years. (Think this all through...that mortgage on your credit could prevent you from ever qualifying to buy a home on your own. If he defaults, the bank can come after you for 100% plus finance charges. If you've got a saving's account the bank can (attempt) to claim it.
On the flip side, if you take the house...he's in that same position. PLUS if anyone has a lien against the house, you'll have to pay that in order to sell...even if it's from work that he had done and you know nothing about.
What it comes down to is this, if both names are on the deed, you've got to get a lawyer to sell it, and figure out if there are capital gains taxes to pay...and both of your income taxes have to match up with that.
If both names are on the mortgage, someone's got to refinance. You're in school...so that likely won't be you.
My best advice, sell as is. If you don't get what was paid...then you don't. Then it will be like the mortgage was rent. Better to walk away with nothing, than with a financial mess hanging over your head. Hopefully it will break even. If the offer isn't as much as the dept the bank will have to approve a "short sale".
As far as profits (if there are any...with a home owned less than 10 years...there often aren't)... Do it the easy way. The IRS will assign 50/50 profit. Or if one of you put down more of the down payment...give it to that person (assuming the profits aren't greatly more). Just have it match up on taxes.
***DS has great journaling. You can open it to everyone, lock it to "friends only" or keep entries private.***
Good luck! Hang in there I know how sucky it all is but it works out eventually.