Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
The restraining order was granted temporarily. He's apparently going to file one against me now. I did hit and bite him once, and I'm so ashamed of that. But I would imagine he's going to have to pull out bigger guns to compete with what I filed against him, all of which was true. He's always taken pictures every time he's hurt himself, and I imagine he'll try to tie some of those injuries to me- maybe all of them.
I'm so unsure that what I did was right. Sometimes I wish I hadn't asked for others advice- I never would have filed the order against him. I know he loved me and the kids, and I know he'd simply been pushed to the brink recently, as I had been. We both just lost control.
Yes, he's put the kids in danger before. He's been careless with guns, and careless with his medication. I don't think I've ever been able to forgive him for the episode when our then-two year old son swallowed his oxycontin pill and was hospitalized. He tried to lie about it, even tried to get the hospital staff to lie to me. I felt so betrayed.
He's put us into debt over and over again and he has so many secrets. I feel like there's a part of him I'll never know or understand. But I know in my heart that there's another part of him that I do know, and trust. That person deserves to see his kids. He's a good man.
I never wanted this to happen. I wanted to save him, and tried. I tried to put him in rehab- he called every day pretending to be there, when he was really living in his car. I begged him to see a financial adviser with me- he refused. He chose divorce instead- he didn't want me controlling him. Then he emailed me every day to say he loved me and changed his mind, but the restraining order had already been filed.
I thought this had to be. I thought if I wasn't there to protect the kids from him, they would be in danger. A part of me still thinks this. An even bigger part just wants this all to end. I want us all to be together again, I just can't take the lies, the drugs, the worrying over debt. I keep wondering if he's hit rock bottom now- maybe he's ready to be the man I always knew he was. But even if he has, he must hate me so much.
I guess I put the nail in the coffin. If the divorce was pleasant, we'd probably have just wound up back together in no time. But now there's no chance. And maybe every one is right, I just don' t know. It doesn't feel right at all. All I wanted to do at court yesterday was hug him.
This all feels so wrong.
I'm so unsure that what I did was right. Sometimes I wish I hadn't asked for others advice- I never would have filed the order against him. I know he loved me and the kids, and I know he'd simply been pushed to the brink recently, as I had been. We both just lost control.
Yes, he's put the kids in danger before. He's been careless with guns, and careless with his medication. I don't think I've ever been able to forgive him for the episode when our then-two year old son swallowed his oxycontin pill and was hospitalized. He tried to lie about it, even tried to get the hospital staff to lie to me. I felt so betrayed.
He's put us into debt over and over again and he has so many secrets. I feel like there's a part of him I'll never know or understand. But I know in my heart that there's another part of him that I do know, and trust. That person deserves to see his kids. He's a good man.
I never wanted this to happen. I wanted to save him, and tried. I tried to put him in rehab- he called every day pretending to be there, when he was really living in his car. I begged him to see a financial adviser with me- he refused. He chose divorce instead- he didn't want me controlling him. Then he emailed me every day to say he loved me and changed his mind, but the restraining order had already been filed.
I thought this had to be. I thought if I wasn't there to protect the kids from him, they would be in danger. A part of me still thinks this. An even bigger part just wants this all to end. I want us all to be together again, I just can't take the lies, the drugs, the worrying over debt. I keep wondering if he's hit rock bottom now- maybe he's ready to be the man I always knew he was. But even if he has, he must hate me so much.
I guess I put the nail in the coffin. If the divorce was pleasant, we'd probably have just wound up back together in no time. But now there's no chance. And maybe every one is right, I just don' t know. It doesn't feel right at all. All I wanted to do at court yesterday was hug him.
This all feels so wrong.
Sadly, it's always the same with addicts UNTIL THEY WANT TO GET HELP FOR THEMSELVES. Otherwise,
you're not talking about a 'normal' relationship. You are NOT dealing with the person any more. You're dealing with the DRUG(s)! There is no reasoning or rational thought processes that happen with an addict. That good man doesn't exist any more. And he won't until he gets 1. clean, 2. stays clean and 3 and most important, gets the appropriate therapy for several years. The chances of that happening are not that great as he has continually proven to you by his actions.
You can NOT save him. He has to save himself.
Do NOT trust him to be around the kids. He has quite solidly proven he is NOT trustworthy.
Is he worth saving and you and your kids worth being injured or dying?
You said, " I thought if I wasn't there to protect the kids from him, they would be in danger. A part of me still thinks this."
Trust that part of you that still thinks this. That's your inner knowing; your intuition; your gut instincts. And you are right!!!!!
And when that part of you that fantasizes about getting your family back and that the kids will be safe with him, please remember this:
Better safe than sorry. How will you feel if he hurts or kills the kids? How do you think the kids will survive if he kills you?
Please get into therapy ASAP with a qualified therapist who had specialized training in recovery from trauma, abuse and codependence. Also check out the book, Breaking Free of the Victim Trap by Diane Zimberoff.
~healing hugs~
Your ex is not fit to be with your kids, period. Your two year old son was hospitalized do to your ex's irresponsibility. He's careless with guns? How would you feel if your kid accidentally killed himself with a gun your hubs left out? Would you still want to hug your ex then?
You would let him see the kids? Unsupervised? I'm sorry, I can't be "kind" about this...if you would let him have alone time with your kids, they need to be taken away from both of you.
No, I certainly couldn't live with myself if my kids had ever found his guns, and I can't imagine what my life would be like if my son had died or been permanently injured by taking his oxycontin. I'm sure the decision to leave would have been much easier then.
Your response was hurtful, but I'm glad for it. I know I'm deep in a fog, and sometimes the truth needs to be put bluntly to be heard.
I apologize for the bluntness of my response. However, children should always come first.
Hang in there and stay strong...