That is horrible??!! No Valentines gift??! What jerks! Like Chumplady says you have to fix your picker :)

And 30's is young you'll be fine, just go slow and get to know a guy before making any commitment or falling for him too quick.

As far as two narcissists getting together they can have each other, keep them out of the dating pool lol!

I've always been a giver also. Even in my career (pediatric RN) I go above and beyond and give all that I can to help anyone and do it with a smile. I love the Chumplady also, she's been a blessing for the past 18 months, it's a relief to see how much insight she has, it makes me feel someone "gets it."

As far as do narcissists look for someone like you?
Yes, I think narcissists DO seek out very giving and caring people.
My stbxh is a narcissist too. I have done a lot of reading on narcissists and their process. They seek out people to be their "narcissistic supply," or someone who will stroke their ego, make them feel good about themselves, build them up, etc. It's all about them. Givers naturally make this easy, because we like to give and are happiest giving to others. It's not until we are totally sucked in and they start being jerks that we realize who we are dealing with.

I also found that I have/had some co-dependent tendencies, which goes along with being a "giver" for many people. Codependents are wonderful "supply"/victims for narcissists. I am working on repairing my co-dependent thoughts and tendencies, maybe it's something to read up on. I never would have described myself as codependent, but reading actual definitions and articles, I really have some of those traits, so I'm working on that.

As far as what happens when 2 Narcissists get together? A huge ugly train wreck. I read somewhere that codependents/givers and other narcissists are the top 2 types for a narcissist to seek out. Because in the beginning stages where the narcissist butters you up and everything is glittery and golden, 2 Narc's don't see each other for what they really are, they each think they are the one in control, and they each think the other is extremely valuable "possession" they need to take control of. When the true motivation comes to light, there's a huge ugly mess no one will get out of unscathed.

There is a good man out there for you somewhere. I have to believe that if we put in the work of our recovery, we will find happiness. First with ourselves, and then one day with a good partner.
Big hugs to you!

How can a man date a lady and not give her a Valentine's Gift is beyond my comprehension. What counts here is that you are not longer in a relationship with a Narcissist.

Two narcissists is not a good combination. The balance is a narcissist
and someone who is willing to put up with that type of person.

happymama knows what she is talking about!

I have done a lot of reading, video also on the subject and then was able to see the effects in my own life. I found that what was said is true, if you stop giving the narc their supply they get abusive or go elsewhere, but not before giving some abuse or pain, because you've loss your "value" to them, if not feeding them.

Never thought about to narcs. That is very interesting happyma!

I'm sorry to hear of your ex's thoughtlessness.

Not all guys are narcissists. I always gave valentine's gifts, and I just gave my ex clothing, a signed CD from her favorite band, a gift certificate for a massage and a Yankee Candle diffuser set for mother's day, even though she has hurt me greatly. Perhaps I have a giving problem, but it seems like the right thing to do to as my son is only 11 and can't get gifts on his own.

You are only in your 30's, and you are a giving person. If you fix your selector and work on any co-dependence issues, you will do fine.

I'm just over 50 and needing to fix my selector, as well as my co-dependent tendencies in some areas. Hopefully I'll become whole and grounded and possibly find love in the future. You will too!

Hang in there! Hugs.

I think I am codependent. I am going to start reading up on it. I am on facebook and somebody post this picture of this couple in Paris on a bridge with the Eiffel Tower lit up in the night sky in the background. The guy is stopping to tie his shoe and he is kneeled over and the woman looks all giddy and her hands are to her lips. She thinks he is about to propose and the caption says, " Never tie your shoelaces in Paris." This just really gutted me emotionally. He had asked me to marry him via text message for insurance purposes and then humilatingly told me "never mind. He could never marry me. I guess seeing the woman all giddy knowing its a bad bad mistake , I don't know.

I'm sorry :-( Sounds like you're working hard on yourself so you can become a pickier picker. ;-)

The Chumplady website sounds interesting, although, my first reaction before going on there is that it sounds a bit harsh. No need to refer to yourself as a chump! It's worth-building time, not more time for you to pile on to yourself and be another person tearing you down.

Are you in counseling at all as well? From the engagement text story you shared, it sounds like there might be more than a few wounds needing repair.

For me, after 16 years, there were all kinds of beliefs and ways of thinking that needed to change - I had no idea of some of the lies and unhealthy view of myself that I had developed.

I wrote too soon - got onto the website and saw that she is the one decoding the chumps! Some interesting stuff on there. :-)

nAH, Therapy is too expensive. But I do a lot of reading and I'm pretty self reflective. I just did some quick research after happymama mentioned codependency. Maybe some of it applies to me. I definitely have trust issues but rightly so. I do have a tendency to do more than my share. and like happymama I go above and beyond. I was a 911 operator/police dispatcher for 16 years and i was very good at it because I am very empathetic and kind and nurturing and I talked to people on the worst days of their life. Well, and I might have a fear of abandonment and being alone but... I can be alone . I don't swing like a monkey from branch to branch. i took a year and a half after my divorce before I found my current now ex asshat. It might be hard some nights to come home to a dark lonely house BUT the difference is last time I had to share custody with my ex husband and I went from having a home with laughing children to nothing. no husband no kiddos. and right now I haven't been without my baby and I have a dog and a cat now. Sometimes the cat will sit and eat dinner with me and rust me just that helps. Eventually I guess he will want the baby by himself at his house and that probably will be hard. But he may just disappear out of the baby's life. It's really too soon to tell I think. His words have never matched his actions

All I can say is, I am right there with you. Definitely work on your codependent issues, it will help. My picker is broken also. We will get better. I am also in my late 30's, and I can tell you, you will have no problem finding dates, but just be careful who you date. If you thought it was hard in our teens and twenties, it is nothing compared to now...people are a lot more jaded, and they have also learned to hide their craziness better, plus there is a higher chance of dating someone with kids, and that adds a whole new level of crazy to the mix sometimes, especially if you are dealing with a crazy, bitter ex wife. you'll be fine.

Yeah, I understand. Counseling is an expense, but I like having someone to talk to and think it's worth the investment. I look forward to sessions also because I am an analyzer so it's a good time to me. Sad, huh?!

Sounds like we're similar as far as being empathetic people. It's easy for narcissists and takers to be attracted to us ... some of the books I've read that helped me with some of the codependency is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend and The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it, Stopping it, Surviving it by Leslie Vernick. Both showed me how to recognize the bad patterns and be assertive/protective.