It's impossible to say what he's thinking. He's definitely giving you a mixed message here, but keep in mind that people stay married for a lot of reasons other than love. Maybe he doesn't have the money yet to file. Maybe he's too lazy. Maybe he wants you to file first so he can play the victim or not feel guilty. Just because he hasn't filed yet doesn't mean he really loves you deep down inside. Regardless of that though, what do YOU want? Do you want to continue living with a man who tells you he doesn't love you? What's keeping you from filing?

23 years a long time. Some people do say that in a fit of rage during arguments but forget about it later. Does he do that often and never shows you any signs of love? Look for the signs of love. Look for what is and has been good in your 23 year relationship with him. During my coaching sessions, I usually tell the coachees to at least list down top ten things that you appreciate and admire about him and most important thing SHARE with him. What happens after 23 years is you just take each other for granted and keep snapping till you snap the marital chord. SHARE and see if he still asks for a divorce. Do let me know.

And believe me men are not too sophisticated like women think. This is from mt coaching expwrience. We women feel that they do. That's why men are from mars and women are from Venus.

Well he thought all of it out long and hard. We are past SHARE. One of our greatest issues is that I begged for emotional intimacy and he simply could not give it. He straddles the fence on everything. He is unsure of himself in so many ways...but in not loving me he has been staunch and very cold. Of course he has caused me for years....he does have anger down.

So sorry to hear that. If he has been cold and insensitive towards you for so many years, then you are the right person to think what is best for you Do you think this relationship is going to help you in the long run. What is holding you back . ask these questions and see what is the best solution for you..

Look at what his actions are. Is he distant, non-communicative, hard to love? I think you said he is. That, and coupled with those words he's spoken, should tell you he wants to end things but can't take that step. Please don't stay in limbo land, waiting to see the other side of him, the side that will say "wait, I do love you". If he doesn't act like he loves you, he probably doesn't. An emotionally vacant spouse is no spouse at all, just a dead weight holding down your happiness.

Boy....y'all sort of nailed it. He has done nothing towards a divorce and I said the other day....I bet I will have to get the divorce I did not want. He does not seem to be wither OW as much. I know she was a catalyst but it was the final straw. Killed anything we had left.

You are right Jo...there is a side of me that is waiting...not sure why. Also if he's so darn unhappy why is he hanging out at the house all of the time etc?

I can totally relate because I too have been married 23 years to a very emotionally abusive man. I read something the other day that really summed it all up for me - in all the years of our marriage, I have never been able to find a way to emotionally connect to him. Sure, we had some good times, but they were good times - moments without anger. I knew that the wrong word, the wrong tone of voice or the wrong expression though could change those good times into bad times at the drop of a hat. I tried everything to connect to him ... shared interests (he didn't want to share his interests with me), sexy lingerie (he wasn't interested), date nights (he was too tired), honest communication (he used whatever I told him against me later on) ... the list goes on. Eventually, I gave up. It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to ruin it. I read somewhere recently that the majority of divorces are filed by women. That makes sense to me. A friend of mine once complained about her marriage and said, "Men don't think there's anything wrong with the marriage unless the house is on fire." I well remember another friend of mine who was going through serious depression over her marriage once telling me how shocked she was when her husband joined her in the living room one night after dinner and said, "I am so happy. Life is pretty good, huh?" She cried to me, "How can he be so happy when I am just hanging on by a thread? Doesn't he see that?" Unless the wife is having an affair, most men seem oblivious to the problems of their marriage.

Well mine points out my problems but I also totally owned them. He wants the divorce and I am starting to realize I do to.