I'm sorry you're still feeling the ill effects of that post. I've come to understand that there are some people who will never have even an inkling of understanding of what life is like to be in your shoes (empathy). Or anyone else's shoes, for that matter. They will just always run to the "selfish B" tag and that's the end of it. There is no changing their minds, they know what they know and you be damned. It's natural to be hurt by their opinions, but probably the worst thing you can do it try to change their minds. This is an area of life, I think, where you just have to let it go. Let them have their opinions. In the end, you are able to hold your head up high because of how you feel you've lived your life. With integrity.

My ex thinks I'm a "selfish B" as well. I know nothing I ever did or will do will cause him to think otherwise. I know that the evidence of my character points to me being relatively unselfish, giving and caring. I have enough people in my life who appreciate me for who I am. That's enough for me. But during and just after my divorce I felt like I had a scarlet letters on my shirt, a B (bitch), L (loser), D (divorcee). A lot of social connections just dropped to the floor. I think other married people were too uncomfortable to be near the D. They didn't care to look beyond that. Maybe they feel divorce is contagious or they don't want to examine their own marriages. Whatever. Now one year post divorce, I don't think about them much or miss them. Give yourself time, you'll feel people's stinging words about you hurt less and less as you get to a more peaceful existence. :)

@jojored. You’re right that there are those who avoid the thought of divorce because it’s too close to home. I actually now believe that it’s imperative to take a close look at your marriage. Even if it hurts. Because if you see red flags and ignore them then the hurting will not end. Having the strength to stand up and say; there’s some issues here that need to be addressed is not selfish. Quite the opposite in fact. It takes a selfless love to do that. Because it’s painful to change and easier to hide. Queen, you know I am on your side. You never have to explain or justify your self to anyone. Anyone worth knowing will accept you for YOU. Forget the rest. Can’t change people only show them the right path by how you live your life. I agree with the above. Hold your head high. Your a strong, attractive woman who has so much to give. And deserve to be loved AND respected. Remember that this is the moment of truth for you. The hardest time. Take care of yourself to get through and before you know it you’ll be wondering why the hell you waited so long. As for the vows. He chose to release you from them when he stopped being a partner in the most important relationship that we as humans can have. You didn’t abandon them. You know the vows I wrote for LL. (still haven’t told her because I am still showing her) I wrote those to replace the ones that I said all those years ago and forgot. I woke up to realize that she deserves them. He didn’t do that for you. You are never to blame for his giving up on your life together.

I actually just saw his response last night (even though it is a month old) Given my current state of mind, it hit me like a stone wall.

Now suddenly stbx wants to try counseling.... I now struggle again if I should do that (I feel like I have wasted so much time already. So does that mean I am that evil bitch???

I want a secluded cabin far away from everyone.

Too little, too late. Let me tell you my story. Over a decade ago LL had a long affair. When I found out I was devastated. But instead of getting angry or making the hard decision to separate, I asked(begged) for her to stay and ‘work it out’. And for a while I really thought that I could change and be the man I should have been for her all along. But I was fooling myself and her. Slipped back into our ruts and I stopped appreciating her again. Just went through the whole cycle again. And a huge part of repeating my mistakes was that I was too afraid to lose her. That I would have been a failure. Or whatever the behavior was that made me act falsely to her and myself. Couldn’t admit that I needed to grow into my own man and take responsibility for my own happiness. Kept holding on to her to keep myself afloat. Like I wasn’t real unless she was MINE. That of course is the kiss of death to a relationship. Thankfully I see that now. But remember queen, It took a dozen years and caused her so much doubt while she waited for me to figure it out. And without my shock into my awareness I might still be in the dark. About what it means to truly love a woman. Completely and with a full presence. Not just going through the motions. But making myself a real man for me as the only goal. And letting go of her to make her own decision. Thankfully for us I may have woken up in time. Before she had completely shut down her love for me. But in your situation can you say the same. Haven’t you past that point. And don’t buy his sales pitch that he can fix it. Some broken things just can’t be mended. It took me almost as long as you have been married to become the man I am now. One that she feels safe and loved by. And trusts that my changes are real and lasting. Because I did it for my soul, not to placate her into thinking that we have a chance to stay together. See the difference. Do you want to wait that long? Buyer be ware!! This isn’t a game of rolling the dice. This is your life, and you deserve to be treated, well, like a Queen. I treat LL like a princess now. Not because she’s better than me and not to ‘keep’ her. But because I want to. And I like spoiling her with small gifts. From my heart. Like cooking or a massage. Or running an errand. And encouraging her to go out with her friends. The things any man who loves a woman should do. How many advice bits have you given to other people encouraging them to be their own individual selves. To get past the fear of being alone and having faith that the leap will be fruitful and that a net WILL appear.

Kim
No counseling. Press forward with what you know is right. Hugs.

So a month ago he "said" he wanted to try counseling. He left this in a note? Then didn't bring it up again at all?

He was doing the pass the buck thing, so he could "say" he asked you for counseling.

Been there, done that. You know his intentions aren't genuine.

No... The message intended for ME by Irish on another's post.... The one calling me the selfish bitch.

Stbx has told HIS SISTER a month or so ago he would be willing to try counseling... but he never did tell me.... Til this morning.. I kinda think nothing is ever going to change. All the talking til I am blue in the face gets a change for two days. by the third it is "Well, you know how I am "

Oh, sorry I got confused by the 2 issues. You know what to do, stay the course.

Stbx still speaks of me skipping steps.... Going right from complaining to divorce with no attempts at reconciliation or counseling. he has been on best behavior, but at the same time he just questioned me as to whether this is a done deal before he does as he said (Same old pattern... promises with conditions) This is tough. It would be so easy to just fall back into settling again... but settle for what?

I just told someone else to not let her SO ridicule, hurt , ignore , and take her for granted.... pretty much replacing her joy and contentment with pain, anger and resentment. Hmmmm.... perhaps wise words???

I have come to the conclusion that a real partner wants us to grow and advance. To share that journey and to trust that as we change that the relationship will blossom. Anything else just winds up a mess. The only thing in the world to hold us back should be ourselves. And we can’t do that either.

VQ: Bear in mind, everybody on this site is broken. One way or another, we've all found our way here because we needed strength and support. It's an open community group. We should all strive to "SUPPORT" each other, but some posts and comments are better than others. Some people have a way with words, and others should go exorcise their demons in a rubber room until the Thorazine kicks in. And sometimes the message is misconveyed and/or misconstrued because there is nothing but the written communication. We can't hear the poster's vocal inflections, or see the body language.

Point being: When someone posts something that hits you the wrong way, just think to yourself, "You must be in a rough spot to feel the urge to write such things in a support group. I promise to give your comment all the consideration it deserves."

It's a simple truth: Sometimes divorce is the best course of action. Stay the course.

Mr. C you do always have a way with words! lol I do realize he was obviously just on the other side of a very bad breakup ( and probably a very similar situation to what i was mentioning) I also stumbled across it at a very bad time and naturally took it as another sign and/or personal attack. Anyhow, I have picked myself back up and dusted off... ready for the next round..


Thanks everyone for the kid words and much needed feedback. :)