Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Anyone know that quote? It's an image I can't get out of my mind.
I have a long, strange story, and I came in here hoping to find out that it isn't just me that has lived through such bizarreness and that there is some hope for recovery from this. Right now, it's dark, dark, dark where I'm sitting.
Basics: My wife of 22 years, relationship of 34, 4 kids, decided about 10 years ago to begin a secret life. I discovered first about six years ago and we've been living under a story of sex and love addiction since then. Rehab, tons and tons of therapy for everyone, and about a year ago, it started picking up again until I had the intervention 2 weeks ago. She said fine and left. She wants to stay fully involved in our kids lives, but since she's chosen to go sleep with at least five men and women that I know of already, and she has 8 dollars to her name and apparently now a drug habit, I want her to do all of that visitation in my house where my kids are safe. But that means I have to see her way too often.
I have been fighting this battle a long time and it's hard to set down the fight, I know. I love this women and to me it is a loss/death to addiction that I can't even share with my children (except what they've picked up on -- that mommy wants to go elsewhere because it isn't fun at our house, or her kind of fun anyway, so she's always angry). I can't let her back into full, or possibly even partial, custody of the children and I am just overwhelmed. She admits that she's just diving into her addictive personality, and that she never wanted to be married anyway, until she sobers up. She's done it several times over the last decade.
I need to start somewhere. I do have a therapist, but that's once a week, but I haven't been able to build up a full trust with her yet. But I can't get the dialog out of my head. I'm hoping this can help. What are the rules of the game here? I try not to cuss, but... How many details are too many? I have no one to share some of the most horrible things I saw/heard, and I don't know where to go.
My sister is alcoholic and even without the added danger, stress and worry of a sex addiction on the side, she's impossible to deal with. I've spent the better part of 25 years trying to support her and finally just had to cut off contact now that her children are raised.
You are smart not to allow her to be alone with the kids. Apparently even they are hip to the fact that normal visitation is not her kind of fun. My sister used to take her son to the seedy part of town to score some weed when he came for visitation. She honestly thought he'd enjoy the illicit thrill of doing something shady. And smoking a joint never hurt a 12 year old, right?
She had a knock down drag out naked fight with her husband's mistress in her living room in front of her small daughters one night. She drove to my house one night with her three kids in the car to borrow money for a road trip. I had to cut her key in half to keep her from leaving with them in the middle of the night. She was literally too drunk to walk a straight line but thought she was fine to drive. She drives better when she's drunk. No joke, to this day she still believes this. She kept everyone up all night, screaming and slamming around my house even though I begged her to let the kids calm down a get some sleep. I called a locksmith the next morning had another key cut for her. Dealing with her making her problems mine repeatedly is not cheap.
It seems that no matter how bad I thought it was, somehow it always got worse. Seeing the up swing of the cycle got me all excited for her a few times, but has always refused to go for treatment unless forced then made no real effort to get better.
If the horrible things you've seen and heard are similar, I'm really surprised that you think you still love her. I think for a long time, I felt obligated because she was my sister. Although I've been nice to her every single time we interact, I'm mostly just discussed with the whole situation. You can lead a horse to water...
I can guarantee my sister wishes she'd had her tubes ties as a teen. Instead of having three children and one abortion, she could have just been a forever party girl. As it stands, even with counseling for her kids and responsible role models like me and the rest of my family, she managed to turn two of her 3 kids into drinking buddies in their teens, one is hardcore substance abuser and the other joined the army to get away from the drugs. The renaming child was a boy and she gave him to his dad when he was about ten. He thrived and is a navy seal now. That would not have happened if he'd continued living with her.
I can't tell you how many times I knew exactly how much money was in her pocket, lent her money, brought food for her kids, picked them up from school when she was so drunk that presenting would have resulted in a CPS investigation and all that. I realized at some point that me being involved, picking up all the pieces so the kids would be okay was just enabling her to continue to do what she does. I kept thinking it was because of her childhood. She broke it down for me one night when she was good and drunk that I'm judging her by my standards and she's nothing like me. She told me she's pretty and deserves attention from men, free drinks, lots of good sex and all the perks for being beautiful. Since I'm plain, I have to worry about being nice and responsible. I should have cut her off after that, cause we all know alcohol lowers their inhibition and they tend to tell it like they really see it when they're drunk.
It was hard cutting her off. I don't know if any of this helpful information for you, but the more she's involved in your and the kids lives, the darker things are going to be for everyone. Sorry, I'm not more positive.
I saw some similar things, but nothing quite so extreme yet. But she is constantly pushing the boundaries and is clearly heading that way soon. I say I still love her, and believe me I've been asking myself the same thing, because I have known her a long, long time. Though she's had some minor struggles with this a long time ago, she probably had about 10 years of productive growth. Then, a family medical trauma hit and her other personality started to grow in dominance. (BPD) The woman I love, and the woman I talk to now are not the same people. It's hard to watch the battle going on within her, but now at least I and the children have some distance from it.
I'm not very positive either. Cutting her off is very difficult. She has never taken the kids on a weed run. If she had, we'd have an easy cut-off point. The BPD makes her very skilled at leading a double life, clearly. But, for now, we both agree she's pretty ill and doesn't want to fix it.
Sucks.
Poor Nigel might be you if you're not real careful. God knows it explained a lot about me trying to support my sister. It explains how we continue to pour love and emotion onto someone who could literally care less. Unlike Nigel's woman, they vacillate between acting like they care and spewing venom in our faces, and we just keep making excuses and trying to love them. The comments on that one were hilarious, sad and so me.
https://www.chumplady.com/2018/02/poor-nigel
So for her it would be a life long climb on a daily basis to show you different. You deserve better. She needs to be better.
You lease this short life so it’s your turn to do it your way. She’s not in the cards right now and you have to live for right now. So the answer is there.
Be done for you and your kids and stop the delaying pain it causes.
If she wants a relationship with her kids it’s her job to figure that out. Not yours.
Face a road of good stuff for you and your kids and stop entertaining her sucking the good stuff away.
We are all done with their bullshit. Find the new door and close that one as fast as you can.
Everyday we are consumed with this is everyday we missed out on our own lives. Thumbs up. Johnny29