Hi Soready!

First off, I want to say...thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. You absolutely deserve better and you can absolutely get there.

I can see, that despite the years of abuse, you haven't lost your spirit. Emotionally abusive relationships brainwash us in so many ways, we end up feeling very helpless, hopeless, and defeated. You still having that fire inside to break free, have better, and get out, is very essential.

Controlling relationships keep you in fear. That's essential to the control. Sooner or later you become so afraid of everything, you become paralyzed.

You made a long list on here of what you don't have going for you. You have to start thinking in the opposite direction. You have to think about what you DO HAVE going for you, and a list of things that you can actually improve upon.

Each relationship is different, and I don't know how dangerous your husband is or how safe you feel proceeding but here are some general ideas. Your safety is most important.

If you don't have contact with your family, try to start reaching out in private. Maybe when he is at work. Find someone you trust and ask for help.

You may fear COVID at a shelter, but you can get everyone vaccinated. That is free and available to all, if you are in the USA. Look up domestic violence shelters in your area.

The addresses are typically hidden from the public and the families taken in, are kept safe by having some privacy that way. You can just call and get information, so you can start developing a plan.

If you are concerned about money, think of ways you can make it. Many of the domestic shelters, also have opportunities for employment as part of their support program.

Helping your grown children seek outside employment will help with having funds as well.

I know your situation is very complex. If you feel you are unsafe and being held hostage, you have the right to call the police and ask for protection.

Please don't lose hope. You are very brave and it will take some work, but my prayers tonight are all for you and your family.

Sending you light and love. You never deserved this and you deserve better.

It’s time to get out.
You have multiple resources to help you make it happen.
You can contact your local department of social services and see what your options are.
You can call your health insurance - they have case managers that know what resources are available to you in the community to safely get out.
Call the local women’s shelter - they also have social workers who can help.
If you want freedom badly, staying at the shelter if you have to is only a temporary move. It will not last forever.
Contact adult learning center, they will help you get your GED, then you can get a job.
I made it in this country basically alone since I was 18. There is tons of help available.
Go get your life!

It can take a woman many attempts before she is able to leave her abuser. You have listed many of the reasons that women stay in toxic relationships above. Have you reached out to a domestic violence agency. Sometimes they are able to provide support through advocates, support groups, etc....If you leave abruptly it might be really hard, but I get that you've had it and don't want to see your kids affected. If you work with a DV specialist they may be able to help you to start making some plans (finding a job, looking for a place to stay, accessing resources, programs. It's not an easy situation that you're in.

Thank you all, Lavender80, you are so right, I feel like I have been brain washed, I feel like I'm me, but not in my body, its kind of hard to explain, he has made me feel like the littlest things I do are so wrong, like just wanting to go outside is wrong, and when I try to do something like that, I feel like I have wronged him in some kind of way, I feel like me even wanting to leave and move on with my life, like I'm wrong, even through, all the things he has put to me through and said to me, I should have of been gone, sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, I absolutely feel like I'm paralyzed in some kind of way :(Lavender80 you have hit it spot on with so many things you have said, I have tried to reach out to my family, and they really cant help much, it would be ideal for me to go live in the state that they are in, but my husband would have me put in jail for taking the kids out of state, and then take my kids from me, and that is just not something I could live with, this is why I found this site, I need to be able to reach out to people without him knowing about it, and get my feelings out, and just be able to talk to people and get ideas, that maybe I did not think of.

Aronia, Thank I will be contacting them to see if they can help me in anyway, that would be great.
jannytheresa: You are so right, and that is 100% me I have left him before many years ago, after he hit me, but I fall for his Im so sorry baby, it will never happen again, I will be better, cries and tears all that. that would be great if I could talk to someone to help me get everything in order before I leave, so I can be more confident, I just want to make sure my kids are safe where I take them, he has made me so scared of the world, I just need help feeling normal again, and like me and my kids will be alright without him. Thank you guys so much, you really do not know how much this means to me.

Soready - Thanks for the reply. Dailystrength doesn't notify us when replies are made ifwe are just commentors, so I just noticed this.

I totally understand your predicament. It is brainwashing. I was brainwashed. It affected my memory, and I was constantly at odds with what was my reality, what I was "suppose" to feel, versus what I really felt. It caused alot of inner turmoil.

When you say you feel "wrong" for doing this or that. I totally understand that. I remember making dinner and thinking...I should cook his meat this way, and then use this kind of cheese b/c he's going to complain about this or that...and what about this...i was making decisions on eggshells...and it kept me hypervigilante and exhausted.

Here is a fun fact for you. Whenever you feel that you are doing something "wrong" in an emotional abusive relationship, it really means you are doing something "right" for yourself. That's a good opportunity to start retraining your brain for a proper response vs your brainwashed response.

A physical change in scenery, can be a big relief. But I understand that's not always easy. So working on your mental health is very important and getting on DS and just getting how you feel out is a great and brave step.

We often minimize what we do, but those small steps add up and make a huge difference.

You can definitely research, plan, and repair alot of the mental damage he is doing, and that strength can really propel you forward.

I absolutely think you can do it. You might take a few steps fwd, a few steps back, but you are heading in the right direction.

Please keep posting and keep us updated on your progress!

Sending you light and love.

Lavender80- Oh my goodness you are so right, I find myself doing that all that time, should I cook the food this way or that, if we are leaving to go somewhere and me and baby are ready and waiting by the door, should I go ahead and put the baby in the car and get ready to go or is someone outside that will see me and he will thing I went out there just to be seen, everything I do I have to second guess myself, there are even times when he is in a bad mood and I'm in my room and one of my older kids will want to come in there and talk to me or just sit with me, and I have to tell them no not right now, and I cant even tell them why, because I don't want to make him sound bad, but I have tried it out before just to see, he was in a bad mood, and the way that I can tell that he is, is he will play rap songs that speak ill about women and rewind parts that he want me to hear anyways I let my girls come in the room with me, and we will be talk trying to act like everything is just normal and the girls will be laughing at whatever they are laughing at, as kids should do, but then here this man comes and says, " Oh is there something funny, you know Im what makes this house go round, you would not be here if it was not for me, and this man will keep going and going as if we did something wrong. so let me tell you what went on a few days ago, it was this past Friday and he comes home talking about how important Fathers day is, mind you on mothers day he did not make it special for me in any kind of way, matter fact he came home and picked a fight with me, he said while he was at work he had a sprit come upon him that I was messing around with one of the next neighbors and he went on and on about what he would do to me and whoever and how he would take my kids away and all kinds of unnecessary stuff, while anyway, back to what I was saying he came home Friday speaking about how important fathers day is, and how he should feel appreciated and he was saying a whole lot of other things, and then he went on to get on me, where I live summers used to not get so hot so they did not put A/Cs inside the homes here, so I usually have to cook outside on my patio, he has wrapped the whole patio with bamboo so no one can see us when we are out there, anyway so that day I cooked outside so he says, you know I don't want none of theses neighbors thinking my wife is some kind of HO, so I went on to ask him, why would they think that, and he starts yelling at me," did I say you was acting like a HO? So I just said no, and tried to drop it, because I did not want to start a argument, so A little later and went on to ask me, so who was out here watching you cook today? and I'm like no one who wants to sit in their yard and watch someone else cook dinner for there family, plus no one can see me anyways, so anyways here comes the time of night I have to give him want he wants, so I drink a glass and a half of wine, so I can just bring myself to do it, even though I do not feel like it, so we have to go in the garage, and I'm sitting there listening to him, talk about everyone at his job, and my anxiety is already at 100, like it always is when he is around, so I get a text from my oldest that my 2 year old has woken up, so I try and stand up to go get her back to sleep and I just don't feel good, so I ask him to give me a water right next to him, so I drink some water, and try to go ahead and head up stairs, and the next thing I know is I'm hearing someone yell, "Baby, Baby are you ok, I had fainted and landed flat on my face on the cement floor, so I try and sit up and I feel like I'm going right back out, then he starts saying see that's what you get for not believing in my God, he is punishing you, and then he starts talking about how he is going to get insurance on me, and then I asked him for some more water, and this time he had to go upstairs to get it for me, and he had to do this two times, So I asked him, do the kids know I just fainted, I was speaking about my 18 year old and 17 year old, because I needed someone to know what was going on, he was acting if he did not care, so he says no I did not want to worry them, So he goes back upstairs to get me some water and each time he goes upstairs he is taking a while to come back down, So this time he comes back down he says your kids are coming down to look at you, so I'm like ok, So here comes my two oldest and he picks up the glass of wine he was drinking and he tells my kids, "She had 4 of theses, which was 100 percent a lie, Im thinking this man just lie on me right in my face, and I look at him and say no I did not, so anyways I finally get upstairs my legs still feel weak and my head hurts so bad and I feel so dizzy. So the next morning he is off work this day, and I wake up and I'm still not feeling good I feel weak and my whole body hurts, from falling face first into the concrete and I getting up to use the bathroom and my 2 year is in the bathroom with me, and she is pulling everything out from under the sink, and I'm trying to put it all back under, so of course my 2 year old starts crying, because she cant get her way, as 2 years do, and he he comes yelling at me saying, " What the F***, I cant get no peace, yall done F***** up my fathers day it ( It was not even fathers day yet), You over here fainting, theses kids is bad, and so on and so on. So later that night I get up to cook dinner and he acts like he is concerned, about what happened to me the night before and he starts saying dang I thought I was going to lose my wife that night, do you know how that makes me feel, and then all the sudden as I'm cooking dinner, and starts playing this Youtuber that's has this rap song about how is does not need no B****, and he is replaying this part over and over, and then he start saying, Men don't need no women, women need us, so I finish dinner give him his plate and I go in my room with my 2 year old and I can hear him turn up the rap rap song super loud so I can hear it. So now it is Sunday, and thank God he has to go work, I get up and make him a steak breakfast for fathers day and get him whatever he needs to get ready for work, so Im thinking there will finally be some peace in the house for some hours, So my girls come up to talk to me, as there always do when he leaves, and they go on to talk about that night, so they tell me their dad came up stairs and he asks them hey have you guys tried that lemon cake and he goes on to say how he thought it was good, and then he says oh your moms downstairs she fainted, and my kids are like What?? in their minds they are like there is something wrong with our mom and you are up here asking us about some cake??? And they said, then he goes on to start asking them what I do during the day, like I'm at home doing something wrong, and then he tells them he was downstairs crying Hella hard, before he came up to tell them, which is a 100 percent lie. Anyways it was at that point I knew this man cares nothing bout me I have given him 5 children, high risk pregnancies with 3 of our kids, took good care of his 4 children that he had before me, and I raised them as my own, even homeschooled two of his children and he really could care less if I lived or died, so I started calling women shelters yesterday, but of course they are all still full. I feel so trapped so lost, so like there is no hope, I will never get away from this man. One thing for sure I will keep trying, I keep having theses dreams of me and my kids walking and I look over at them and they have theses big smiles on their faces, like they are finally free, I can not wait for that dream to come true. The crazy part is he think my kids and I should be thankful for him, he makes us feel crazy for the way we feel, like what we are feeling is unnormal and we are just being selfish and ungrateful, he tells us you know how many women would love to have a man like me, or a dad like me. Sorry this post is so long, I just had to get this out I have no one to talk to. Thanks for listening.

So I just wanted to come here and let everyone know me and my kids got out, we are in a room right now, but someone will be coming to get us at 4 today to take us to a shelter, I am feeling all kinds of things, scared, happy, sad, I have not eaten in two days and not slept for a day, but I am happy that this i the start of our new life, but now it i time to fight, I'm not sure what my husband will do, I just pray he doe not try and take my babies from me, please keep us in your prayers and wish us luck.

Girl , thank God you got out !!! I will be praying for you and the kids !!!! Much comfort ,hugs and prayers !! Please let us know how you are doing ASAP