Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone,
I want to leave my husband. I have wrestled with this decision for over a year and strongly feel that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I am 29 and got married at 23 after a few years of on-again/off-again dating (and huge fights). I have a chronic illness and that is what stopped me from leaving soon after we got married--I was diagnosed about a year and a half after we got married and could do very little for the first year after diagnosis. In the meantime, he has never been able to financially support me. He has always worked crap jobs (restaurant fry cook etc) despite holding two degrees. In fact, I have had to find 3 jobs for him because he wouldn't do it himself. He was too afraid of failure, or something. Basically he was too busy playing video games, though. Although I am still sick, I make more than he does by working two part-time jobs from home (he is full-time). In addition, he ignores me to instead play video games or watch TV. He does not communicate, which is something I said would be a deal breaker from the very beginning. He has done sexual things several times that I did not want and that he did not ask about beforehand. He has a bad temper, although he has never physically hurt me. There are many, many reasons why I have become increasingly unhappy in our nearly 6 years of marriage. Last summer, I began to think seriously about leaving. I began saving money and thinking of ways out and trying to talk to him. Talking didn't work as he shuts down or plays the martyr every time I mention a problem. Then he gave me the silent treatment for over a week. I have tried to look past things, but I'm ready to leave.
Three days ago I tried to discuss this. I said that I was very unhappy and had been for a very long time and that I wanted to separate. I didn't use the "D-word" because I am afraid of his temper and reaction. He kept cutting me off during this discussion and sobbing and basically throwing a tantrum (throwing himself into the couch, yelling, stomping his feet). We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. The morning after I said it, he acted as though nothing happened. He offered to make breakfast for me. In the days since, he has been acting like nothing happened. He is completely ignoring this. In the past he has gaslighted me, but this makes me feel absolutely crazy.
I don't have many friends and my family all live far away from me, so I have pretty much no one to talk to about this. I will be going out of town for a long weekend and am planning to write him an email saying I want him to move out and the decision who moves will be up to him. I would just move out, but I want to stay in our rental now and I am pretty certain he wouldn't be able to afford it himself.
I feel so guilty and bad about this, but I truly feel it's the right decision for me. I'd appreciate thoughts. Thanks.
I want to leave my husband. I have wrestled with this decision for over a year and strongly feel that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I am 29 and got married at 23 after a few years of on-again/off-again dating (and huge fights). I have a chronic illness and that is what stopped me from leaving soon after we got married--I was diagnosed about a year and a half after we got married and could do very little for the first year after diagnosis. In the meantime, he has never been able to financially support me. He has always worked crap jobs (restaurant fry cook etc) despite holding two degrees. In fact, I have had to find 3 jobs for him because he wouldn't do it himself. He was too afraid of failure, or something. Basically he was too busy playing video games, though. Although I am still sick, I make more than he does by working two part-time jobs from home (he is full-time). In addition, he ignores me to instead play video games or watch TV. He does not communicate, which is something I said would be a deal breaker from the very beginning. He has done sexual things several times that I did not want and that he did not ask about beforehand. He has a bad temper, although he has never physically hurt me. There are many, many reasons why I have become increasingly unhappy in our nearly 6 years of marriage. Last summer, I began to think seriously about leaving. I began saving money and thinking of ways out and trying to talk to him. Talking didn't work as he shuts down or plays the martyr every time I mention a problem. Then he gave me the silent treatment for over a week. I have tried to look past things, but I'm ready to leave.
Three days ago I tried to discuss this. I said that I was very unhappy and had been for a very long time and that I wanted to separate. I didn't use the "D-word" because I am afraid of his temper and reaction. He kept cutting me off during this discussion and sobbing and basically throwing a tantrum (throwing himself into the couch, yelling, stomping his feet). We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. The morning after I said it, he acted as though nothing happened. He offered to make breakfast for me. In the days since, he has been acting like nothing happened. He is completely ignoring this. In the past he has gaslighted me, but this makes me feel absolutely crazy.
I don't have many friends and my family all live far away from me, so I have pretty much no one to talk to about this. I will be going out of town for a long weekend and am planning to write him an email saying I want him to move out and the decision who moves will be up to him. I would just move out, but I want to stay in our rental now and I am pretty certain he wouldn't be able to afford it himself.
I feel so guilty and bad about this, but I truly feel it's the right decision for me. I'd appreciate thoughts. Thanks.
If it were me, I would be so much happier by myself rather than with a child to take care of and find jobs for.
HOWEVER, I would NOT tell him you are going to leave when you are away from home. I would not want to guess what he might do.
I would just one day leave without warning. ---I think you have warned him in the past.
Men or women tend to be at their most violent stage when the spouse tries to leave---
I would also talk to a lawyer before you left.
Good luck
"....am planning to write him an email saying I want him to move out and the decision who moves will be up to him." That's contradictory to me. Why is who moves up to him? Don't give him any more power and if you are worried about his anger don't be afraid to let him know you'll drop a dime on him. Don't live in fear over that piece. Take your power back in a sense.
Its a rental so how close are you to when the lease is up?
Are both of your names on the lease? He doesn't exactly sound like he would be one who would just agree to leave given that you want to stay there now.
Tiredoflosing- Thanks for the support. I'm sorry you're in the same situation, it's completely degrading and disrespectful. It's not ok.
gem111- Yes, it used to be lots of fights, but now he refuses to even fight. He just refuses to talk or throws a fit and cries if I bring up a problem. There is no way to communicate with that. Yes, I have warned him, and I am tempted to find a new place and just sign a lease and be done with it, but I love the place I'm living now and would like to stay here if possible. Or is it not worth it? I have a garden here and the location is perfect for me, but not for him since he has a long commute, which is one reason I wanted to give him the option. I don't think he would torch my stuff while I'm away or anything, but honestly I don't know. Perhaps you're right.
AurorasHope- I definitely understand what you mean. I was thinking of putting the option to him because I want to stay in this place, but I don't really have grounds to kick him out. But honestly a big part of me would like to just sign a lease somewhere else and be done with it. I have a garden here that I will be devastated to leave and the location is great for me (but not him), but I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world. Our lease is month-to-month, so there wouldn't be any problems as far as that goes. I think you may be right though.. he is definitely a man-child and getting him to leave might be more difficult than I had hoped, if not downright impossible.
He would also cut me off during serious conversations about me being unhappy and wanting to leave him etc.
And he would act like everything is peachy.
But I know I deserve better, it's just getting there...
AurorasHope- I'm not sure. This is my first time doing month-to-month and it's basically just that we have an agreement with the landlord that we can move out at any time with 30 days' notice. I don't hate him, so I don't want to take the step of going behind his back with the landlords *yet*. Perhaps it would be better to say "Unless you are willing to move out by the end of the month, I will move out by the end of the month." Maybe I should also have him put it in writing. I'll even help him with the deposit for a new place if he needs, although I don't particularly want to offer that right off the bat.
shanbanan- Yes, "it's just getting there." Exactly. I think it's especially harder when they won't even acknowledge your unhappiness or desire to leave. And logistics are so tough. I can completely understand your worrying about him not having anything, I worry about that, too. I don't think it's because we're weak, I think it's because we're decent, compassionate people. No one can accuse us of not trying.