Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey Folks,
I'm finding it really difficult to find others in my situation.
Almost 9 weeks ago my wife (of only two months/2.5 years together) had a nervous breakdown and left. We didn't break up, she just unilaterally decided that she didn't feel safe with me and that I couldn't help her if she was going to hurt herself and left.
It's been really tough and I have been trying to be supportive. I know that there were moments where I wasn't supportive enough.
We've almost broken up a few times while she's been gone. Initiated by me.
Things would seem to get better and then I would feel really angry about it all and try to break up with her.
A month in she said she needed more time and told me she was going to start there until the end of January.
She's supposed to come back on Sunday, but yesterday she asked if I would be okay if she stayed at her friends house while her husband was working out of town this month. She'd be home for ten days and then there for a week and then home for a few more days and then there again for another week.
I told her that I can't do it. I can't compromise anymore and that I want my wife back. I told her that if she needed more time, then she can just stay there.
She argued that it wasn't about me and that it was about her friend who's been there for her during this tough time and that she should be there for her friend. I said go for it and stay there.
So now we're in break up limbo.
I'm so angry and so resentful that I'm not sure I want to be with her anymore. I'm so mad that she would ask for more time away!!
What do I do?
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
Thanks for the kind words. I haven't talked to a professional about it yet. I know I need to. It often takes months to get in (I'm low income).
I'm trying not to be emotional. I'm just really tired of waiting. I'm angry at the impact this has had on me and I'm angry that she would even think it was okay to ask for more time after giving her 9 weeks to take care of her stuff.
I'm also angry because when she left she told all her friends that it was my fault and now they all think I'm a dick. Even when I was hanging out with her and I've of her friends it was apparent that she believed it was my fault.
So now it's super awkward around her friends and I don't like hanging out with them. All she said is that over time it'll be fine and that I need to show them that I'm a good person.
She already knows how I feel about the time she's taken.
She said I have expectations that she doesn't know about and that I blow up when she doesn't meet them. Unfortunately I strongly disagree. I've told her lots what this was doing to be and what my needs are. She chooses to continue to not meet them.
I just can't do it anymore. If she wants more time, then I feel like she can have all the time she needs.
She's made it obvious that her friends are more important.
I'm just feeling really done.
It's not really about her staying with her friend or supporting her back. That's a very small part of the issue's you guys have to deal with and figure out at this point....very, very small.
If her Mental Illness issues are not something you think you can get On-board with and support her getting real help for....then you really need to re-think if you should be married, because this isn't "stuff" that you just fix in a few days or weeks and it goes away and then you go about regular life. Sorry.
Thanks for replying.
First off I never once used the term "mental stuff". I did use the term stuff just to shorten the sentence. So please step back with your judgements.
Yes I did know about her mental health issues.
I get that it can't be fixed in an alloted amount of time and I just don't agree that 2+ months is okay to be gone. I have done my best to be supportive and right now I'm not okay with more time apart. You may be able to sit there and judge me for my needs, that's fine. Just don't sit there and tell me what I should be okay with!!
I am not okay with her taking more time away. I am also not okay with being trash talked to people that I thought were also my friends.
I was and have been prepared to be there for her, I'm not prepared for an indefinite amount of time apart and I'm not okay with more time apart then necessary.
See, part of the problem is the lack of connection over the last 9 weeks. I've seen her 1 - 2 times every two weeks. I'm lucky if I hear from her day to day.
I'm the beginning I got it. She was in a bad place and I just have her space and checked in with her to make sure she was okay. Now she is no longer in that dark place. There is no need to be so distant anymore. I want to be in a relationship. I don't want to keep feeling like an outsider looking in!!
I would also like for her and I to be together and work on reconnecting and work on our relationship and that's just not possible seeing someone once every two weeks.
Unfortunately Church doesn't cure all ills. And Mental Illness isn't a touchy subject its a real one. Your wife has issues that are going to be very real and in your marriage all the time. Yes you do need to take care of yourself, which is why if you can't deal with her and her issues, that are going to keep coming up, then it may not be the right marriage for you. Because she will seem selfish and probably blame you and the 2 of you probably won't agree on who's right or who's wrong. It's hard to reason with someone who can't be reasonable.
If she's not in treatment, then it's a really hard road to travel and not everyone can handle it or wants to. She has to be willing to accept the responsibility of getting help and managing her mental health, that's on her, not you.
And yes you have a right to want a wife who's in your marriage with you, nothing wrong with that. But someone who's not taking care of themselves and treating their Mental Illness may not be able to give you what you want/need.
You won't get judgement from me, but you will get honesty.
Take care.