That is the age old question. I guess for me at least, that is why you question the love the claim they had or have for you. Which puts us in this turmoil.

I think some people lack the ability to be introspective, so they sort of live in a state of denial acting as though nothing has happened.

And then there are the rest of us....how do you go about figuring it out? One day at a time, on emotion at a time. I have found counseling to be a huge help to me in that respect. I also do a lot of journaling about my thoughts and feelings. Talking to friends is also a big help. Being here at DS has helped me tremendously.

It is hard to escape the feelings of confusion, even for those of us who left. I think part of the issue is society tells us a lot of things about marriage that turn out to not be true and that becomes very obvious when a marriage is ending. It's confusing to be told all your life that you meet the 'one', marry and live happily ever after - forever. When the truth is, for most people, something very different. A lot of people are able to pretend that everything is fine until the marriage actually breaks down and then, suddenly, you find yourself a complete and utter mess.

Hang in there. The healing process takes time but it does happen, little by little. Things will become clearer the further along you are in the process. It does get easier. Ask anyone who has been here for a while. Hugs.

Gemini613 said it all. The only thing I would add is that I conciously try to take pleasure in the little things in life that I ignored for so long. A good conversation, a glass of wine or a song that you hear that really speaks to you.

being a spouse, parent, worker, sister, brother, etc. are all just ROLES of yourself. It isn't who you are. You are just you. The other things in your life define roles you play in life. Don't think of your roles as the value you place on yourself as a person. You are just you. Figuring out who you are after stripping away your roles, will allow you to be the person you know deep inside you really are.

I am sorry that ur having a tough time..so am I ....
I dont understand how some people can just get on with their life after an ending of a relationship either - I mean even if the person wasnt happy and felt it was over long b4 it actually ended - its still a huge diff. in thier everyday lives right???
how could this not affect the people...
How can they just shut it out???
Thier whole lives r changing and they can just adapt...well i cant just adapt to this change.,..I wish to god i knew how to but i cant..
As for ur question how to go about it...I think the best thing will be time... I know its the hardest thing right now but I think time is very important - the pain will never fully go away but with time it will become less and less....with time things that were so strange, new and unfamiliar will eventually become the old, and familair...life changes and we need to change with it or we will become stuck, miserable and not able to live our lives...
try not to focus on the past or ur pain,,try looking to ur future and focus on improving urself anyway u can...

I think that anyone not effected by a marriage ending is only hiding the emotion. I honestly think that everyone feels something- some just hide it, like my STBX. We just had this conversation 2 days ago. He acts like he does not have a care in the world, even though our 14 year marriage is ending. I frankly think those of us that allow ourselved experience the emotions, good, bad or ugly are better off. I feel sorry for him (STBX) I think he is heading for a major melt down at some point, or maybe one day far in the future he is going to look around and wonder how he got there. I'm gonna know...

Cheers

the best advice I can give is to not let the fear parlyze you...you can be scared shitless and still move forward...inch by inch. Having been divorced before where my entire world changed...I never thought I'd see light in my life again. I crawled forward at a snails speed..and in about two years, I found peace.
Burns my butt that I'm going through it again...becuase I know it will be painful...and I know how the panic and fear feels...but I also know there is light at the end of it. Hang in there...I'm thinking of you.
Big hugs,
Tori