Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm so upset and mad but not at him, I'm upset at me for thinking about him, upset that I can't control my thoughts, upset at my own heart. My heart aches and I miss him and I want to talk to him and then my brain tells me no, is a constant battle between my heart and my brain and is so exhausting.
This past few days I've been yelling at my heart not to be so stupid, to forget and move on and he don't want to listen to my brain, is like a tug of war between heart and brain. I do keep myself busy but his face invades me thoughts at every minute and once again that makes me mad at myself.
I'm tired of thinking, of feeling and worst of not been able to forget.
This past few days I've been yelling at my heart not to be so stupid, to forget and move on and he don't want to listen to my brain, is like a tug of war between heart and brain. I do keep myself busy but his face invades me thoughts at every minute and once again that makes me mad at myself.
I'm tired of thinking, of feeling and worst of not been able to forget.
Asking someone to not be so hard on themselves, reassuring them that this is normal and/or telling them to keep busy w/o having additional tools doesn't help.
Here are a few tools that are most effective when used together.
1. awareness - becoming aware each time it happens
2. acceptance - accept that it's part of the process and know the more we fight it, the stronger it gets AND the more focused we are on it. We can either say, "oh S**t, here I go again" or we can smile knowingly to ourselves the way we would watching a small child figuring things out for him/her self. (I prefer the latter.)
3. stop & breathe - take several slow deep breaths, visualizing breathing in a calming mantra and breathing out the thoughts/feelings (it takes practice, but it really works!)
3. gratitude - after those few deep breaths, offer gratitude for something, even if it was something considered insignificant. What I discovered is that it's what we think are the insignificant things, the small things, are the ones that really count - they add up and can shift our thought patterns.
4. judge the judgment - be the merciful judge that says, "I see you are judging yourself again. They're just feelings. Feel them & say them out loud. Then put them in a god box or a bag that you send out to the universe to hold for just a little while until you want them back again. It's ok. It's part of the process.
When his face invades your thoughts, try saying, "ok, so you're here, give me your best shot!" Fighting prolongs the agony. Accepting makes it disappear quicker.
They say that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What that means is it's all in what we do with the pain. Instead of fighting it, Embrace the pain as you would a small child who is crying. Mother yourself. This isn't about distraction or keeping busy. Obviously, you may not be able to do this in public or at work. (That's another way you can use the god box or bag to the universe I mentioned earlier comes in.) BUT what you can do is take a few seconds to acknowledge the pain and then tell the part of you that is hurting what you would tell a small hurting child by acknowledging the feelings. Then put it in the god box or bag that gets sent to the universe for safe keeping until you can deal w/the feelings in privacy.
This will take effort, but it is well worth it.
It would help to see a therapist who can offer a deeper explanation of the tools I listed as well as some others.
~healing hugs~
Playerapr I think this is what we need. I know I just needed someone to tell me what to do. Let's try it and see how it goes. Keep me posted.
1. Look around and name off all of the colors you see; I see blue, red, yellow, etc. This replaces the thoughts of him.
2. I would stop what I was doing and just listen, I would name the first three things I could hear.
3. When a thought came to me, I'd try and follow it through to the end result of what really happened; I remembered a fun trip to Vegas we went on BUT remember how we ended up fighting and he threatened to leave me there.
4. Journal, journal, journal, either on here or on your computer of just write. It has helped me tremendously to vent somewhere safe and then to be able to look back and see that I have made some progress in my healing.
5. Definitely go NC if possible. Time and time again I've hurt my progress by making contact with him. This is what I still struggle with the most.
6. Reading self help books, highlight the words that speak to you and then read them again.
7. I started an affirmation list and have posted quotes, thoughts, scriptures, positives, anything that I can read that helps me stay strong, focused and on the healing path.
8. And last but not least when I think of the good things he used to do....USED TO DO, I just call him a bastard and there goes the thought. POOF!
I still love the bastard but he left and my journey continues with out him, sigh.
I am going to also print off Mycolors list, it was perfect. Hang in there, it does get easier, the down times do get fewer and less dramatic but it really is a roller coaster ride. Key to healing is to look forward not back. My counselor told me to quit looking in the rear view mirror, I'm not going that way anymore.
Hugs!
The dreaded NC - urgh!!! I also struggle with that one.
I love journaling - it does helps me a lot.
Stay strong.