Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband is a "nice guy" he is also very quiet and keeps a lot to himself. We've been together almost 10 years and married for a little more than 5 1/2. He is 35 and I am 32. Before getting married, I liked him because he was different from guys I had dated in the past in that he was nice to me. I noticed he was quiet but didn't pay too much attention to it...he was nice! Mom, who had been cheated on in a previous marriage, told me that he was quiet and a loner and that was good because I wouldn't have to worry about him cheating on me. Coming from my mom, I just took the advice. 2 months after being married, Mom passed away, I had all sorts of family problems and we never had a "honeymoon" phase. At that same point I started to accept that I felt empty in our relationship and faced that I needed more communication and more opening up from him. Since I expressed that to him almost 6 years ago out marriage has been very shakey. Not only because of that but we've had so many big negative events thrown at us. This past May, I was offered a job that would no longer require me to be dependent on two incomes and I started to face just how unhappy i was and we were. Towards the end of May we got into another argument and didn't talk...I have always been the one to approach him and say "we have a problem we need to try and see what's going on" or after not talking for a day or two telling him "can we talk now??" and during that argument in May something clicked in me and I had just had it. I stayed in our bedroom and he stayed in the living room...I just wanted him to take the initiative and come to me for once...give me hope that he cared enough to approach me..once...but nothing. We went 3 weeks living in the same small house together but avoiding and ignoring each other. at 3 weeks I had it, i approached him and we argued more. I told him I wanted a divorce and he cried but after that was completley indifferent. I filled out the papers and was ready to hand them in and...because I'm me...and I got scared because it all started to seem real...I asked him how he felt about divorcing since I hadn't heard anything from him. He said he didn't want to divorce and wanted to try...and I reluctantly agreed and jumped in head first. Since then it has been very very difficult. We argue every day or every other day and if we aren't arguing we're ignoring each other. I can't get him to talk I'm tired of the relatinship being my responsibility. He tells me he understands but I really don't think he does. I have no family...my siblings live near by but cut me off because my mom left me in charge of her will....I have a couple good friends but one is in TX and the other lives about 45 min away and is married with issues of his own. Other friends I let disappear over the years as I devoted all of my energy to trying to fixthe relatinship. I feel that if I had family or friends...a support system...I'd already be on my way out of this relationship. I don't know what to do.
You work thru the marital issues and your
Own issues. You can not fix him only yourself
He has to want To deal with his own stuff. HUGS
Sarah0307x
Hi liz83
I totally feel for you ..
It must literally feel like limbo .
I know exactly how you feel . Although I've not married I am in a similair situation .
I agree with the other commentaries , divorcing should be the last resort and since you have already tried counselling it doesn't leave you with many other options .
As a complete stranger and person who understands the pain of feeling disregarded , unimportant , not valued (and so forth ..) I'll give you a couple of suggestions . It may or may not be useful but hopefully it takes you one step closer to resolving your issues .
Liz, when two people get together what it is , is two individuals with complete different personalities traits , perspectives , feelings and so on .. but most importantly people don't react the same to stress, change , problems , issues , pressures etc..
To illustrate I'll describe my partner how he is .. He too is quiet , withdraws in time of distress and ultimately act selfishly without even knowing , but to him he is completely blinded by his own shame . He just doesn't know how to cope and be the man I need , making him feel shame , feel weak , unworthy , a feeling of guilt that consumes him and instead of confronting issues he finds it easier to hide .
With time I've been able to realise everyone copes differently . Some need action , need communication , need to solve . Others find it easier to cope by being alone because they can't deal with their self loathe , shame , acting like they don't care to hide their inner feelings of guilt and disapointment . Even after all the years of being in my relationship when we are at that breaking point , he gets so scared of me leaving him that hiding from me is the only way he doesn't confront the issues .. When fighting he becomes the master of twisting things to make it sound like I'm in the wrong too . If you see this in your husband too , don't look too much into it , he probably is just trying to find a way to look less bad in your eyes by redirecting the blame on you . Why do they do this ? Ultimately , by experience , pride has often been the core problem. Because withdrawn partners think so lowly of themselves ; because they are clueless how to reach out to you and at the same time petrified of you leaving them ; lacking humility is the only way they can still float on the surface because by rejecting to take ownership of the mistakes made being proud is often what they use to keep the relationship going , that way you feel obligated to stay a bit longer .
Once again this is just an alternative point of view . Perhaps I'm completely off track but to me the solution is simply :
Re-education .
Educating your partner and teaching him how to reach out for you .
How do you do this ?
Be an example to him . Be humble .
Show unconditional love . Hold him in your arms at night . Make him feel safe again . Show him that there is hope . Show him how to be brave again . Be his rock even when you feel he doesn't deserve it . Teach him how to be humble by you disowning yourself to make him feel good . Because let's face it Liz at the moment you are the last man standing . He has given up and let himself neglect his responsibilities because he probably die st even know where to start to pick up the pieces . Point him in the direction he needs to take to find the first broken piece. Only you know where they are but now he needs to find them too so that next time there is a crisis or problems he can pick you up by himself .
My opinion is he either forgot how to love you in all the problems you guys have faced , or he simply was never tought how to love . Either way you need to see him as a wounded soldier .
Lost and blinded by all the distress .
He has nowhere to turn , nowhere to go . Show him how to get up . Be his partner in crime , be approachable , view him as your other half , put your feelings aside , block all the negativity and be his strength . It's not easy but if you succeed in this not only are you saving your marriage but potentially saving your mans life .
Because living in a house and not talking for 3 weeks is not a life . As a matter of fact it strips away his sense of masculinity too because he is no longer " the man " In charge and in control . This shows a lack of confidence if he isn't the one trying to protect you and take care of you .
He maybe just assumed you are strong enough to handle everything yourself and doesn't feel he is needed anymore .
So try to see him through his own eyes . His perspective . Understand how he copes . Be in tuned with his soul again .
Once you build on that , once he is up again and healed , surely he will apply what you've tought him .
Try not to give up because at the end of the day , we are all human. We mess up . Things get complicated and we all get lost and depressed.
Be his fuel untill he can be yours .
And meanwhile know that your efforts are not unseen . Keep up the good fight and don't give up just yet . You've come to the forum today to ask strangers their opinions but really you are the one who has made us all stronger . Liz you are an example to all of us readers of what determination , strength , courage and hope is . I'm sorry for your losses including your mother , and all the other problems you've experienced . Thank you for sharing .
Hope this helps if not sorry for the very long read :)
Take care
Sarah
I say, we should do this head-on . You can't control your husband. You don't make his choices. What you can do is start doing things that makes you happy. Separate your anger about what he is not doing for you and fill it with fine, it his choice, but I am going to go..... OUT and become social! Also know you are not alone. You have a family here that is going through very similar problems.
Skoko (Sarah): Thank you for your very thoughtful response. What you said makes complete sense. I really appreciate your insight. How you described him is pretty much how he is and I see, despite not wanting to, that if we have any chance of succeeding it is going to be a lot of work on my end to be patient, bite my tongue, remembering to breathe, and giving him positive reinforcement as I can. I have to accept that I will not get what I need right away no matter how much I want it. If he sees a change in me, that will feed into him and make him more comfortable. At that point, I will see if he is able to give me the kind words and encouragement I need from a partner. I would be interested in seeing if he would go to counseling on his own. He's tried in the past but gave up quickly because he did not like the counselor. I hope things are well for you :-)
So the story goes: I am so happy you have decided to make some positive changes in your life! :) I hope that it works out for you and gives you what you need :-) I hope to figure out what I need to do as well. I have lots of helpful input here and a heavy and confused heart. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone in this and I have a family here...it means a lot to me :-) Be well :-)