Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello All, I've been on here for a bit, 7 and 1/2 months to be exact, the day I last spoke with my wife, best friend, the person who seemingly adored me, supported me, my number 1 fan, the person who said she would be there no matter what...
That was also my sobriety date...I had a meltdown Thanksgiving weekend, I said things I should not have said, I was struggling with the loss of my father, my family business of 85 years, and all of the uncertainty and fear that went with it. Throw in an extremely acrimonious 1st marriage/divorce, and all of the unknowns with my kids.
Yeah, I am a recovering alcoholic. I'm a $hit human being, I got what I deserved, that is how I have felt for 7 and 1/2 months. No excuses, it's all my responsibility, I know, I have to own it, let's just get that out of the way. I was sick, I was going to die from my disease, I had no idea how to escape it, until I hit rock bottom. No matter how much I begged for help, my disease was in control, finding every possible way to keep the alcohol coming. I was told 1 week before she left that I didn't have to go to treatment if I was not ready and she would never leave me... But, I was never the stereotype, the caricature, the town drunk that neglected and abused everybody and everything. I never lost touch of what was important, and letting my kids and wife and her kids that I loved them.
Now I have a new hell. Not being able to reconcile anything. She knew I had issues from the day she met me. We never fought or argued. She married me after 5 years, despite my struggles. I was highly functional, worked, took good care of the kids, adored my wife as she adored me, pulled my weight around the house, my kids loved her, I loved her kids, we were a family, finally, and we enjoyed even the most mundane times and tasks, as long as we were doing it together.
But no contact, not a single conversation, not an email, text, smoke signals, nothing...just gone, papers filed, my premarital assets taken, she's now hooked up with my ex-wife, her friend who is getting divorced, people with ulterior motives, who have their own needs. I know, she's a big girl, she makes her own decisions... But, what a great thing, the ex now has 1 more person to help hurt me and kick me while I'm down, the friend has somebody to pay her rent and help her with her own marital issues...
Any concern that she ever expressed was for my health. I understand she didn't want the kids to see the drinking, but, I am human. I didn't always make the right decisions, but, I never laid a finger on anybody, loved and nurtured everybody, I was sick, I needed help, support, love, even tough love...not abandonment.
That said, I have so many questions, and no answers what so ever...
When she left, she called mutual friends and family, saying she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing and that she loved me. Nobody questions whether she loved me, if anything, they express shock, because they knew us as a couple deeply in love with each other, even jealous of our relationship. But, no contact, here's your papers, have a nice life? Why? Does anybody understand this strategy?
Was it just for money? She made off with the lion's share of the money which was almost entirely my premarital money? She told everybody she just needed enough to get her feet on the ground and she was going to return the rest? It was a very large sum of money? Yet, she never seemed to care about money during our relationship, never spent wildly, lived very modestly...
I can't come up with a single plausible explanation for a complete cessation of our relationship. Yes, I imploded, as I always feared I might do because of the disease. Maybe I don't deserve a second chance, or forgiveness. Maybe our vows were empty to begin with, the sickness and health, better, worse, rich, poor? Maybe the constant conversations of how much we loved each other, how we never wanted to spend a moment apart, maybe I got suckered and she's a great actress?
Nothing reconciles, there is always a thousand examples of how the reasons offered by friends and family simply are not consistent with how our relationship was?
And now the feelings of claustrophobia are creeping in again. Loneliness and constant questioning, beating myself up, not able to forgive myself, regret. And the things she has done since leaving, things that are equally regrettable and downright nasty, as I do everything in my power to maintain my sobriety, piece the fragments of my family back together...
What do I do when there is no explanation. When every possible reason offered has a thousand examples of why that reason simply doesn't make any sense what so ever?
Why no contact?
Why the Jekyll and Hyde?
Why, when I see so many other recovering alcoholics who have turned their lives around and gone on to marriages decades long after awful, awful experiences, ours, which was never awful, not a second chance?
Why, when we had 100% compatibility, would she want to start over with all of the unknowns?
Why break up our kids, when all they have ever known is their step relationships?
If I had been a constant liability, violent, neglectful, unloving, I would get it.... Again, I know alcoholism has many faces, some of which we can't see ourselves because of jaded lenses. And I don't minimize my bad weekend, I have no doubt that it was traumatic, if not expected. Again, maybe this is what I deserve. I guess I just had more hope in humanity, I am confused, maybe I have no right to have any expectations at all, no matter how we felt about each other. Maybe divorce without notice is fair. Maybe I didn't deserve a warning shot, or help, or support.
I'm just asking, why? Is it something I just can't understand because I was the alcoholic? Is it a woman/man difference? Is there ANYTHING I can do to stop this when I can't contact her?
Sorry so long, thank you for letting me vent, I just miss her so much, so, so, so much...
That was also my sobriety date...I had a meltdown Thanksgiving weekend, I said things I should not have said, I was struggling with the loss of my father, my family business of 85 years, and all of the uncertainty and fear that went with it. Throw in an extremely acrimonious 1st marriage/divorce, and all of the unknowns with my kids.
Yeah, I am a recovering alcoholic. I'm a $hit human being, I got what I deserved, that is how I have felt for 7 and 1/2 months. No excuses, it's all my responsibility, I know, I have to own it, let's just get that out of the way. I was sick, I was going to die from my disease, I had no idea how to escape it, until I hit rock bottom. No matter how much I begged for help, my disease was in control, finding every possible way to keep the alcohol coming. I was told 1 week before she left that I didn't have to go to treatment if I was not ready and she would never leave me... But, I was never the stereotype, the caricature, the town drunk that neglected and abused everybody and everything. I never lost touch of what was important, and letting my kids and wife and her kids that I loved them.
Now I have a new hell. Not being able to reconcile anything. She knew I had issues from the day she met me. We never fought or argued. She married me after 5 years, despite my struggles. I was highly functional, worked, took good care of the kids, adored my wife as she adored me, pulled my weight around the house, my kids loved her, I loved her kids, we were a family, finally, and we enjoyed even the most mundane times and tasks, as long as we were doing it together.
But no contact, not a single conversation, not an email, text, smoke signals, nothing...just gone, papers filed, my premarital assets taken, she's now hooked up with my ex-wife, her friend who is getting divorced, people with ulterior motives, who have their own needs. I know, she's a big girl, she makes her own decisions... But, what a great thing, the ex now has 1 more person to help hurt me and kick me while I'm down, the friend has somebody to pay her rent and help her with her own marital issues...
Any concern that she ever expressed was for my health. I understand she didn't want the kids to see the drinking, but, I am human. I didn't always make the right decisions, but, I never laid a finger on anybody, loved and nurtured everybody, I was sick, I needed help, support, love, even tough love...not abandonment.
That said, I have so many questions, and no answers what so ever...
When she left, she called mutual friends and family, saying she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing and that she loved me. Nobody questions whether she loved me, if anything, they express shock, because they knew us as a couple deeply in love with each other, even jealous of our relationship. But, no contact, here's your papers, have a nice life? Why? Does anybody understand this strategy?
Was it just for money? She made off with the lion's share of the money which was almost entirely my premarital money? She told everybody she just needed enough to get her feet on the ground and she was going to return the rest? It was a very large sum of money? Yet, she never seemed to care about money during our relationship, never spent wildly, lived very modestly...
I can't come up with a single plausible explanation for a complete cessation of our relationship. Yes, I imploded, as I always feared I might do because of the disease. Maybe I don't deserve a second chance, or forgiveness. Maybe our vows were empty to begin with, the sickness and health, better, worse, rich, poor? Maybe the constant conversations of how much we loved each other, how we never wanted to spend a moment apart, maybe I got suckered and she's a great actress?
Nothing reconciles, there is always a thousand examples of how the reasons offered by friends and family simply are not consistent with how our relationship was?
And now the feelings of claustrophobia are creeping in again. Loneliness and constant questioning, beating myself up, not able to forgive myself, regret. And the things she has done since leaving, things that are equally regrettable and downright nasty, as I do everything in my power to maintain my sobriety, piece the fragments of my family back together...
What do I do when there is no explanation. When every possible reason offered has a thousand examples of why that reason simply doesn't make any sense what so ever?
Why no contact?
Why the Jekyll and Hyde?
Why, when I see so many other recovering alcoholics who have turned their lives around and gone on to marriages decades long after awful, awful experiences, ours, which was never awful, not a second chance?
Why, when we had 100% compatibility, would she want to start over with all of the unknowns?
Why break up our kids, when all they have ever known is their step relationships?
If I had been a constant liability, violent, neglectful, unloving, I would get it.... Again, I know alcoholism has many faces, some of which we can't see ourselves because of jaded lenses. And I don't minimize my bad weekend, I have no doubt that it was traumatic, if not expected. Again, maybe this is what I deserve. I guess I just had more hope in humanity, I am confused, maybe I have no right to have any expectations at all, no matter how we felt about each other. Maybe divorce without notice is fair. Maybe I didn't deserve a warning shot, or help, or support.
I'm just asking, why? Is it something I just can't understand because I was the alcoholic? Is it a woman/man difference? Is there ANYTHING I can do to stop this when I can't contact her?
Sorry so long, thank you for letting me vent, I just miss her so much, so, so, so much...
I applaude you for getting sober..it is not an easy thing to do. Life looks different when you are not getting drunk anymore..just feeling the feelings of pain and sorrow ..not numbing yourself. I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time..I feel I had a similar relationship in that my ex and I enjoyed even the most mundane tasks as long as we were doing them together too..it's what I loved. He had addiction issues..but I didn't leave because of that..I left due to the damage the lying and mild abuse caused. I think he lied to himself and believed his own lies. I don't know why your wife left..maybe she was suffering in her own quiet way for a long time. I am a little confused by how you seem like you accept responsibility one moment but then blame her for leaving. Again I can't discern from your post exactly the nature of your addiction or the effect it had on her but sometimes people just reach the breaking point and there is no going back. You had a meltdown, that was your breaking point..she reached hers. You can't accept responsibility for doing damage and then not accept consequences. I'm not blaming you..and you need to stop calling yourself a shit and putting yourself down. We are all on a journey to be whole..you struggled in your way..so did your ex.
There is not much you can do to get her back other than let her know you would like to reconcile. If she loved you the way you say then she must have been hurting badly to leave. I know from my own experience, I had to leave to save myself. I know that if my ex would go to therapy all by himself for a while..not just a few times..a while..to fix himself and I saw that his main goal was to get himself emotionally healthy..I would consider going back ..because our love was so strong.
So my point is..you can do nothing now except try to heal yourself. Get yourself as healthy as possible...become a fortress of self-love and strength and maybe if not your ex..you will attract a healthy relationship in the future. I know you miss her..God, the missing them is the worst. I still ache for my ex....still love him..that is so difficult. Time is the only fix..and No contact is the only way to not keep opening the wound. This is maybe why she has not contacted you. Maybe she feels she's not strong enough to talk to you without caving. Maybe she feels if she does contact you..you both will slip right back into the same old patterns.
All you can do is work on yourself. It's not easy, but it's worth it. I am sorry you are in pain..this site is so wonderful to get needed support. Wishing you peace..
I, of course, have no idea what your situation is really like or any of the details. From what you described, it sounds like your wife did/does love you before she left. However, sometimes when you are the one doing the hurting, you may not see the full extent that your behaviors impact the other person. She may have been acting like she was okay all along, that your drinking wasn't having a huge impact on you guy's family and life. But, it could have really been hurting her in ways that you could never know or understand. My husband has hurt me in so so many ways over the past 14 years. His dishonesty and disrespect has really killed something in me, changed me in ways he will never know because he has never had to experience it. But, he was and probably will never be able to see what he has done to me. I still function. I am still normal. I seem to be the same/similar person but I am truly jaded from this. Your bad weekend was probably the straw that broke the camels back as far as her building feelings were concerned.
I am implementing no contact because I need to heal. That is usually what the person is doing when they do the no contact. If she didn't care or if this wasn't difficult for her then no contact probably wouldn't be necessary.
Please take all that with a grain of salt because like I said, that is just what I got from what you wrote and from the perspective of a woman that has lived with someone that has hurt her for years without understanding the hurt.
Maybe you could write her a letter asking her to give some explanation although if she is doing no contact to heal herself then she probably won't respond to that either. even though it is difficult, the best thing would probably for you to just try to keep working on yourself and trying to get back on your feet in a life without her. After you are both past the most difficult part, maybe she will be inclined to offer you an explanation although you probably shouldn't bank on it as crappy as that feels :(
Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Congratulations on your sobriety! That is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself for being able to maintain it during this difficult time. Things will get better. With such a positive change to be sober, your life can only get better and better. Stay strong.
Maybe just maybe she liked you drunk , maybe it served her purposes, maybe she could manipulate you and had grander plans of manipulation yet to come,
And then you stared to get sober
Stay sober and all the best to you
But, as you may discover when reading these boards, going no contact is a very common thing. It is actually a healthy technique for a hurt person to begin healing. It helps the person focus on his or her own life so he or she can move forward without being distracted by what is out of his of her control (namely, the ex's choices, drama, etc.)
Her going no contact doesn't necessarily mean she no longer loves you. She is simply putting her own needs first.
I'd recommend that you focus on your own recovery and healing.
Second, your theories are more or less in line with mine. Again, as my sponsor tells me, had I not been drinking, I would not be in this situation. So, I blame myself. I do however sometimes slip into a mode where I think that I deserved an intervention. But, it seems like what I got instead was no communication of how she really felt about it, how strongly she felt about it, what the consequences would be, and even a fair amount of looking the other way, if not actively enabling me, she was a drinking buddy as well.
I've considered that maybe she can't handle the sobriety thing. As you have all pointed out, I have come to the "conclusion", that as soon as she let everybody know and had a team of people cheering her on, there was no coming back. No matter how she felt in her heart (i.e. still loving me as she said she did to family and friends), that option was no longer an option. And, I do believe that if she were to sit down and talk with me, she is afraid she would cave, let everybody else down, etc... Sadly, I feel like that love is still there somewhere, just lost forever.
I do come here for hope, who knows how our paths might cross. I tried a brief relationship, and it was constant comparisons to her. Worse, she had a drinking problem herself, and I simply couldn't be around that.
My addiction was serious enough that I had no idea how to control it. It did not result in years of abuse, as panther99 pointed out, pulling weeds was a joy for us. I had always hoped that with the proper help, she would be back, telling me "good job babe", like she did when ever she was proud of me. And that's the part that leaves me perplexed.
But I understand, she has kids, family, friends, they don't want her around an alcoholic. Again, this is my fault. I guess it's just a difference in how seriously we take our vows and how forgiving we are of certain things.
Again, thank you. I needed to vent, try to find some answers, your input has been great...I hope I can reach out when i get down. I know that when finalization time comes, it will be a dark place for me. This place has been great, and I do appreciate the thoughtfulness of your responses, the not condemning me for my addiction, and the words of support in recovery. I think we all reach a point where we want to scream "uncle" at life, and I felt that way this morning. Thank you all, and i wish you all the best in your own recovering from your pains and anguishes, and strength.
B