Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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kas2378 01/10/2017

Hi all. It's been a little while. Happy to say that I made it through the holidays with my mind still intact lol. So my husband and I have been separated since late October. He's been living with friends of ours since. He has not used the "D" word in a while thankfully but I am still pretty confused on what is going on in his head. So to anyone that has not heard about it yet he left with a quick "i'm not happy. I love you but I am not in love with you" after 16 years of marriage and 2 children.

So the confusion stems from trying to understand where he is going with all of this. He still texts me all the time on all kinds of things...the kids, his job, even to picking out new glasses. He has invited me out 2x now to go do things with him and the kids. To be honest other than the fact that he is not living at home things seem to be as normal as they were before he left.

I have found a great therapist who really does help a lot. I highly advise anyone that has not tried it to find someone. It really does help! I have become accustomed to being by myself with the kids and doing things my way. Even trying some new things. Zumba is a lot of fun! And I have lost some weight, enough to to be noticeable and that made me feel so good about myself! But as much as I am moving forward with my own life I would still like to work things out. I love my husband with everything I have. My therapist says he sounds like he is in the midst of textbook midlife crisis and the best thing I can do is sit back and wait and just take care of myself and the kids. No bridges have been crossed yet that can't be fixed. There has been no cheating or anything like that. I am just having a lot of trouble understanding why the mixed messages. The texts come all the time (not daily) but often enough but also just as quick as he is to text me he is just as quick to cut off the conversation. And the invites to go with him and the kids. Is this a way for him to feel out the relationship and to see if there is anything there? Or is it simply habit?

Any advice? Or is anybody going through something similar?

brokenjohn 01/10/2017

Sometimes for a man, emotions are far more confusing and in some cases alien to us. Men are by nature problem solvers and emotional crisis are not something easily dealt with. It may be that he's simply regrouping himself or trying to rediscover his identity which for men is an important thing.

Your going about things the right way from what I can see. Conserve your strength for now and see where things go. Just remember that you are the most important thing in your life. Hold on to that.

Koko 01/10/2017

The thing about midlife crisis is it can go either way. So you're doing the right thing by not waiting around for him and doing your thing. It is frustrating that he is putting you through this like you're not his wife though. As long as you can have peace with that betrayal you will be fine.

kas2378 01/10/2017

Thanks guys. The difference between the way a mans mind works and a woman's works is insane!

Trying to be patient. Some days it's much easier to do than others. So far he has not done anything unforgivable. The moment that line is crossed I'm done. Hoping it doesn't come to that. But I am in a much better place than I was 3 months ago. Wow only 3 months. Seems like it has been forever. At least I know I can handle whatever comes my way

DrMom 01/10/2017

My husband has been the same way since last year and today I have decided that I'm no longer his door mat. I earn a good living by myself and though it hurts like hell I am going to be okay. He cannot use me as his "Siri" and sounding board but be emotionally unavailable to me. This stops TODAY! If he wants to process his thoughts and not hear mine he needs a therapist, because I am moving on. Don't want divorce, but will not be separated and emotionally drained...

mirandac 01/10/2017

My question is what triggered this? Recent Death
in the family?job change? Some times Its the old
stuff rearing its ugly head.

I personally would not rule out an affair, doesnt
Have to be physical. It could be facebook or work.
Stuff like that they are never honest about.

We often talk about checked out spouses, they
are Detached and disconnected from you. Usually
The next step is to cheat as a way out.

Glad you have a good therapist to help Guide you.
HUGS

kas2378 01/10/2017

Mirandac yes his mom passed away suddenly and under tragic circumstances over the summer. I believe that has something to do with all of this. Maybe not everything to do with it but definitely something. He was also at a job he hated. He left that job last week for a new company which he seems enjoy. He has not cheated physically but he does have a "friend". I think he is interested in her but the interest seems very one sided. She has a boyfriend and lives in another state. So no meeting. Just chatting. Still not ok in my book but like I said nothing that we can't come back from. I almost feel bad for him because he seems so confused

mirandac 01/10/2017

A parent passing if you are from a dysfunctional
home it can make them very mixed up, Some can
go back to drinking and drugging. Its the old unresolved
stuff resurfacing and they can not cope.

My ex started acting out more after a change in his
work Lifestyle and he became more home based.
That was it For our marriage. I should have left then
that Was back in 2003.

He started with lots of bad behaviors, poor coping,
immaturity showing Up. He lost his identity and it
was all on me somehow. Things never improved.

He eventually started going on Facebook and found
There were women/people out there that liked what
He had to say. He liked the ego stroking. He was really
Checked out from me by then and very unhappy.

Cheating in your heart is cheating in my book, i still
Don't know if my ex ever got phsyical before he left
Me for his GF. He also had a hard heart toward me.
they usually go together. Just like if they don't Treat
you with respect, they don't love you.

I wish you better luck than me, i got the i love you
BUT treatment too after 30 years. HUGS

basnime 01/11/2017

Wow I can so relate. My stbx left in October as well. Yes he has developed a hard heart for me. The women on facebook and work love him dearly. He can take being alone as long as he has work and his social media. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Swiftintent 01/12/2017

From what I read, it sounds like he is not sure what he wants either. Good for you by the way on taking this time to take care of yourself and seeing someone to talk to. Have you guys thought about talking to someone together?

kas2378 01/13/2017

I asked him to see a counselor with me. He has no interest. I saw him last night at my son's lacrosse game and spent 2 hours stuck in the scoreboard box with him. He has no issue talking to me about his life and what's going on -friends, job, asking me about what i have going on... I really don't get it. I am so thankful that i don't have some of the issues that some of you guys have to deal with. He really is a good guy, and a great dad. Not a jerk to me at all. Gives me extra money when he thinks i need it whether i ask for it or not. Things like that. It makes it so much easier for the kids that we are not at each other but in a way it makes it so much more confusing for me. And he posts cryptic quotes on his facebook page making it appear he may be rethinking the situation. He blocked me from it but not my friends. Some days it seems like he is rethinking what he did and some days not so much. I am taking it a day at a time and actually doing much better than i was. I am in a much better place personally and the kids are dealing with it very well thankfully. Of course I would be dealing much better if everything wasn't stuck in this limbo state. But every day I get up and remind myself to be thankful for what I do have. 2 happy healthy kids, a good job, awesome family and friends, and you guys to vent to when i need it. Nothing to do on my end but give it time, hope, and pray for the situation to get better.

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