Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I have had a rough time. This last year he had a really involved affair that he even brought the woman to my house to convince me that he should be allowed to keep her and me at the same time.
We have been together 10 years and married for 5 years. In that time he has cheated on me four times each time worse than the last. Now he is trying to take my son away from me and I have been a stay at home mom most of our sons life. I have given my husband forgiveness many times because I felt like I played into him cheating by gaining weight and not always wanting sex like I did when we forst got together. But I worked at making his life easier by doing everything I could for him. I took care of all the stuff with our son and house. I also made money on the side and paid off all of his student loans (19k) last year by making money on the side. Not one did he say thank you for that or that he was sorry for cheating.
I was told in february when he tried to take our son without telling me where they were going to file an order of protection and divorce so 11 days later I did after he started yelling at my son more and making me feel like it was not safe to leave to even go to the bathroom without my son in the room with me. Since then I have removed everything becasue I felt I was very emotional when I did all the filing due to being 28 weeks pregnant at the time. I have since had the baby and am struggling not to cry everytime I see my husband.
I know him cheating was not my fault and it is really bad but I also know that I want him back but his whole family is very mad at me for sending him home to his parents. I have since asked him to move back home and he says he will not do that because he is loving the freedom to date others. Our son sees my husband from time to time but comes back a real mess for days after seeing him. So much so that he wakes up crying for days and the only way to calm him is to let him sleep in my bed.
What would you do to show someone that you are happier and that you have plans for a better life? My husband always complained that I did not do enough for him even though I felt like the things I did wrong was not be able to have sex with him much due to not fully trusting that he was clean due to sleeping around. The last affair had him going to sex clubs and having sex with more than just the other woman. Another thing was taking too much time with our delayed son. (speech, OT and behavioral) That took almost all of my energy most days. The other problem he had with me is that I did not work a "regular" job. I tend to do jobs that don't always make a ton but they pay the bills that his checks did not.
What can I do to show him I am happier while I am having a hard time holding back the tears most days? I had the baby 3 weeks ago and she is now with her dads (I was a surrogate). I feel happier most days but when the hormones kick in I never know what is going to happen... either yelling or crying. Please help!
I had the asshole husband who kept saying I never worked. I took off 4 years when the boys were born and were little, we both agreed on it, then went back part time. Sometimes I worked more hours in a week with various part time jobs than he did with his one. Plus I did absolutely everything for the house, bills, family. He watches tv. Yes he still says I never worked. Really? Really? Really? Often people put their own crap onto their spouses - mine hates his job, doesn't get paid alot (compared to his friends) so projects his own feelings of inadequacies about work onto me. No thank you.
I hope you can start to realize that you can be in a much better place without him.
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Have you done this successfully? Also my husband does not live at home right now so I have no idea what is actually happening with him.
I am doing okay with moving on bit by bit after reading a few old journals and I have been dealing with this at least in writing since 2012 and I know it probably was longer than that but do not have all my journals from the past after too many moves.
I am starting to do things for myself and that means doing all the things that I was not allowed to do while I was with my husband. I am going back to school and joining a gym. I will be better me after all of this and he will see that what he did to me was uncalled for damaging for a long time but I will rise above all of that.
Fix or control him only yourself. Your stbx is way
Beyond your control. He has major issues that have
Nothing to do with you.
Self protect and take care of yourself and your childs
Physical and Emotional wellbeing. I hope you have a
Trained therapist as a guide to help You thru all of this.
If not Women's aid/shelter has services available. HUGS
Those journals are priceless, yes? I didn't necessarily journal until I was at rock bottom, but I did have a letter in a sealed envelope I wrote from 5 years ago. All the issues I struggled with with ex were the same then as now. Nothing changed. Reading that letter validated my current feelings, and showed me just how long I put up with his crap. Keep journaling and see where you are in one year's time. I'm sure you'll be in a much better place!
Relationship stuff out, journaled it, did all the
self Help relationship work.
Guess what nothing changed Or ever got remotely
better only much worse. I finally just threw It all
away before i moved out and left town after the
Divorce.
What a waste of my time, energy, focus and paper
for thinking i could fix him and the mess that was
Now my marriage.
He did not want to get better, he wanted Out of
the marriage. His wounds are his to heal not mine.
I finally handed his issues right back at Him, they
are not mine to carry they are his, HUGS
I am glad to see that he is seeing that there are problems but can only hope he gets better for our son. I am done unless he really proves that I Gibbs are different.
My husband is still in his anger stage of all of this and I am past that and more to the what is next how do I move forward and what is moving forward?