I had texted me ex monday when was feeling so crappy waking up with the chest pain and all. he asked later am on his break if I was ok told him what my bp was hr said too high too and I needed to go in. upset he has not said anything since. He was an EMT and firefighters he always cares about people even when they may not be his favorite and he'd still check on them. but I guess me he really has walked away from even though he told me he didn't want me out of his life his actions sure show me otherwise. with the events if the week end and not even a text to check if I'm sitting in a hospital somewhere. 

I guess I expect more from the man I loved but I find he is not there. some other man is in his place and the man that held me in his arms and looked me in the eye and told me he loved me first...hugged me helped me and I him he is gone. 

I miss that man. he was good,kind, honest, loving, and loved me for who I am. I loved him faults and all but his issues he kept inside made him leave and try to harm himself. I would try to ask if he was ok he would say he was and that he would get past whatever was bothering him. he was always honest so i believed him. Found out stuff he had done online in May this year and confronted him that's when it started because I caught him talking to women with little clothing on, and my mind wondered what is he doing when we are not together too. he started to go through my phone looked at texts from my ex fiancé that left because he had MS about my daughter. one day my ex fiance had said he still loved me and what he felt for his new girlfriend was different. I said it was different with my current ex too. Love is different for people and I said sometimes I felt that way about the guy I was with and he read that. but he didn't read more that stated we were not friends for 7 years before we dated either I was with my ex fiance. 

MY current ex couldn't get over that yet he told me he felt different about me than his ex wife and his ex girlfriends too so I really don't get it. 

I know I will miss him for a very long time. He helped make me whole again and now that feeling is gone.I am broken right now very broken. I know he is not in a good place and right now I am not either. But I am trying some times during the day I feel good but the times of the day when he and I would text or be with eachother well that is so hard not to have his handsome face to look at or his strong arms to hold me. I know stupid right...   plus we go to the same church so that's not easy either. he has not been going much but now he will probably have to bring this chick from MH there and ruin where I feel some comfort and solice. 

EVERYONE try to have a good day. do something good for someone. It helps most of the time.