Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Stopping myself from writing to my ex. So I'm posting it here
I don't know what to do. I have been in turmoil since those emails. Why bother emailing me. Would it not be easier to just not bother? Hell that's what I thought you had done originally.
I am still so mad. Yeah it's great you take back everything. But now I'm left realising you left for fuck all. Except that you don't know what you want and you let things bubble up etc and whatever other reason.. You sent that "bad email" when I called you up on the fact this happened after weddings. And I know fine well that was the catalyst the first time. ***** got married and you freaked and started picking things apart about me. About us.
Want to know all there was to know?
Yes. We were not the perfect couple. Who is?
I would have my funks. But I knew I could always talk to you. You were selfish. I didn't ask much. And whilst it would have been nice for you to do as much as I did for you, I know you did it other ways.
I loved you. Unconditionally. I didn't care about the things you got so paranoid about. Your hair, height, glasses, whether you had money etc I didn't care. I loved everything. The silent times on the couch? Because I was comfortable. We could talk about everything (I thought) and nothing but we could have those moments when we could sit and do nothing. I loved little moments playing on the couch. Cuddling. Kissing. Other stuff. Watching you play videogames or doodling while you read or worked out guitar stuff.
I could never sleep alone. I still can't very well.
Talking everyday. Whether through whatsapp, in person etc. You I trusted so much. Your opinion I valued. Coming to yours was a highlight for me. Though we didn't live together like you suggested I always felt like I was coming home.
I loved your friends and family as my own.
I loved our days out. Our lazy Sunday's in. Getting dressed up for dinner thinking you looked so handsome and that I felt beautiful.
This is only a small fraction of it.
Everything. Big and small I loved.
All I ever wanted was that. To get our place one day with the workshops. To be happy and loved.
And you threw that away. I still don't understand how one falls out of love. After all that time. I still haven't. Which is why this is still so fucking hard. That while I still love you after everything you done, you fell out of love a long time ago. I feel sick thinking that you've probably already slept with someone else. That I am just the pathetic woman left behind. Torn about everything.
And you want a friendship with "no emotional baggage?"
Do you know how that sounds? And yes. You did admit it in the last email that you realised you sounded selfish.
I'm sick of words. I am sick of being the one in pain all the time, wondering why the hell I wasn't good enough. Why you bubbled shit up whenever you took these notions. I am sick of being the one that fought for EVERYTHING.
I am sick of being afraid that whatever I write will either mean you won't talk to me again (because "you think it's best") or will make me think we could ever be friends. Causing me more pain.
It's sad as well. I sometimes wondered if you would ever apologise. I imagined you turning up in Preston to talk in person. That you would make the effort and do the fighting for once. But that is a foolish lovesick girls thinking.
But that's what I have to deal with. Because I wasn't the one that fell out of love.
I don't know what to do. I have been in turmoil since those emails. Why bother emailing me. Would it not be easier to just not bother? Hell that's what I thought you had done originally.
I am still so mad. Yeah it's great you take back everything. But now I'm left realising you left for fuck all. Except that you don't know what you want and you let things bubble up etc and whatever other reason.. You sent that "bad email" when I called you up on the fact this happened after weddings. And I know fine well that was the catalyst the first time. ***** got married and you freaked and started picking things apart about me. About us.
Want to know all there was to know?
Yes. We were not the perfect couple. Who is?
I would have my funks. But I knew I could always talk to you. You were selfish. I didn't ask much. And whilst it would have been nice for you to do as much as I did for you, I know you did it other ways.
I loved you. Unconditionally. I didn't care about the things you got so paranoid about. Your hair, height, glasses, whether you had money etc I didn't care. I loved everything. The silent times on the couch? Because I was comfortable. We could talk about everything (I thought) and nothing but we could have those moments when we could sit and do nothing. I loved little moments playing on the couch. Cuddling. Kissing. Other stuff. Watching you play videogames or doodling while you read or worked out guitar stuff.
I could never sleep alone. I still can't very well.
Talking everyday. Whether through whatsapp, in person etc. You I trusted so much. Your opinion I valued. Coming to yours was a highlight for me. Though we didn't live together like you suggested I always felt like I was coming home.
I loved your friends and family as my own.
I loved our days out. Our lazy Sunday's in. Getting dressed up for dinner thinking you looked so handsome and that I felt beautiful.
This is only a small fraction of it.
Everything. Big and small I loved.
All I ever wanted was that. To get our place one day with the workshops. To be happy and loved.
And you threw that away. I still don't understand how one falls out of love. After all that time. I still haven't. Which is why this is still so fucking hard. That while I still love you after everything you done, you fell out of love a long time ago. I feel sick thinking that you've probably already slept with someone else. That I am just the pathetic woman left behind. Torn about everything.
And you want a friendship with "no emotional baggage?"
Do you know how that sounds? And yes. You did admit it in the last email that you realised you sounded selfish.
I'm sick of words. I am sick of being the one in pain all the time, wondering why the hell I wasn't good enough. Why you bubbled shit up whenever you took these notions. I am sick of being the one that fought for EVERYTHING.
I am sick of being afraid that whatever I write will either mean you won't talk to me again (because "you think it's best") or will make me think we could ever be friends. Causing me more pain.
It's sad as well. I sometimes wondered if you would ever apologise. I imagined you turning up in Preston to talk in person. That you would make the effort and do the fighting for once. But that is a foolish lovesick girls thinking.
But that's what I have to deal with. Because I wasn't the one that fell out of love.
you chose to still say what you needed to, just not to him. great instinct, i'm glad you listened to it. it's your need to say it that's important, not his need to hear it, although i can't imagine he's hearing much with his head crammed up his ass like that, but you never know.
how do i know he's got his head up his ass without knowing anything about the either of you or your relationship? because he's messing with you. and, i probably have some boundary issues. but still, he's messing with you. and that's never cool.
i don't get the "fell out of love" thing either. to me that means 'i love you but like a sister, and for some reason i incorrectly think 'fell out of love' is less mean', 'i never loved you in the first place', or 'i found someone else i want to have sex with but i'll call you if it doesn't work out. ' it's sort of a lame, cop out-y thing, which from what you're describing seems pretty consistent with the rest of his behavior.
you want him to stand up for you, you want him to fight for you, you want him to value this relationship like you do so much that you carry it all and do the fighting and standing up for both of you. and then you stop. and then you see this. and then he says something asinine like 'can we hang out but just as friends?' you don't sound like you are 12. are you 12? is he 12? that is the only circumstance in which this question is acceptable, so i want to be clear. if he's older than 12 the very fact that he asks this question reveals that he is not getting it on the same level you are, and he probably never did. you were good enough for both of you, so he went ahead and let you do it.
ech, lame. but for you this is good news.
first, you know you can carry a relationship all alone, but you shouldn't. it's good to have in your back pocket, like being strong enough to carry someone over your shoulder down a ladder out of a burning building, but it's not like you should leave the house like that every day. keep this strength a secret, or you'll be having lazy fat guys wanting to be rescued all the time.
second, you can stop feeling rejected and unloved. a guy revealing his lameness is not rejecting you. a guy admitting he doesn't have your emotional depth and is, indeed 12, is not about you being unlovable. that is you, half asleep, leaning the ladder against the house again, a knee jerk reaction every time you smell burning toaster oven pizza cheese. he's not showing up and apologizing because that's who he is, and it sucks because that's not who you told yourself he was, so feel it and grieve it and move past it but STOP feeling not worth the effort because he's not making it. he's 12! he probably wants to stay friends so you'll buy him beer for the prom!
third, he did you a favor being so absolutely clear about his lame colors, thank him buy using it like a gift card to get yourself a strong man who WILL fight and WILL feel the way you do and WILL be strong whether you are forcing him to be or not. those guys are out there and amazon is having sales like crazy.
keep writing. the best part is that soon you'll feel better, and he'll still be lame. and that won't be your problem anymore. how great is that?
Vernacular we most certainly are not 12. I yell at 12 year olds that talk this way! haha
I am 26 and he is 28 now. I have a few posts here including the actual break up story.
Thank you for your kind words. My thought process shifts regularly from thinking positivley, being sad, wondering what if blah blah.
And I know that even when he moves back to the uk in April, unless I went up to him or organised everything he wouldn't do it. Hell I am surprised he emailed in the first place.
In my first post, I explain how he was my first love. The first guy I let in. I am in no way perfect. But I always tried.
As for the beer and prom, I never had a prom! lol I know some people would think it weird that I am so open about things like this. But honesty is a majorly important thing to me. I will always be honest and say what I am feeling.
But anyway. Thank you so much for your thoughts. If you want to know more f the story check it out
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/17912929-betrayed-and-after-all-these/lastpage
here's one thing i'm sure you'll disagree with, but you guys are both very, very, very, VERY young. very. very young. and sometimes when you find love so early it's like those perfect jeans that you hold onto as long as you can but eventually, they just don't fit right anymore. and maybe he's an immature idiot, or maybe he's trying to be manipulative, or maybe he knows the chances of 2 people growing at the same rate in the same direction so early in the game are a million to one.
maybe there is no reason except that you got a little older, a little different, and enough out of sync that it doesn't feel right, but he keeps throwing random reasons at you as an explanation that it sounds like he wished he had. it's not cool to keep going away and coming back, but maybe he just wants to try the jeans on in front of a different mirror to see if he can wear them again. stupid yes, because, and i'm sorry if you don't like this but it's true, he is stupid. because he's 28. you're both stupid. your 20's are a nightmare of bad decisions and public indiscretions. (if you're anything like me your 30's aren't going to be much better.) that's why first love is brutal, and it's best to get it out of the way when you're young and can rebound. like the chicken pox.
and honestly, if i met 26 year old you somewhere you told me you were going to marry this guy, your first everything, i would not be able to give you the coveted vernacular thumbs up.
life, and more particularly your love life, is a long all you can eat buffet. i would NEVER recommend leaving before you've tried everything, including the soups. don't forget the soups! relationships are a way of learning about yourself and seeing the world.get up there and get another helping. you just did 5 years on a love soloflex and you've got some knowledge under your belt, which is what a first love is for. practice.
and first does not necessarily mean best. but you won't know until you have a few more to compare it to, so take a plate.
I know what you mean. I do think that being so young I don't have much to say. I wondered if I was being an emotional wimp throughout this. My mood and way of thinking changes so quickly. I'll be fine and then just randomly feel sad etc.
I do still miss the guy. He was my first love, the guy I trusted and spoke to everyday. whereas he had another relationship before me. I always felt great when people told me I was better than she was. But he was friends with her and I am too.
This whole thing has just messed me up. I'm scared of the idea of being stuck this way or being afraid to move on.
The what ifs?!?
But I know I can't. I am not contacting him. Like I did before.
Guess we'll just have to see what happens.
I often joke that one day (if I want it) I shall look to the distance and see a tall, muscular bearded man holding a pizza in one hand and a french bulldog in the other.
Also...his shirt is moving?...OH! It is because he is using his manly,manly body to warm kittens.
And he shall look at me and say "J. I know what you have been through. Love me as you do and I shall do so in return. Also, we shall cuddle on the couch, eat pizza while watching cartoons and films and play with the dog and kittens"
And I'll be like "...well that would be lovely."
I don't think I'm asking too much eh?
you won't be stuck in this place for long, processing this relationship and getting every drop of knowledge-y goodness out of it pulls you closer to the kitten warming pizza man every minute.
Now that last comment in Alec Baldwin's voice is amazing!!
To be fair though, I went over it again in Grover's voice. Still amazing.
I'll just need to deal. We'll see what the hell happens if he does wind up contacting again or if I never hear from him.
Either way, I'm not making any effort. I fought hard enough
I know what I need to do. Drawing comics and writing helps. And it is as you say fireserpent. When I replied to him the first time I said how much I was hurting. I said he felt nowhere near as bad as I did and more (as I said above check out the other post and you'll see the story)
I won't be any less than I was. Why would I go from living in a super happy bubble to then choose to stand outside and watch.
Nah.
I know I will have odd days. That sometimes I will feel fine, maybe even optimistic. Others I will be gutted, alone and depressed. And some, naive. Wondering what I would do if he ever turned up in person. If he realised he was wrong and ever even thought about being the one to make an effort. (lame, I know)
Again. Just trying to deal.
Making a pitiful attempt at being a grown up. Sure, the independence and ability to eat ice cream for dinner is good, but the rest of the stuff blows!! heh
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3695373/photos-videos/0
Just because haha! :P