Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Im not sure how to handle a particular situation and suppose I am looking for a little bit of insight.
I always say..If you dont like something, change it. If you cant change it, change your attitude.
And I cant seem to change my attitude or perspective on this one.
So..here is my trigger.
I married and divorced a violent man who is an alcoholic. It took me several years to let go of our sham of a marriage, and then another 4 years after I left to heal myself. There was a substantial amount of trauma and pain that I had to process, let go of, accept, and come to grips with.
There was one incident of violence in particular while I was 6 months pregnant with my son that haunted me for years. This act was committed in our home, and THANK GOD my best friend was there when he did this because I know for a fact that my son and i would not be here today.
Anyways.. I dont say all of that to sound victim-ish. Its part of the story and Im a survivor. BUT I flashed back to this incident a few months ago and cant seem to shake it.
My SISTER had some kind of meltdown over. candles...yes.. candles at her home while I was there and completely freaked out on me. Throwing punches, screaming like a looney..etc. A 43 yr old woman acting like a child. She didnt even do this to me when we were kids and she is 5 yrs older than I am.
I was in shock. I froze. I flashed back to the incident with my husband.
This happened in March. I still cant seem to come to grips with her. I want nothing to do with her. Is this really wrong?
NO ONE in my family is divorced. And because I am...it has earned me "loser" status with them. While she was throwing her fit she had to be sure to scream all of the same things of what she thought of me, just like my ex. And then she brought HIM up.
Oh....and its all my fault that Im a single parent..so I better not ever ask any of them to help with watching my son if I needed it.
Im done with it. Im done with them.
Is this wrong? I feel that this is setting boundaries for myself...they see it as otherwise.
anyone experience this..or thoughts? Am I not seeing things clearly?
I always say..If you dont like something, change it. If you cant change it, change your attitude.
And I cant seem to change my attitude or perspective on this one.
So..here is my trigger.
I married and divorced a violent man who is an alcoholic. It took me several years to let go of our sham of a marriage, and then another 4 years after I left to heal myself. There was a substantial amount of trauma and pain that I had to process, let go of, accept, and come to grips with.
There was one incident of violence in particular while I was 6 months pregnant with my son that haunted me for years. This act was committed in our home, and THANK GOD my best friend was there when he did this because I know for a fact that my son and i would not be here today.
Anyways.. I dont say all of that to sound victim-ish. Its part of the story and Im a survivor. BUT I flashed back to this incident a few months ago and cant seem to shake it.
My SISTER had some kind of meltdown over. candles...yes.. candles at her home while I was there and completely freaked out on me. Throwing punches, screaming like a looney..etc. A 43 yr old woman acting like a child. She didnt even do this to me when we were kids and she is 5 yrs older than I am.
I was in shock. I froze. I flashed back to the incident with my husband.
This happened in March. I still cant seem to come to grips with her. I want nothing to do with her. Is this really wrong?
NO ONE in my family is divorced. And because I am...it has earned me "loser" status with them. While she was throwing her fit she had to be sure to scream all of the same things of what she thought of me, just like my ex. And then she brought HIM up.
Oh....and its all my fault that Im a single parent..so I better not ever ask any of them to help with watching my son if I needed it.
Im done with it. Im done with them.
Is this wrong? I feel that this is setting boundaries for myself...they see it as otherwise.
anyone experience this..or thoughts? Am I not seeing things clearly?
But the people who were, I walked away from.
And it was easy, and I haven't doubted my decisions about it at all.
Having said that though, family is a whole other ballgame.
So I completely understand all the emotional intensity behind what you're describing.
I don't know what to tell you except this. In any group, members keep themselves stuck in certain roles and behaviours. When one changes, it creates a lot of discomfort, but, everyone else in the system has to change too to adapt. Sometimes that creates something disastrous, and sometimes, it changes everything for everyone for the better.
You know which I'm wishing for you and your little prince.
((hugs))
socially, you might want to add a small group of friends who you don't have to have barriers up with. people who readily understand and validate you, your feelings, and your worth as you are right this minute. the more time that you spend with and that you get what you need from these friends, the easier it will be to be around toxic family members.
Part of me feel like that because I want nothing to do with her at this point that I am running.
Is it running..or is it a boundary? Thats what I cant decide.
And I dont want to run from things...I want to take them head on.
And a huge part of me says that I just want to be around healthy, positive people. Ive had enough of the dark stuff to last a few lifetimes now.
Running is when you're called on to take difficult action to rectify things.
Boundary is when you value your own safety and peace enough to know who and what to keep away from you.
You and I know this from our past relationships, some people understand action more than words, and silent action, removing yourself, sends a very clear message.
Your sister is the one who is called on to rectify things. if she doesn't, she's the one running.
And the shock? we know this right? the unspoken contract is people who genuinely love us and care about us don't purposely and venomously injure us. That they do throws the social contract, the familial contract into a spin.
Plus, if you have any CPTSD, well, it triggers your nervous system into a spin.
You have a good heart.
that should read
"Running is when you're called on to take difficult action to rectify things, and you walk away instead. "
I AM in a good place and dont feel fragile.
Im healthier than I have probably ever been. Ive worked like crazy for 5 years now to heal and leave the trauma from my ex husband behind. It isnt stuffed, or stowed away, or forgotten. It is healed. Im at peace with him and the relationship. I even thank him (in my mind and heart) for all of the lessons, albeit difficult, to me.
But my sister??.....this is different...and shocking.