ya, me too

I was missing him, a whole lot yesterday and today. This comes over me every couple of months, doesn't last long.

This time I realize, it's him, the person, with all the lovable qualities I miss (not the a**hole part of him), but I also really felt an ache "to love".

And for me, that's yet another small sign the ice is thawing, and ever so slowly I'm getting closer to doing anything about being open for a new relationship.

In the meantime though, besides the good things i means, it doesn't feel so nice.

So I'm teary on and off when I'm alone.....



like now.

I think she drained all my tears with the first two breakups.

I have a strong urge to contact her now, but I haven't since the first week after the breakup. She didn't reply then and also unfriended and blocked me on Facebook, so I dout she would respond now.

Besides, I do have a rather lengthy list of the negative aspects of the relationship. I just have to keep remininding myself of them. As much as I do still feel for her, I also realize there was a toxic aspect to the relationship that was probably not going to go away.

I think it's like Faithful was saying yesterday, triggers come for a long time, at any time, and they never feel very good...but they do feel different as time goes by.

In the beginning they're very hard, like being hit in the gut with a bat.

I haven't had those kind in awhile. Mine feels like a cool wind behind my eyes, and a dull ache in my chest.

But they never last...that's the good part.

After the first two breakups, everything that reminded me of her was bagged/boxed up and stored. Had to. Any direct reminder was too excruciating.

This time it's just pictures and cards that have been put out of sight and mind. I deleted all emails and text messages too. Her past expressions of affection can still stir up strong feelings.

On the other hand I've got a real nice blue plush snuggly blanket she got me for Christmas that I love and still use if I lay on the couch. I also have no problem wearing the clothes and cologne she gave me.

when do the triggers not make you feel "like you've been hit in the gut w/ a bat", to quote joyride? because it's been 2 months for me and i still feel that way. i want hope that soon the triggers won't hurt so bad anymore. next sunday is my ex's bday and i'm already anxious at how sad i'm gonna be...

I've been dating a guy for about 5+ months and it's been a roller coaster of break-ups and getting back together for the past 2-3. I've always had the hope that things would change, he said he'd be better and we both said we'd try to communicate better.

Each time we broke up, I had such a severe reaction. First time, nearly hysterical crying. Second time and third times, also big crying sessions which left me with puffy eyes for the following two days. Now though, when we broke up the last time, I packed up all his things and unfriended him on facebook, deleted pictures, took down reminders... And finally the current break up (we broke up last night), I just got back from dropping off his stuff at his house while he was at work. It was an adrenaline rush to drop off his things at his house, I was dreading it all day and as soon as I got inside I wanted to get out and never come back to his place. Then as I sat waiting for the bus, I was thinking about how the roads near his house will never feel the same for me, the buses going to his work will always be special. I had to blink back tears.

The last time we broke up, I didn't cry as much as the earlier times. But then I was watching some romantic comedy and the couple laid down together on the couch and he put his arm over her and they held hands. We used to do that, and seeing that made me start crying really a lot. I had to stop the movie and do something completely different just so I could calm down.

It's gotten to the point where I know it's better to not be with him, but the reminders of him will make it so difficult for me to move on. I worked really hard to spend lots of time with him, and now to have this void in my life will be difficult when I'm alone.

Waiting for the bus after dropping off his stuff, my whole body kind of started hurting and my throat got sore. I feel like I'm crashing, literally. It's sad, not to have someone to give a back rub anymore.

I hope that with time the reminders will fade or at least I'll have new memories with friends to replace the ones with him. I'm thankful that at least I didn't stay with him longer than I did. It's hard though, to admit my work was a waste, that I was a bad judge of character and the guy I loved doesn't deserve it.

I know how you feel Mary. June 17th is my xgf's birthday. I don't think I'm overly anxious about it (at least not yet), but it is on my mind. I really enjoyed doing things with and for her and giving her things on special occassions. Christmas, Valentine's Day, every monthly anniverserary of our first date, etc...

Her boys will be with their father that weekend, and I had planned to book a luxury suite at the local Indian casino and fill it with 47 (she'll be 47) various Happy Birthday and I Love You balloons. The package would have included a romantic candlight dinner at one of the resteraunts, breakfast in bed and a 50 minute spa treatment for two.

Now I'm just debating if I should even send a simple Happy Birthday text. I really, really want to but I'm leaning against it because if one thing's for sure it's the intensity of the relationship. Either she's really pissed at me (for reasons I just can't fathom) or she's really hurt (again for reasons I just can't fathom).

As I go through all my stuff while preparing to move out of our house, I *know* I'm going to find a lot of things that will trigger the heartache. I just hope that I can get through the sorting/packing relatively quickly--like ripping off a BandAid.

Some things I just had to get rid of right away--e.g., the fortune slip that read "Your love life will be happy and harmonious". What a crock! (But it used to make me smile--seeing it there in the corner of my monitor--because it was happy and harmonious... until it wasn't.)

You can't get stuck in the triggers. Meaning don't stop and ponder. Don't hurt yourself like that. That's living in pain of the past. Press on keep pressing. There is hope in the future a bigger brighter tomorrow. Find comfort in that. There is not comfort in bad triggers. Choose life not death. Time to grieve and a time to live free. It's a choice how and when. There are a few reminders around here that I cannot remove. I've trained myself that when I see them, I see someone and something better is await for me.

I just happen to get a mail that had his name on it, it caught me off guard nw i feel like a train has jst run me over..

in my opinion, although triggers hurt like hell and flash so often that it is sometimes hard to function especially in the beginning stage of a breakup; i think that they are signs that we did a whole lot of right things.

triggers trigger neuro pathways that were formed as we bonded with our mate. slowly, over time, we really did morph from individual identities to coupled identities. to do that, behind the scenes, neuro pathoways were created in each of us that reinforced that union. strangely, even people who profess to "love but not be in love" still form them. these neuro pathways are signs that we are adults fully capable of bonding with someone. that in and of itself is a very good thing.

unfortunately, the union didn't go the distance. it deepened only so far and was abruptly severed, usually by the partner who was not as bonded as the other was.

so, the next time you feel a trigger hit, pat yourself on the back for being very human with a heart that is fully capable of uniting well with another. but, maybe the next time we will use better discretion as to who we allow ourselves to bond with because breakups hurt like hell as those neuro pathways slowly untangle and dissipate.