Before you go out, do a few minutes of breathing exercises. Sit down, take a deep breath through your nose, hold it for 30-60 seconds, then release through your mouth. Repeat this as many times as it takes for you to feel calm(ish). Then go. Be as quick and concise as you can be. Pretend you're at work talking to a customer, or your boss. Be businesslike, emotionless. Get your point across. Tell him what your next move is, and what you expect of him. Done. Don't engage in an argument, if one starts, walk away saying you've said what you had to, you want him to have time to digest the information calmly and you two can talk more tomorrow. If he tends toward violence, I truly believe that you should have your phone in your pocket recording the conversation. Can a friend or neighbor be nearby? Knowing you have someone on standby for support may help.

When you get back inside, breathe again, find something mindless to do, call a friend. You will be ok. You CAN do this! I'm rooting for you and a better life ahead for 3cuties and their momma!

Thank you Jojo! I truly believe that we can be amazing coparents and very good friends when this is all said and done, but I fear his temper will make it impossible for him to see that.

I know he's going to be furious... but really... the writing has been on the wall for months. I'm hoping that he feels the same way I do and that we've both just been too afraid to say it.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Well so much for that. He came in, sat in his chair and fell asleep before I could even get the kids to bed. As usual. I'm just going to write him a letter and leave for work in the morning. That way he has time to calm down before I get home.

Do you know how hard it is to live with someone who is always either outside or asleep? This is part of the reason I'm leaving.

It was the most difficult thing I've ever done as well. It took a long time for me to screw up the courage to finally say it, "I want a divorce". I spent so much time driving myself crazy, second guessing my choice. It was SUCH a relief to finally do it. He didn't believe I would follow through with actually getting a lawyer and filing the complaint, but that was his mistake. I didn't plan my telling him as you are doing. It was in my mind for years, coming closer and closer to the surface. When I said it, we weren't fighting or anything, it was just my total frustration with his lack of communication that kind of lead me to saying it at that particular moment. I was shaking afterwards for awhile. Let us know how it goes.

Jojo, that's exactly how it is for me. I've known for years that I wanted to leave. In this last year, I've just gotten so tired of it all. I'm exhausted. You know all of it... being the only one working for years, our house bring a disaster, not having basic essentials in a home.

As I type this, I have 6 bags of laundry in the hallway, waiting to be loaded up to the laundromat. Another $125 and 4 hours later, they'll be done. He might help me fold them... maybe... but they won't get put away because I have to work and he'll be sleeping all day (while he's supposed to be watching our 3 year old son). I've got a brand new washer and a perfectly good dryer that's been sitting in my laundry room for over 4 years. He's never bothered to hook them up.

We've been eating off paper plates, drinking from plastic cups and eating with plastic utensils for 4 years. I can't even wash my dishes (and haven't for 4 years) because he's never replaced the broken water heater in our house.

About 6 months ago, he installed a small water heater (intended for campers) under one of the bathrooms. So 3.5 years after we moved in, I finally got hot water in ONE room of house. The kicker? It literally only gives about 2 gallons of hot water before it runs cold. It takes me 2 hours to fill my bathtub up enough to bathe our children.

And this is just one of the many MANY reasons why I have to leave. So why, WHY can't I just effing say it?!

I guess what I'm trying to say (in response to your comment) is... tonight he woke up briefly for about 20 mins. He was half awake and I knew if I brought it up then it would piss him off for trying to talk to him when he's that tired but... it was on the tip of my tongue. I just wanted to say "I'm not happy anymore and I'm leaving." And I just couldn't bring myself to say it! Aaaaaa! I know I'll feel SO MUCH better when I do. I know I'll be SO MUCH happier without him. God, I just wish I could fast forward and be at my new house with my kids and being happy.

I made a mistake, in trying to manage stbx's response to the pending divorce news. He's ultra non-confrontational, passive to an unhealthy degree. Passive to your face, but aggressive behind your back. Anyway, I see him as emotionally immature and unstable, so I tried to soften the blow. That cost me a ton of time and money. Nothing I did could ever "help" him, he's beyond help. He's now 'fighting' the divorce by delaying it. I truly think he will try to delay it for another year and a half until our youngest graduates and heads off to college. You husband is not a 'regular' guy, so if you're trying to do as I did, be prepared for it backfiring. I hope not, but it could happen. You're likely to have a high-conflict divorce. So much fun, I can tell you!! But you have a strong foundation of knowing what you need and deserve, so you will perseve through it.

I can completely relate to what you are saying. I am attempting to get everything in order so that I can kick my husband out for good. Knowing a lot about how I react to him is starting to help me understand better what it is I am going to have to do to get the strength to leave him. He is extremely manipulative and knows exactly how to talk to convince me that things are all in my head. Everything is about him. Like for instance, he started a job yesterday for the first time in just about 14 months. I have worked 2 jobs straight through to keep afloat. So I left a list of things that needed to be done once he was done work(washing dishes and sweeping the floor, cleaning the 2 bathrooms which I had over 1/2 done already and then having our kids clean their rooms). He had just about 4 hours to do this along with fry the hamburger for tacos. I come home after work to the dishes done and floor swept and the bedrooms partly done. According to him I gave him too much to do and he gives up fighting with the kids to do anything because they just don't do it.....and neither does he!

I think once you hit your final breaking point you'll know and then it is not going to matter how he reacts to the news. Good luck, I understand how difficult it is

Did you do it yet?

No. I didn't go into work today and he slept all... day... long. He's still asleep. I'm going to tape the letter to the remote so when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he can read it. Then tomorrow I'm going to start taking my stuff to my new house. Please pray it goes smoothly. I just can't wait any longer. I've got to get the hell out of here. I can't be miserable another day.

I did it. I just taped the note to his chair. He always wakes up in the middle of the night. God, I pray he doesn't flip out.

I'm OK. I did it. He reacted completely different than what I expected. He burst through the bedroom door crying and begging me to stay. I held him and told him I was sorry but I can't do it anymore. He started to bait me into a fight and for a second, I did. Then I realized it and immediately told him I'm not going to fight.

It ended with him asking me to stay and me saying no. Then he said "and I have no say in this?" I didn't answer him so he got up and left the bedroom, slamming the door so hard, it nearly broke the trim.

Now I'm up and he's asleep in the chair again. Yeah... he'll do anything, he'll change... when he wakes up from his 3 day slumber.

Thank you for checking on me. It's not over yet but I feel better now that I told him.

(((HUGS))) hang in there. Glad you are okay and you are past this step.

Well you can do what my wife of 36 years did and left me a note on a Thursday and did not see her again until that sunday, I was pissed the first couple of days but then I started thinking about it and it was just like you said, we had not spoken to each other in weeks and the sex was not the same not as intimate. I am just getting over it but now at least we are both speaking to each other I don't know what is going to happen but at least im calm about it.

Good for you 3cuties! Try and get some rest. I'd say put something mindnumbing on the tv, but stbx is likely in front of the tv. Right now I'm listening to relaxing sleep music on youtube, it helps when my mind is going 90 mph.

Don't let his sad sack "I have no say in this?" statement sway you. It's evident that he had years of chances. Stay strong!