Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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To soon?

shantellew
shantellew
This is my plea for advice or your past experiences.

Short version, married by soul mate (first real boyfriend) 14 years ago. After many tears and 3 separations we are again separated. He wanting more time alone "to find himself". We love each other dearly but he wants nothing but a occasional text right now. Its been 3 months this time. Every other time, I've just waited for him to come around and get back together. But this time my brother moved in with me, and going through a break up himself talked me into joining a dating site. Now my husband already said that dating other people was fine, he doesn't want to , but can understand if I need to. Okay, point of the story is, I joined the site late last night, and OMG the responses are overwhelming. I've had 3 guys texting me all day. I was so afraid no man would ever even look at me twice, so I guess its good for my ego, but my friends tell me that any relationship even casual ones stop any forward progress in growing or finding yourself (god, I'm getting sooo tired of that damn phrase).

Anyway, question is do you think casual dating (movies, dinner etc) will imped forward progress? BTW, I can't get my husband to tell me if he is working for us to get back together or not. He said its to early to press him on it.... I'm in limbo as before....Thanks ahead of time!
deleted_user
deleted_user
yes. i do think it will imped forward progress. if this is your 4th seperation now, why not move forward with the divorce and then test the waters with dating? i just dont believe in dating while you are still married. go one way or the other - full force into reconciliation or full force into divorce. there is no being married halfway.

what is the danger of getting the divorce and being alone with who you are for awhile? seems too rushed to me. but what do i know? im on a divorce support board- i dont know how to have a decent relationship. best of luck.
shantellew
shantellew
I guess the truth is I don't want to divorce, I want him, but different, LOL. But he asked that we not make that decision for 6 months. I guess all in all, I've been alone for a year if you count all the separations. I childishly think if he sees me going out and making a life, I will seem more desirable again. I'm not ready to be in love with anyone else, but I'm tired of being alone and feeling abandoned. I know I sound immature :( I just don't know what else to do!
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful
Dating early in the separartion/divorce process is a bad idea and WILL lead to bad outcomes.

You have to grieve, mourne, take a hard look at yourself.

I can imagine how difficult it is right now in limbo.

If you are looking for companionship, find other means-volunteer, church groups, take a class etc.

Good luck to you. Take care of yourself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I recently read in a very relevant magazine that it is very possible to have (and lose) more than one soul mate. So, I don't think, after reading how many times you two have parted ways, that it's written in the stars for you two.
I would casually date, not get too involved and just generally have a nice time. Don't lose anymore sleep over your husband. You cannot waste the rest of your life for him to find himself. Sounds to me that he has lost himself for quite some time now.
Looking back is a lost and futile fantasy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
ask him to go to therapy with you to work on relationship. tell him you need to know that it can't go on like this. it is too early to start dating ~ and those guys from those dating sites are there mainly to get sex and then dump you. don't date yet ~ your not even broken up completely.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree. All the advice from books and therapists say that there should be a time after significant love relationships and especially marriage to not date. They recommend 6 months to a year citing that post break-up or post-divorce relationships tend to be rebound and can be very dysfunctional because we aren't very healthy during that time frame. We will also attract unhealthy individuals. We are encouraged to take the time to grieve the end of the previous relationship spending time alone, and with our closest friends for support and healing.
deleted_user
deleted_user
oh, yes, forgot to add - I am living this nightmare now. When I asked my therapist how I could possibly have ended up in a 2.5 yr relationship with someone cruel and abusive (polar opposite from my norm), the stated that I was in the middle of and had not finished grieving a very deep loss - my previous relationship. I jumped right in to this one to relieve the pain in my chest from previous ending. I had huge blind spots for the red flags he was waving from day one.... all because, I jumped in too soon.
shantellew
shantellew
:( you guys are all right. I'm using everything possible to keep me from thinking to much. Staying way to busy. Texting, calling and generally doing anything I can to keep from being with myself. Its hard when you realize that you panic at the thought of an afternoon alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I am not ready for love, I'm not even really up for dating, but I have done the alone thing before and frankly I'm not happy about doing it again. He is in a rebound relationship, can't part from eachother, yet he tells me he loves me, hugged me after court the other day, and asks me constantly if Im still dating (when he sees me to get our son I don't see him constantly) or he asks my sister in law whith whom Im still close to. So it's ok for him to fill the void but once I do he's going to be tickted. And Childishly I kind of want to do so just for that reason. Yep it's wrong, I don't really care at this point. I haven't started the divorce either. I know I should, everyone keeps yelling at me, but I think deep down I don't really want it. I want him to be the person I wish he could be. He comes from a family of 8 kids and he's the only one this messed up. There is a few of them w/issues w/drinking, but they don't destroy family's, relationships, friendships. I wanted him to fix himself for our family, but I have to face reality, hopefully soon I will. Good luck to you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I meant he asks if I am dating not still dating! lol. and that would be with not whith.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just become seperated on my way to divorce, I also thought about male company probally for me to feel wanted ,but I decided its way to soon for me ,I need to be alone and heal I myself am just way to damaged.On the other hand you have been going through this for years back & forth and life is to short, I would also test the waters.