Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
15 years. That's how long it's taken me to get my life back. I've slowly lost myself because I always made his needs first. I don't remember a time when he just let me be myself or when he made me feel important. Seven years in we had a huge fight and he literally set me out of his house that we shared for seven years together. Mind you, I've no family in this state so I slept in the park that night. When the sun came up I found a hotel room which I stayed in for the next three nights. By the fourth day I had an apartment, but nothing else except my job. I slept on the floor no pillow, no blanket, not even a spoon but it was mine and I lived there and rebuilt my life over the next four years. At the two year mark he called me and since I had not moved on (I was very much still in love with him) of course I said I would give him a second chance. And I did. Four years ago Sept 30th we got married in our back yard. I'd waited 10 years for that damn ring and wish I never married him. See he didn't even bother to propose, or pick out my rings, or let me have a church wedding. Why the hell did I think this behavior was ok? I did everything to please him at my own expense. So sad that I thought so little of myself that I let these things happen. There's so much more. Drunken tirades, abusive language and behaviors too graphic to share. But he always seemed remorseful and sucked me back in. He's an ex Army Ranger, he's very attractive, tall, works out six days a week, charming as all hell, but has the social skills of a toad. He has one friend on this planet. He goes to work, the gym, eats, sleeps , and watches tv. I've begged for years for the smallest of things. Morning coffee, take a walk with me, sit and snuggle on the couch with me, go to a wedding, funeral...anything at all. But he never has gone to one wedding, party, or function with me unless it was with his own family. In 15 years he's met my mother three times and she came to my house to visit. The trip to my family home has always been just me.
It's been the most one sided relationship of all time I think. One month ago I filed for divorce. And I'm not moving until Aug 24th. You can imagine the strain of still living under one roof. It's been a nightmare. Today he tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and that he won't be okay without me. Is it me or shouldn't he have been listening to my needs all along.? Why on Earth did I have to leave him to get his attention? His heart is breaking and I can see it as well as feel it, but where was he when he set me out on the street? Why should I give him anymore chances? Haven't I gone above and beyond? I've been a very loving, devoted, wife and mother. His daughter was 1/2 When we got together and she will turn 16 this Dec. I took her in and raised her as my own. Anyone out there have any thoughts? It's killing me watching his pain, but he's been slowly killing me for years. I've been seeking counselling for the last 4 yrs and he's refused help for our marriage or for his severe depression and anxiety . Help...
time to move on and run before you miss the NewFuture Express,
Happy for you- You are almost there. Stay positive Hugs All the Best.
Plenty of people suffer and I would have given it a go anyway. Although he's depressed it's not a reason to mistreat others. He still knows right from wrong. And he's admitted recently that I've been very very good to him and I have. I've overlooked a lot in the name of love and in doing so I became a pleaser to his every need which is my flaw. I own my flaws and am seeking help.
And I want to second the notion that depression does not give one license to mistreat others. My husband of 16yrs has chronic depression and while there are times when in the depths of depression, he acts out with unkind words. But, when he is on the other side, he always lets me know how much he appreciates my support and how much he wished he depression didn't get in the way of his love and affection for me.
And even if you had known, the fact that he refuses to seek treatment indicates he is not concerned with you or how his "depression and anxiety" affects you.
I don't even think he is in pain, and if he feels hurt about any thing, it is most probably the fact that he is losing "the best thing that's ever happened to him and that he won't be okay without me". I don't think he so much will miss "you", but the things you do for him.
Take care of yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal. And before you embark on any future relationships, make sure you are not seeking respite in someone new because you are unable to find respite in yourself.
How is the 16 year old handling this situation? I'm sure she is grateful for the part that you have played in her life. Are you going to stay local where you are or move back closer to your family?
It is unfortunate that he is not willing to see a counselor both for himself and as a couple. Couples therapy a long with IC may have been able to help both of you through this.
Marriage is tough. It takes hard work. There is nothing worse then being alone when you are married.
Actions speak louder than words and now would be the time that he should step up and start taking the necessary steps to save the marriage if he is sincere.
He will always have a place in your heart as you have 15 years invested in the relationship. It does not go away over night. This is OK.
Just keep busy, take a dance class, take up a new hobby, read a good book and take all of the time you need to totally heal as you move forward with your life.
If he should begin to make changes in his life, and starts taking you serious and meeting more and more of your needs, it is also OK to start again. There is no shame in trying.
In your heart of hearts you know where you stand and only you can make the final decisions. You sound like you are a strong person and you have taken all the right steps in light of all of the various challenges. Stay Strong and take Care of yourself!
Unfortunately it took me signing a lease on an apartment for him to come around. He's still unwilling to seek councelling, but says he will change in other ways that I need him to. I've heard this line way too many times and while I believe that he believes he will I'm using past experience as my insight here. He's much too angry and depressed to do this on his own. He refuses to get any type of professional help along with me and that's a deal breaker this time. This is at least his fifth chance to make me valuable in his life. I'm tired and want to move forward. He's been saying that he will treat me better then as soon as he's feeling pain he starts to degrade me and talk down to me. I feel I shouldn't have to grovel any longer to be loved. That in itself has been demeaning and painful.
I will be staying local for our daughter as well as our three beloved dogs. Obviously we will be sharing custody of them!
Thank you so much for the kind words. Chin up!
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers this week!
Wishing you all of the best and there is a great life ahead of you!