I may not be the right person to give advice on this, but, I do have some insight. After 14 years of marriage, and after both me and my ex-wife both had affairs, we divorced, we both were very bitter. And it was the hardest thing to do was to forgive, on both sides. And I carried that bitterness over into another relationship. One weekend, I told myself, "let it go, you cant change what, happened, you can only have an impact on the future" and it was a choice I made. And I came home, called my ex- and told her, "Im sorry, and I forgive you, and Im letting everything go." She did the same, and we are the best divorced parents you would ever have met. We actually like each other. Although, I cant imagine knowing she was with the man she had the affair with. That has to be tough, its a constant reminder. But in the end, its a choice.

And after writing this, I need to take my own advice. In my current situation. regardless, it will be hard, but making the choice is a first step.

Not sure this helped at all, but wanted to share, take care.

thank you... I appreciate your insight... most days I am ok... just catch myself dwelling and spiralling into a pity party... and hope to one day find the strength to just say "no more, I forgive you, And I accept your choice"... we co-parent well and on the surface appear to be well adjusted...its just an internal struggle for me.

I totally get it, every now and again, I catch myself dwelling on things, and remembering, but hopefully you can find someone to love you and maybe make that transition much easier. It does help. Im on day one of starting over, again, said my goodbyes this morning actually. So, I know what Im in for, and I know it wont be easy, but I do know its possible.

14 months and I still think about her every day. Not bitter anymore, but I still feel hurt. Songs on the radio still make me cry.

good on you for not carrying bitterness...it's such an awful feeling... so out of character for me... and because it's been so long, I feel like people expect me to be "over it"... so I keep this unhealed part of myself hidden...quite a burden... I'm sorry you're still hurting.

This might be the most ineffective response- but, I get it.
I'm tired as well, of being angry, bitter, hateful etc.
I am reminded of a song lyric that's played over and over for me. -
"I don't want to hate, but that's all you've left me with..."
I don't want the bitterness, but have not been able to put the pieces together enough to make anything right.
I'm sad to say that my co-parenting experience has failed miserably because of it.
I read and hear "just get over it" so much I've grown weary of even that though. If it were so easy wouldn't have happened already??
I don't want to be bitter either but don't we the way out.

sevens...thank you for sharing...if nothing else atleast we can offer eachother some understanding

Sevens and Clearskye, I relate. My ex (married 25 years) is happily married to the ow for 7 years now and I have had two less than desirable relationships which I tried to make work so I wouldn't be alone. The pain of knowing he's happy when I'm not is real. Although, I've tried to use the "let it go" idea and get on with my life. Who knows if he's happy or not. He is married and I'm not. I try to remember that those things which happen and don't kill us, makes us stronger. The internal struggle is strong. Hugs to both of you. One day at a time!

Well I just said this to someone else so I can practically just paste it all here, but I'll edit it a bit. ;)

To start, let me just say, I sympathize. What you are feeling is OK. All the stuff people in our society say to justify these things and make them OK are damaging to those who naturally feel betrayed when they have been betrayed. It is perfectly healthy for you to not be OK with what he did.

Having said that, knowing that you face a lot of issue. You need the peace of healing, I recommend EMDR therapy. It made such a difference to me that after four years I actually graduated from therapy.

That was before my husband dumped me and took up with someone else. Now I can see clearly that, in our particular case, we were both emotionally unhealthy in the early and middle years of our marriage and after I got far enough along in my healing journey he did not like that and had no intention of changing himself. Somehow I am getting through the divorce process with just some chatting with my old therapist and mostly with lots of prayer and real coping and processing which I would have never been capable of without the previous counseling that I went through for over four years. Its still a hurtful and ugly time in life to be going through. But I'm so grateful that I'm finding ways to process it.

Someone else sharing their experience with EMDR therapy techniques and that began my healing. Now I'm just passing on the idea for what it may be worth to others.