Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm alone. Absolutely alone and tired of being strong. If it wasn't for the sake of my daughters, I'd probably have taken my bicycle, my tent and just gone off - far far away.
My now ex-wife left 4 months ago. We were together for five years and have two (absolutely wonderful) daughters together who stay with me most of the time.
My ex-wife had a horrible childhood. Her mother was seriously psychologically ill, and abused my ex-wife in most ways possible. My ex-wife eventually ended up at an orphanage. Every time she would get close to someone they left. Rape, violence, substance abuse - she experienced it all and it probably would have gone quite badly were it not for the parents of one of her best friends taking her in.
My ex-wife is beautiful. She is intelligent, talented and amazing. Before I met her I always ran away whenever someone was interested in me and so she is the first and only one I've ever been with. I fell in love at once and not much later we discovered she was pregnant. Once she decided she wanted to keep the baby I proposed and she said yes.
To the world we were the perfect couple. We ran political campaigns together, supported each other in voluntary work and absolutely loved Harry Potter to the degree of our second daughter being named after Luna Lovegood from the books. We never failed in anything we did.
But my wife has demons. From the start she was afraid her mother would show up and ruin her life. She was afraid of becoming her mother, of failing and of not deserving me. I supported her and she got better. I helped her through her education and gradually I became less involved in things, saw my friends less and focused my efforts on my daughters, my wife and working to support us while she studied.
My wife easily became stressed and when she was stressed she lashed out at me verbally and emotionally. I would take on her assignments, take care of the girls and chores, all while also working myself, so she could de-stress and things would go back to being good. My wife to getting better, to understanding I'd never leave her and she wasn't like her mother.
Until one day they didn't. She became more and more distant, more and more aggressive and even though I helped her, even though I did everything for her, she'd slip further away. She started partying more. Drinking more while partying. If I asked her to help me she might try for a few hours, a day, but then lash out at me. I got hit by a car resulting in a whip-lash and concussion, ordered by the doctor not to do anything for a week and after two days she exploded. Said "If you can't do anything, what use are you to me?" and informed me she wanted to leave me.
I persuaded her that we had to try, we promised each other to try, for the children if nothing else, but she kept partying. Began running, walking and I took care of everything even when I was diagnosed with stress.
I knew she was having an affair and even with whom from the start. I'm good at reading people and I felt it. But I tried pushing it aside. Began having anxiety attacks and stopped working.
When she became pregnant she had sex with me and, from her point of view, let me believe I was the father although I knew it was impossible.
After talking to her doctor she finally told me the truth. She said one of the reasons she had had the affair was because she alway felt inferior to me, and she knew she was better than the archetypical loser she was having the affair with. And hadn't believed we could make it work which is why she wouldn't try. But now she wanted to try, to really try. The one demand I had was that she never see the other guy again, that she joined me at a couples' councellor's and that I was the child's father.
Even though she a month later decided on a provoked abortion, things were going well. We had some good months. Until one day she slammed the doors and told me she wanted a divorce because she couldn't do this anymore.
And that was that.
I was lucky and got offered a job with a good enough pay to persuade the bank to let me buy her out of the house, and have enough free time to be able to take care of the girls on my own. I had been running a lot, doing manual labour throughout summer and got a clean bill of health in regards to anxiety and stress.
But now, four months later, and I'm tired like hell. I feel spent. I feel used. I feel as though I've given a part of myself away, and there is just this aching hole left behind.
And it just gets worse because I see how badly my ex-wife is faring. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and they suspect psychopatic personality traits as well (which very much is not full blown psychopathy, but still).
She needs help, she is extremely lonely and blames herself for everything. She contacts me 2 - 7 times a day. I'm afraid she might kill herself and know she planned to a few months ago but decided not to. She lost the one thing she always dreamed of - a family, someone she knew always would be there for here, someone who gladly spent 2 hours massaging her so she could fall asleep or comforting her if she woke from bad dreams. And she has hinted a good few times that she wants to get back together.
But I can't spend more energy on her. I'm drained and only slowly building my reserves back up again. Some days I just run for 3 hours straight, way up into the mountains, just to get some peace of mind. When she has the girls every second weekend (more like every fourth)... I just feel completely lost without their hugs, without reading to them, singing, kissing them good night, checking in on them before I go to sleep. I listen to music, I work, I relax, I run - but all the time I feel as though I'm about to cry, remembering the youngest hugging me, not wanting to le go, saying "Home, dad, home" as I leave their mother's place, and the older one crying "I want to go home to my own bed, daddy, can't I go home?".
I feel as though the mask is about to crack. At work my students say I'm the cool guy, chill, all-knowing, they guy they chat and laugh with, but as soon as I'm cycling home my face goes dead and I'm exhausted... and I just really want to hug someone. But it is all empty. All I hear is the wind, all I see is the snow outside. The darkness. And I don't know what to do.
My mother is too ill to help and will be for at least another 9 months. I'd rather my father never is alone with my daughters. My youngest sister tries to help, but she needs to focus on her education. And while my friends are wonderful - I'm a man. And as a man, men don't hug. Be it male friends or my female friends.
And anyway, I don't suppose that really is what I want. I want someone to love me the same way I loved her. And I want to feel as though I have a future again. All the plans, all the dreams of what we would do together... all gone.
You were in a no win situation and need to understand that what happened was not your fault. Your heart was clearly in the right place and you were just trying to help her. Unfortunately, when we assume responsibility for another person's life, we enable them to make poor choices cause they know we will always be there to pick up the pieces for them. You got so caught up trying to fix her brokenness, you didn't stop to ask yourself if that was actually your responsibility.
Your ex has had a lifetime of problems that she never successfully dealt with. From what you describe, she is still hell bent on running from them. It was inevitable that they would all catch up with her one day. She was always going to self-destruct. You being there, smoothing things over and picking up the pieces just delayed the inevitable. People who were raised in dysfunctional situations are never satisfied with normal lives. Compared to what they're used to, regular life is simply too bland and boring. That's why she craved the substances, engaged in cheating and her life was filled with drama. Whether she thinks that she wants that or not, it's what she feels comfortable with.
Back to you. After having someone else's issues weighing you down for so long and fighting a battle week after week, month after month, that was impossible to win from the very beginning, I'm not surprised that you feel you are the hallowed out husk of a man you once were. This is exactly what happens when you continually drain your cup at the expense of helping another person, while they are unwilling and/or unable to fill yours in return. It might not feel like it, but this is a temporary situation.
You can fill your cup in any number of ways. I would urge you to engage in some serious self care. Figure out that one healthy thing that makes you feel better. I can tell that running must help you on some level. You might be running too much though. I'd try going on a nature hike, spend a couple of hours sitting beside a lazy river, watching the water flow by or some other kind of low key activity like taking a yoga class. Counterbalance that with action oriented activities to burn off your anger and frustration. Running, taking up boxing or weight lifting at your local gym come to mind. Chose activities that call to you as a person and if you don't find an immediate fit, try several until you find something you really enjoy.
Maybe consider talking to a counselor yourself, just to help you recover from this traumatic situation.
I also want to point out that some of us have caring, compassionate personalities and are drawn to people who have issues. We feel we can love them all better, be their strength, or shelter during the storm. We believe ourselves capable of helping them understand whatever is confusing them, never suspecting that we aren't qualified to deal that level of malignancy. I suggest you reassess why you guarded yourself and only let in the person waving a thousand red flags. Work with a therapist on this piece. You will want some time to recover, but eventually you'll feel the call to date. Right now you probably thinking you'll never trust a woman again. You just need to figure out how what qualities to avoid in the future.
I'm certain there is someone out there who would consider it an honor to share your life and help you raise your little ones. Don't close the door totally quite yet.
I still wish I could help her, she says she still sees me as her best friend, that she misses me, but it hurts to observe and hear how she is doing. I've gone with her to a doctor to get help, make sure she sees her counselor and listen when I feel I have the energy. She is still the mother of my daughters. I've tried to be cold, to shut off those emotions, but I feel really bad when I do so.
Even so - some things do help, as you say. I might be overdoing the running a bit, but it helps me clear my head. I invested in a nice setup for listening to music, and took on teaching two new groups (one consisting of my sisters + bf, one all female group of friends) playing Dungeons and Dragons, in addition to playing in my old (all male) group, which is a lot of fun and a good way to make sure I don't shut myself off. I'd like to do some more physical activity, and relax more in nature, but it is a bit difficult when I'm alone with the girls.
And yes. You are right that I need to consider why I ended up with just her, when relatively many women were interested in me. It probably is as you say - I need to feel needed. And comforting someone crying, helping people smile, guiding them towards realising just how strong and incredible they are, well, it can be tough but it makes me feel as though there is a point to my existence.
itsgottogetbetter, it can be extremely hard being the sole caretaker of children. If they or I have a bad day, I'm often too tired to even sleep after they have gone to bed, but still need to clean up in the kitchen, wash clothes, wash myself and prepare work... but I think things are getting better with regards to the children. For me it has really helped to have an extremely structured day and lots, and lots of hugs and "I love yous". I pick them up at 15:30. Give them a bit to eat to make sure their blood sugar isn't too low once home. Food is ready at 17:30, and whether it is warm food or just bread depends on how tired I am. We are in their room reading and singing at 18:30, to then say good night at 18:50. They always know what to expect and tend to try and help. Especially the youngest often reminds me "sleep, dad" or "iiiiiii" (which means that I should brush her teeth). If I'm too exhausted I sometimes just gather them in their room, close the door and go for a nap while they play - often results in me waking from them jumping on top of me or having covered me in toys, but that is sort of funny. I've also given up on having a tidy home. Not. Possible.
But finding little things which make it just that easier, a new coping mechanism, a new way to avoid a tantrum... it helps. And it does also help to know one isn't alone :-)
And you are also quite right in regards to the children. I'm really, really glad that I'm not totally alone. A smile from them or a hug and I'm happy. There are very few things I wouldn't do for them. But taking care of them, the worrying about the future... I can't quite imagine how it must be like with 3 teenage boys, and I'm lucky in that neither of my girls seem to have special needs. Even with a 2 and a 4 year old, both of whom still think I as there dad am infallible, it requires time, energy and a high tolerance of things not going according to plan or the preferred decibel level of noise.
And energy is not something I have a lot of. The hole in my heart and the children are separate issues, as you say, but both require energy. And sometimes it is impossible not to feel the sadness and gaping wound even when with the children.
Even more, the girls are also sad. They've lost their mother. She is supposed to have them 4 out of 14 days, but we cut it down to 3 out of 14 due to her being depressed, and often she can't have them due to travelling, work or feeling too low on energy. So it is more like 3 - 4 days a month. The youngest one still asks if her mother will be home when I pick them up, while the oldest one clams up most times her mother is mentioned. The few times she does want to talk with me about her, she says she misses her mother, that she doesn't have the energy to "live in two places", that she really feels sorry for me and that she believes her mother left us because of her. And it is no matter how often or how I try to explain to her, that it isn't her fault - she still believes it is her fault. Always has me crying after they have gone to bed after one of those conversations.
But there are also some good signs. The first two months the oldest began wetting her bed, but hasn't done so for two months now, and the youngest had nightmares which also have stopped. And about two weeks ago the oldest one suddenly demanded of me "Dad! I want to have six siblings! It'd be really fun and then I'd always have someone to play with!". When I got down to explaining that "No, we can't buy them, I'd need to find a new partner and they'd be really small to begin with and unable to do anything...", the reply simply was "No problem, dad! We'll just feed them a lot so they'll grow big and look here, I'll go get my hair brush and make sure your hair is pretty, then you go out right now and find a new wife who can come live with us, ok?"
That conversation had me laughing for a good while :-)
But really, thanks, it helps a lot to be able to talk more honestly, and with someone in a rather similar situation. And likewise feel free to contact me whenever :-)
"You'll be in THOSE clothes today? Well, then I can't say your clothes are pretty today."
Also - she contacts me a few times a day when she has the girls and sends pictures. If she doesn't I contact her just to make sure she isn't getting too exhausted.
Perhaps strangely enough we still have a cordial relationship, and she does ask me to pick up the girls when she feels like she can't handle it, or tells me before she is supposed to pick them up, knowing that it isn't something I'll use against her.
In my earlier response, maybe I didn’t word it the way I meant it... just because I have my 3 children doesn’t lessen the pain of losing my marriage. It seems that other people who haven’t had this experience seem to think that one negates the other. It doesn’t at least for me.
I really hope the books help you! Let me know!
They do give me something to focus on. They do make me feel less alone. And they do keep me grounded (for instance with the "brutal honesty" :-) ), give me a reason to continue and make me believe in a future. They give me hope, which makes the pain more bearable, but it doesn't decrease it. Only time and me sorting through my feelings can decrease it, I suppose.
And I shall do so. Shipping normally takes 7 - 10 days (I live in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, about 700 km from the closest big city), so it'll probably be some time till I actually get to read it.
Your children sound wonderful. Sometimes I wonder if I would be less sick if I had kids...I know that being alone and having no one to care for is not good for people. We're not built for it. But that's my issue :). But kind of yours too, cause I think what you need to find is a balance. You took care (and are still taking care of to some degree) your wife for years. You give everything to your kids. Somehow you have to fill yourself back up. I don't know how. I'll just give you my brother as an example. He is totally exhausted (he's married and they are doing ok). He has a very intense job where he has to be on call very often. He has the care of the kids a lot (not that his wife doesn't also, but they live in a rural area and the kids are young and need a lot of looking after and driving around to lessons etc), and he's got a big log house that always seems to need fixing of some thing or other. Anyway, on top of this he plays hockey once a week and goes to a jam session once a week and is trying to start up a music co-op. He knows he's stretched himself too thin but the things that would be the easiest to give up (i.e. the hockey and the music jams and the co-op) are also the things that fill him up and motivate him. So he refuses to give them up. He sacrifices sleep, housework etc. to give himself that time. He and his wife seem to do that for each other (she has her stuff too). I think that is great. I also think he's going to burn himself out and something's gonna give eventually lol. But I think that is a very healthy attitude for him. He's not forgetting himself.
Good luck and take care. I hope you find some adult hugs. There are therapists who cuddle for a living lol. BTW, I sympathize with the lack of human contact. Due to my illness I hadn't had any form of intimacy for 6 years. I almost cried when I went to physio therapy for my back as it was so intense to have someone's hands on me. I know now that I cannot do that to myself again. Even if I end up losing my current bf (and it looks like I will), I will have to make myself go out there (tinder whatever) because human contact is very, very important.
I think you spend too much time in your head tbh. This isn't something you can solve intellectually. You are emotionally starved. That's not academic. You can't rationalise your way through that.
they say abused children grow up sociopathic and I think it's because they learn survival techniques. Morality comes from empathy, which evolves as a toddler/small child. Comes from love, caring for someone else (mummy usually) and that kind of worship we give our parents when small. No worship. No basis for morality.
So she had her childhood and adolescence in the safety of your life, with you being the rearing she never had, as she recovered fromher false start. And then she began to become herself, and want to assert herself, and wanted boyfriends &c. And off she's gone.
You as caring pseudofather are unable to let go. If you saw her as an equal you could. but you are locked in superman zone. And what's more, you're 100% altruistic.
You have no self either. She had no self to start, but hers has blossomed and been asserted. But where is yours? You're still just a caregiver. Just a facilitator of other people's lives.
What's your life? Where are you?
No wonder you need a hug. You've starved yourself emotionally nearly to death.
Go out. Meet a girl. Have a fling or two. Maybe it's time for your adolescence.
I know she loved me and probably still does - at least to the degree she is capable of loving. And yes, especially the last 6 months were absolutely horrible and the way she periodically turned off her feelings and only focused on herself when stressed (which thanks to her ADHD was often) wasn't exactly a walk on roses.
But we made two wonderful daughters. We had some really good times, she taught me a lot and I've never worked as well with anyone as with her.
Even so I lost myself and I can't blame her for that part. That's all on me, and now I need to rebuild, which admittedly is going better and quicker than I expected, but still a long road. I have also made a Tinder profile, though not activated it yet. Mainly because I've been waiting for a few weeks to see if it is something I really want to do now, or it's more just because I feel lonely :-)
Your brother sounds like a lucky man. I'm really looking forwards to once the youngest is just a bit older, and I might have a partner to share things with. So many little projects I'm hoping to get to work on, and some big ones. Will take up making my own candy from scratch now though. Just waiting for the last equipment to arrive before I start experimenting :-D
And the Harry Potter books are awesome! I was so excited once I got children that I had already read the first two books for the oldest one when she was 1 year old. Hearing my voice always calmed her when she was sick, so it was either books or ancient ballads in my native language. But that way I can read them again in a few years' time without her remembering I've read them before :-D
bridgie101, you are right in some regards, less so in others.
I think waaaaay too much. I've always done that. My main problem in secondary school was that I'd read all of the books in the school library. That's also why I run so much and listen to music all the time - when I do that, I don't think but rather feel.
I'd like to do that more - hang out with friends, party a bit, enjoy a good whisky or wine, but unfortunately my options are limited with me being the sole caretaker of my daughters. Most evenings I have to stay at home.
I did enter a bit of a father role in regards to my ex-wife, but that was more towards the end and especially in regards to chores, the children and keeping appointments. Typical development in a relationship in which one partner has ADHD and is undiagnosed, and probably hastened the eventual divorce.
I am over my ex-wife though. I don't want to get back together, I don't miss her per say except for sometimes when we are in the same room. I miss being with "someone" and haven't gotten over the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.
My sense of self is rather strong as well. I know who I am, what I want and how to get what I want. I know my weaknesses and strengths. I tried going to a counselor after the divorce and was lucky to get a really good one. But after two sessions she told me straight out that she thought I didn't need sessions and should save the money.
My ex-wife on the other hand doesn't know who she is or what she wants. All she knows at the moment is that she screwed up, and that she thinks she is a horrible person, who can't offer anyone anything.
My main problems are the lack of energy, that I really miss being with someone, that I'm emotionally exhausted and that although I don't want to "be with" my ex-wife, I still love her. I love her in another way than before, but I suspect I always will love her in some way. And therefore it is difficult for me to see how much she is hurting.
Going out and meeting a girl or two is good advice though. And I will slowly start doing stuff like that at the latest on January 1st 2018 :-)