Welcome, Bax. Funny how that can't unlearn what you have learned can be a game changer.

I feel your pain ! After the miscarage of our second child my Ex-wife changed. She was later diagnosed Bi-Polar and Borderline and with here attitude and the amount of screaming and abuse she put me through daily I had , had enough of it. When she started abusing perscription meds and had finacially broke us 3 times I asked for a divorce. It was very apparent that she wasent goign to change her behavior so i had to get away from her.

You stay strong and stick to your guns on this. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE deserves to be abused!

I had a miscarriage.

Sorry, not a miscarriage. I had to terminate the pregnancy. It was a tubal pregnancy.
I sense that it was a girl. I named her Cameron. Planted a tree in her memory.

I'm afraid it sounds like you were way overdue for the separation. If she is not respecting you and being abusive, as well as trying to turn people against you, then she isn't someone a good person would want to be associated with.

Be strong. It hurts immensely but your life will eventually be almost blissfully happy and you will look back and wish you would have been out of the marriage sooner.

Hi Bax - I'm sorry to see you here and yet nice to see a familiar face. I finally made my first post here today as well. It's all so overwhelming and was hoping to get some advice and help to navigate through this process. The Abuse boards were and continue to be a huge help for me. And I've already received so much support, encouragement and great advice over here today.

".... Cannot unlearn...." That statement truly resonates with me and has dramatically changed the course of my life too.

Sending you strength through this next leg of your journey. You're not alone :)
Hugs,

Welcome, Bax,
I feel things will be so much better for you and your kids when you can get this behind you. The way she has been treating you in front of the kids is not acceptable.
You will provide a sane, peaceful place the kids can go to get away from her craziness.
I'm sure she will make things as hard as she possibly can, but you will come out on the other side.
Just keep thinking of the bright future you will have without an abusive wife. It will all be worth it in the end.

was there some issue between you two (before or just after the child was born) ? or her view on you just changed "without any reason" ?
Its hard to take in how someone just suddenly disresect someone (given that they respected them before) and become abusive without a reason... unless some psychological problem ?..
I did heard some sensitive woman fall into depression after they give birth as during the pregancy (baby in the womb) baby "numbs" the mother's stress receptiveness (hence feeling less stressed during pregancy) but when baby comes out the numbness disappears and that "sudden changes" (greater the effect on sensitive woman) makes them fall into depression and bit sucidal etc.. after giving birth.

You should not only examine her behaviour towards you, but also examine "your behaviour" towards her as well. try think about things that you may have overlooked when you shouldnt have, your unconscious action/words towards her that may have resulted in her acting in bitter negative way.

when you said.... "I will have time to come to my senses and change my mind, and things can go back to the way they were."
Is this your assumption or is this what she told you as a reason?

also you should NOT waited and endured for 9 years making it even harder to make any changes as things gets settled in like a "habit" if you leave them for long period of time.

It wasn't a quick turnaround, and I recognize that I played my part in creating the marriage I had. Had I spoken up, been more alert, less passive, things would have looked very differently. However, her poor behavior was not always in response to me, and it frequently crossed lines of acceptable choices. Letting that go unaddressed did much of the damage to my own psyche. No longer.

My D9 has cystic fibrosis, as well as a host of other conditions. She's very high functioning, but is definitely a challenge. My wife was/is the primary care person, with me being at work. My guess is the combination of high pressure/high stakes triggered some other issues she had with her own abusive childhood. Add in my own role of encouraging the children to take (reasonable) risks and stretch their boundaries, and quickly I'm not someone to be trusted with "her" children that she's got to protect at all costs.

More than once, I'd suggest discussing some change for the kids, for life in the house, only to find myself still entangled in an argument 6 hours later, only now trying to unwrap statements like "It scares me that you're so wrapped up in winning an argument that you don't care if the children are killed because of it. That's not the man I married, and the knowledge that you care so little for the kids makes me want to go get a knife and cut my wrists, because I'll never win or get you to change back to the caring man I love..."

I freely admit I've got my own mistakes and flaws. But I never did anything which merits that kind of reaction from a request to discuss potty training or high chairs. And I won't back away from my assertion that I won't tolerate being spoken to like that ever again. But of course, to her, I'm just being controlling and petty, living in the past, not being forgiving enough, and I shouldn't have stirred her into such a rage in the first place. And now, I also point out that talk like that is blaming talk, and reason enough for me to end a conversation.

It does make it a challenge to hold a conversation, though!

reading from your comment, she doesn't sound like a bad person. just maybe little bit of psychological problem ? extreme over protective of her/your childerens.. probably a combination of her own childhood truma & D9's health condition etc.. but i do think the nature (the bottom line) of this "Over-protectiveness" is coming from a "good intention" and nothing else which is probably the most important thing we need to take into account. Although anything too excessive/obsession is not only bad and suffercating for the person who is expressing such behaviour, it tends to suffercate others around them as well.
Also its likely that because you go out and work while she stays home and take care of childrens, its obvious that she think (or maybe she really does) she knows how to take care and handle her/your child's health problem more than you. so when you made some suggestion (about kids), she probably viewed your suggestions as "inconsiderate" (not empathic, Not putting yourself in kids shoes: which is possible as you are away from kids most of the time and when you do come home, you will probably be busy eating, washing and go to sleep for next day work etc...) But as for her, she is with them all the time, she will probably have "more connection" with the kids more than you have with them.
She may be "Over-reacting" about kids's health but maybe, you are "Under-reacting".
So maybe she is "over-estimating" the problem (too concerned) and you are "under-estimating" the problem. (too less concerned).
maybe you should help her out with kids by hiring a child carer who is experiences with your's kids illness so that your partner can have some break of her own, free from worry and concern even for a little bit.
and/or, you should (with your partner) go see the kids's doctor (who knows kid's health problem well and an expert in the field). since you and your partner seems to be struggling with different point of view on how to take care of the kids, maybe the kid's doctor can give you & your partner a "common ground" where both of you can agree on and accept. Maybe the beliefs you are holding onto or your partner is holding onto is not right for the kids (especialy taking into consideration her/your kids needs special health attention). so by bring in the experts who knows the illness may/can give both of you some new perspective on how to handle the issue. (perspective that is highly likely correct and safe/healthy for the kids)

I know my children extremely well. I have always been stalwart with her meds and treatments, encouraging my wife to keep them up when she needed it. I have said more than once, now, that I know what mistakes I have made. I have confessed to them, apologized for them, and done what I could to make amends. When I say she was abusive, I do not use the term lightly. She insists that she has no faults left to address, and when I communicate that I feel otherwise, I am attacked further.

Today, she took the children with her parents to start a three well vacation. Her fifth without me in five years. It was my line, and she crossed it. Hence, posting here. Now it's time for me to learn to be divorced.

Hi Bax,
There are quite a few of us who have been supporting you for quite a while. We know how hard you have been trying to get along with her and her abusiveness. We applaud you for your efforts and I agree, it is time for you to get a divorce, in fact it has been time for quite a while.
She will not change. You deserve to treated better.
You will have to pardon those who don't know your story.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I would definitely recommend you make two phone calls--one to an attorney who can help you understand your rights in a divorce, and the second to a good counselor who can help you with issues from the separation.

The counseling will help--it will help you understand why you put up with this behavior for so long, as well as help you deal with the stressors of being separated.

Sending hugs!

Thank you both.