Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Everyone out there on this site is struggling so much I wanted to give some resources that may give some insight or strength. Part of this letter was a response to a post another member put up whose husband had moved out to sleep around until he decided what he wanted. She is heart broken of course. Feel free to bash me on my opinions if you want but it's just what I feel or have experienced so don't take it personally. I included the websites for help within this post.
Read your post and wanted to say I understand how you feel. I was married for 20 years and my wife cheated on me and my girlfriend of 5 years told me 5 months ago she didnt want to be in a relationship. I believe she left me to pursue other interests and the sad fact is that when they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship what the really mean it that they don't want to be with you. Always seems kind of curious when the other party claims that they dont want to be in a relationship and then a week later they are seeing someone else.
I don't know your situation but it sounds like you are being taken for a ride and he has all the power. Why would he come back when he is having a great time and also knows that you are waiting for him. I know it's hard to hear but you may have to accept it.
The best thing you could do is stop caring for him so much, completely ignore him except for issues with the kids and move on with your life. With all the pain I have been in with the loss of my wife and girlfriend there is one common thread I have learned. People want what they can't have. It is attractive to a partner when you are available but not easy to catch. I am not saying you need to be mean but only give what you are getting. I am not saying you need to be selfish or narcissistic in a relationship but if you are not equally yoked than their will be an imbalance of power. Put another way, if you are not getting than why keep giving. If you are being ignored or cheated on why do they deserve your attention or respect. This is coming from experience and also from a man's standpoint.
Look at the Taylor Swift song Blank Spaces.
"Boys only want love if it's torture.
Dont say I didn't say I didn't warn you. "
And those lines lines are coming from a girl. Forgive me. I like Country music. Don't quote this as being gospel but I have been tortured and the red flags were there and I kept jumping back into the fire.
Check out these websites. It may help. Look at the articles on Dating and Relationships. The articles: Where are your values and Fuck Yes or No are very good. The site is markmanson.net. Also esteemology.com is very good. Look at the list of articles and some of them may apply. Lots of articles dealing with narcissists, cheating, self esteem and self worth.
One other is psychopathfree.com. Great article about why it takes so long to recover from a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath versus a regular person. Not saying this applies to everyone but these may be tendencies you weren't aware of or didn't understand that your partner had. Borderline personalities, narcissists, or sociopaths are very good at hiding their disorders. Sometimes they don't even know what they are or don't really care.
Hang in there. I can't say it gets better because it hasn't for me. Well, maybe a little. I truly adored my exgirlfriend and put her on a pedestal Unfortunately I am dealing with having to change myself also. I realize nice guys finish last and i am tired of being the nice guy. Tired of being faithful, kind,considerate, devoted, loving and truly adoring to my mate and then having her leave me to go screw another guy that doesn't want her or will never love her like i did. i don't like to lose and I am tired of losing when it really matters. You can't control people but you can control yourself. No one out there deserves this!!!
Read your post and wanted to say I understand how you feel. I was married for 20 years and my wife cheated on me and my girlfriend of 5 years told me 5 months ago she didnt want to be in a relationship. I believe she left me to pursue other interests and the sad fact is that when they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship what the really mean it that they don't want to be with you. Always seems kind of curious when the other party claims that they dont want to be in a relationship and then a week later they are seeing someone else.
I don't know your situation but it sounds like you are being taken for a ride and he has all the power. Why would he come back when he is having a great time and also knows that you are waiting for him. I know it's hard to hear but you may have to accept it.
The best thing you could do is stop caring for him so much, completely ignore him except for issues with the kids and move on with your life. With all the pain I have been in with the loss of my wife and girlfriend there is one common thread I have learned. People want what they can't have. It is attractive to a partner when you are available but not easy to catch. I am not saying you need to be mean but only give what you are getting. I am not saying you need to be selfish or narcissistic in a relationship but if you are not equally yoked than their will be an imbalance of power. Put another way, if you are not getting than why keep giving. If you are being ignored or cheated on why do they deserve your attention or respect. This is coming from experience and also from a man's standpoint.
Look at the Taylor Swift song Blank Spaces.
"Boys only want love if it's torture.
Dont say I didn't say I didn't warn you. "
And those lines lines are coming from a girl. Forgive me. I like Country music. Don't quote this as being gospel but I have been tortured and the red flags were there and I kept jumping back into the fire.
Check out these websites. It may help. Look at the articles on Dating and Relationships. The articles: Where are your values and Fuck Yes or No are very good. The site is markmanson.net. Also esteemology.com is very good. Look at the list of articles and some of them may apply. Lots of articles dealing with narcissists, cheating, self esteem and self worth.
One other is psychopathfree.com. Great article about why it takes so long to recover from a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath versus a regular person. Not saying this applies to everyone but these may be tendencies you weren't aware of or didn't understand that your partner had. Borderline personalities, narcissists, or sociopaths are very good at hiding their disorders. Sometimes they don't even know what they are or don't really care.
Hang in there. I can't say it gets better because it hasn't for me. Well, maybe a little. I truly adored my exgirlfriend and put her on a pedestal Unfortunately I am dealing with having to change myself also. I realize nice guys finish last and i am tired of being the nice guy. Tired of being faithful, kind,considerate, devoted, loving and truly adoring to my mate and then having her leave me to go screw another guy that doesn't want her or will never love her like i did. i don't like to lose and I am tired of losing when it really matters. You can't control people but you can control yourself. No one out there deserves this!!!
I know what you mean about being the nice one. I'm such a loving, compassionate person that I really don't get how many others are just plain cruel to the people they once loved. I feel like "he who cares less, has more power" is true and if so then I'm going to have to change into an emotionally void person in order to ever receive the love I deserve. Seems hard to for people to continue loving each other equally over the years.
As far as being emotionally involved I think the only way to ever know what it feels like to truly love and be loved is to make yourself vulnerable. It comes with great risk of being hurt but if you don't make yourself available in that way you will never know how incredible true love is.
http://www.heartintelligencecoach.com/what-is-heart-intelligence/
"Noone should ever be giving 90% and the other 10%. But I think a lot of the times some men have trouble communicating what they need in a relationship and lose out because they fail to communicate their needs. A lot of men to me find it extremely hard to be vulnerable but do not understand it to be an attribute that is rare and comforting to see despite how guilty it may make those close to them feel. "
^ Very true. Good insights :)
Getting Past Your Breakup and
How to Fall Out of Love.
Thank you for your post. I find it helpful.
I don't know how people do it. It happens to people all the time and it's just an emotion (or lack thereof) that I cannot fathom.
Would be nice to be so empty, not feel the pain, but then I guess I wouldn't be human. Maybe it's what makes all of us on here special. :)