I've been with my wife, for.. about 15 years now, married for just 8, we met online through a friend, did the whole online dating thing, and when we finished college, we got married, and I moved from Canada to the USA.

We were happily married for a while, the last... 6 years I think, but, on Christmas, she told me that she had stopped loving me and that, we should probably divorce, I asked her if we could work on things, and try to repair our marriage, because I still loved her deeply, and for our Son (now 5), she agreed.

I thought we were going well, but, she started to put more energy into other relationships (we're poly, so it was all above board), and at one point I asked her "maybe we should do marriage counselling to help us work through things" and her response was "well what about Claudia and Corey? I don't have the energy to maintain 2 relationships"

I've never loved anyone as much as I love her, even still, with how badly this all hurts.

We're not adversarial, which is helpful since we'll have to pass our son back and forth now.

She used to get angry because I was tired a lot, and, she thought it was because I would stay up to watch TV or play a game, and be "disconnected" (she never stated it made her angry, or that she was feeling disconnected from at the time) but, unless I went to bed super early, I was always like that, I found out in February that I have a thyroid disease, and once I got on meds for it, I had energy, and wasn't "disconnected" all the time, which means, the issues that were bugging her for the last few years were related to that.

So now I'm stuck, in a country where I have no family other than hers (thankfully they're supportive to the situation, amazingly so), no in person friends, because I devoted myself to work, and coming home to spend time with her, and our son, my marriage has failed, i'm going to be forced to be a "part-time" dad because of seperate housing.

I'm so angry at myself for not picking up something was wrong with me 2 years ago and going to the doctors, maybe it'd have let me fix the cracks in my marriage, perhaps it's unreasonable to be angry at myself, and I fluctuate between calm understanding of the situation, that, life isn't fair and crap happens, to being borderline panic-attack at the knowledge this is happening to me, and the one fear I had all my life - having a great family, only to lose them - is now my reality.

I feel so tired from all this, mentally, physically, emotionally, and honestly, my little guy is the thing motivating me to get up every morning, and to try and be brave

I'm more terrified now than, when I had an asthma attack and nearly died 9 years ago