Lord have mercy on me, because this guy makes me feel like i'm crazy. Everytime there is a problem, we cant resolve it, he brings the past up everytime, then i follow suit then we just fight again, and we never resolve the real issue, i think because he doesnt want to, he wants it all his way and he wont bend, he blames me for all of this, i told him that and he brought up past stuff, saying that i once accused him of molesting his daughter, the fact is, he dumped me to be with a cousin, first cousin, his X-wife is his cousin also which they have 3 kids, and then he would sleep with his 9 year old daughter, since her mom left, like he replaced the wife with the daughter for bed companion, i would go in there sometimes and see them wrapped around each other, and the grown daughter would laugh and say it was cute and they were cold so they were all bundled up together. I am just not used to seeing this, and i have never seen it before so i asked him about it, and he got angry at me, and then i really wondered, because the little girl had mega emotional problems, and why would a guy in his mid 40's sleep with his daughter till she is 9, and the only reason he stopped is because i told him it is not right and he needs to give her the bed and she needs to not sleep with him because its not good emotionally for the girl and something is wrong for him doing that.i was thinking what the hell is he thinking. So then he retaliates me with my son see's me undress sometimes. Maybe thats wrong, but my son and i are open, my parents didnt make a big deal out of family dressing, or coming out of the shower, to me its different, and the only time my son see's me naked and he doesn't look by the way, is when he has to ask me something, and he is not trying to see my body, and he doesnt dress around me, he is very modest and private, but since he was a baby he has seen me because i have raised him alone, and i grew up with my parents not being ashamed of nakedness, but i dont sleep with my son, we hug, but we dont have any sexual things going on. His daughter would come up and put her hands up his shirt and rub his chest and belly and i feel that was inappropriate touch, and she thought it was ok because they touch a lot, they sleep like man and woman would, body to body, so many times i saw that and it grossed me out. the girl had bad behavior and i really did think something was up, and since he quit i see her behaving better, in fact she is almost pleasant. I think even he wasn't getting sexual, she would naturally have those feelings on occasion which is why i think its wrong of him to sleep with her like that. Its different if she slept with a sister, or her mom, but she was developing early, and the winter after he quit she got her period and i was thinking gee, if i didnt stop that would he still be sleeping with her now? She is very permiscuous, with boys, my son, and his friends dont like her around, one of his friends told me she emailed him saying she likes him and she knows he likes her, but he doesnt, and he told her i'm 5 years older than you and i dont like you, so forget it. the boys tell me what she does. she used to tease them a lot, and slap them and it was just not normal to me. i see her flirty with her boy cousins, she tries to act sexy and she is only going to be 11 next month. She already wants a boyfriend, my son is 13 and has never attempted to have a girlfriend, of course he thinks about girls and he likes one, but he is not ready to approach a girl at all. I have taught him appropriately, what is ok what is not. So i dont see him seeing me naked once in a while is sexual, but i do see it with the girl. i think its crazy actually, and his X wife, they are cousins, and she was 17 he was 27 and he got her prenant thats why they stayed together, he said he didnt love her. but i see his grown son is very slow intellectually, and his grown daughter is very imature and whines still which makes me think she is slow, and her son only had one testicle, and i think all that is from the incest. He did not like it when i told him how i feel about what he did, that i think it is very wrong, and i never expected him to do it again, but last summer he broke up with me to be with another cousin, and she was disgusting, and i couldnt believe that. i never thought i would go back with him, i had moved on, even had a boyfriend for a while, and he is mad that i was with someone else after what he did. I see him as very one sided, i dont feel i did anything wrong, i think he has done a lot of things very wrong, with his X, his other cousin, and his daughter, he claims he never did anything to his daughter, but i still say what was he thinking sleeping with his 9 year old daughter, she had never slept in her own bed, she never had her own room and she still doesnt, now he sleeps in his chair, and she sleeps on the couch bed next to him. She has never seperated normally from either parent, the mom still sleeps with her too. The mom is another story, this stuff, i dont know, he acts like i'm crazy for thinking things, but gee, what would anybody think? sometimes its hard to believe him. why so angry if you arent doint anything wrong? i dont get it. i dont think after all my talking to him that he molested his daughter, but i did see him let her do a lot of inappropriate touching over the years. My son and his friends see it too and they always come to me saying did you see what she did to her dad? nobody thinks its right. he trys to turn things towards me, and he gets so angry when i say its wrong, all of it is wrong, and i told him i cant lie and say i think its right. I feel crazy when he yells at me like i'm horrible. i have my problems, and for some reason i feel like i keep punishing myself with him, it makes me physically sick, i cant handle thiniking about the past things, and even the things i am supposed to put up wtih now. i know i should not be with him, but i keep going back for some reason. i need to love myself. i need help, i need support . thanks for listening to all this, i cant talk to anyone, my whole family and friends think i'm nuts for being with him, and my mom is very angry at me for going back, but i have to deal with my issues and get myself well, because i consider myself sick for doing it too. but they wont help me no one is there for me, then he comes back and i'm so lonely i go back again, because i dont want to be alone, i want a real relationship though, i dont want this, but i guess i dont feel i'm good enough. i just really do feel like i'm losing my mind sometimes. i love my son, he sees it all and he gets it, my friends all see it and get it, my family see's and gets it, and i keep screwing up with this guy who will never meet my needs and i dont even think he has half a brain. Usually i'm the one who gives in to what he wants. i should make some real demands this time, and he wont want to. I think right now i'm causing us to fight because i want him to be angry and go away, and not want me. I want to stop myself from doing this anymore, and making him angry makes him go away, and i think i do it, stir up his anger on purpose because when i see injustice done to me, and feel the hurt from it, i want to hurt him back. thats why i feel crazy, i dont want to go through the pain anymore. it would be nice if our good times would stay good, but his X and grown daughter dont want him to be with anyone, and i'm sick of them causing problems, and lashing out at me. since day one i have put up with it. he fixes it for a while, then they all try to ease back into the same junk, and i'm sick and tired. i'm going to take my xanax, and go to sleep tonight. and tomorrow i want to go somewhere, but i dont think we can. so maybe i'll just walk a long ways, and get away like that.
sorry for going on and on, i'm just letting it all out, it just flows on here like my thoughts, he brings the past up and then i think about all of this, i try to forget it, but its always going to be there. i want to be done, i want to be strong.