I am 42. I grew up in and out of foster care. Back and forth with a mentally messed up mother, no father. Just recently i came to the realization that i was sexually abused and humiliated by several family members including my mother. The whole time i grew up i ONLY ever wanted a family. I told myself constantly that i was going to be someone's hero, someone's rock, someone's knight in shining armor. THAT IS ALL I WANTED TO BECOME IN THIS LIFE. I graduated high school with very solid grades, a great athlete, and a good looking guy and went to college. I knew in my heart i had conquered and beaten my childhood. I was so very wrong. I was tortured by abandonment issues, rejection issues, racing thoughts, incredibly low self esteem, codependency, and an unhealthy understanding of sex and intamacy. I did not know. I did not know. I thought i was normal. I should have sought counseling immediately. In the 18 years before my current 6 year marriage, I attempted to make a normal life. The issues i listed complicated my first marriage and my relationships, but i tried desperately to truly care about the women in my life, respect the women in my life, to massage them, to show affection, to be a very devoted father, everything i could think of to be a great husband. In that time frame, because of sex less first marriage and my own issues i turned to pornography. I am now aware of the fact that i became addicted to pornography. I also struggled very very badly with self esteem. Because of my self esteem issues, i believed that no matter what i did i could not sexually satisfy to the women i was with. That horrible fear and the pornography addiction led to me fantasizing about the women i was with being with other men who could satisfy them much more than me. It was a monster that just got bigger and bigger and my self esteem just got tortured and beaten to death over and over. It even progressed to fantasys of me being humiated (like i was as a child) while my wife was satified by another man. OK....fast forward to my current marriage. I struggled stopping pornography over the last couple years, but i have fought the urges to the point now that i hate it and i wish i could rid the world of it. But IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. My fixation on my wife being with someone else and me being humiliated was shot down by my wife immediately, but the thoughts haunt me, chase me, and destroy me inside all the time. Before i stopped doing and saying things related to that IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. Lastly even though i thought i was being a good a loving husband with my words and very sincere sentiment, i have been on the couch or playing with the kids while my wife carried the daily function of our home. I tried. I really did. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted her approval. She was gone with school and volunteering 4 to 5 nights a week and i was with our 3 children. I took care of them. I really tried to do my part, but i did not do enough. Either way IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. A month ago she said she wanted a separation. In the last 30 days we have had days where she talks about separation OR we are very very sweetly holding hands and kissing and close and loving OR she talks about feeling like she never got to date enough OR she says she loves me but she will never get over the anger she has toward me OR she thinks God may show her a love for me through separation OR that she herself was messed up as a child and she knows as soon as she leaves, the first guy who seems strong and bats an eye at her, she will jump at him. NOW PLEASE KNOW...i have been in counseling for 30 days. I have committed to facing my childhood demons. I HATE PORNOGRAPHY! I have reached toward God and i am at peace in His embrace. I have decided that for the rest of my life i will serve God and God's people. I have decided that i will never be too tired around the house. I decided that i will work to clean and care for my home and family from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. My wife does see a profound change in me. She suspects that this will be the new me. But she doesn't know if will last. She still carries hatred for me. She does not let me kiss her or hold her hand or touch her and she is getting ready to leave. I don't know...maybe she isn't even attracted to me anymore. I am in so much unimaginble pain. I truly truly love her. I love so many things about her. I would do anything for her heart to love me again. I am in so much pain. She is still in our home and seeing her and not being able to reach for her just tears me into a million broken pieces. I love her sooooooooooiooioooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!! I need friends. I need support and i will support anyone who needs it. I just downloaded Whatsapp, i just need to learn how to use it. My number is 910-465-7848. Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!