Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am 42. I grew up in and out of foster care. Back and forth with a mentally messed up mother, no father. Just recently i came to the realization that i was sexually abused and humiliated by several family members including my mother. The whole time i grew up i ONLY ever wanted a family. I told myself constantly that i was going to be someone's hero, someone's rock, someone's knight in shining armor. THAT IS ALL I WANTED TO BECOME IN THIS LIFE. I graduated high school with very solid grades, a great athlete, and a good looking guy and went to college. I knew in my heart i had conquered and beaten my childhood. I was so very wrong. I was tortured by abandonment issues, rejection issues, racing thoughts, incredibly low self esteem, codependency, and an unhealthy understanding of sex and intamacy. I did not know. I did not know. I thought i was normal. I should have sought counseling immediately. In the 18 years before my current 6 year marriage, I attempted to make a normal life. The issues i listed complicated my first marriage and my relationships, but i tried desperately to truly care about the women in my life, respect the women in my life, to massage them, to show affection, to be a very devoted father, everything i could think of to be a great husband. In that time frame, because of sex less first marriage and my own issues i turned to pornography. I am now aware of the fact that i became addicted to pornography. I also struggled very very badly with self esteem. Because of my self esteem issues, i believed that no matter what i did i could not sexually satisfy to the women i was with. That horrible fear and the pornography addiction led to me fantasizing about the women i was with being with other men who could satisfy them much more than me. It was a monster that just got bigger and bigger and my self esteem just got tortured and beaten to death over and over. It even progressed to fantasys of me being humiated (like i was as a child) while my wife was satified by another man. OK....fast forward to my current marriage. I struggled stopping pornography over the last couple years, but i have fought the urges to the point now that i hate it and i wish i could rid the world of it. But IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. My fixation on my wife being with someone else and me being humiliated was shot down by my wife immediately, but the thoughts haunt me, chase me, and destroy me inside all the time. Before i stopped doing and saying things related to that IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. Lastly even though i thought i was being a good a loving husband with my words and very sincere sentiment, i have been on the couch or playing with the kids while my wife carried the daily function of our home. I tried. I really did. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted her approval. She was gone with school and volunteering 4 to 5 nights a week and i was with our 3 children. I took care of them. I really tried to do my part, but i did not do enough. Either way IT HURT MY WIFE AND SHE HAS BITTERNESS OVER IT. A month ago she said she wanted a separation. In the last 30 days we have had days where she talks about separation OR we are very very sweetly holding hands and kissing and close and loving OR she talks about feeling like she never got to date enough OR she says she loves me but she will never get over the anger she has toward me OR she thinks God may show her a love for me through separation OR that she herself was messed up as a child and she knows as soon as she leaves, the first guy who seems strong and bats an eye at her, she will jump at him. NOW PLEASE KNOW...i have been in counseling for 30 days. I have committed to facing my childhood demons. I HATE PORNOGRAPHY! I have reached toward God and i am at peace in His embrace. I have decided that for the rest of my life i will serve God and God's people. I have decided that i will never be too tired around the house. I decided that i will work to clean and care for my home and family from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. My wife does see a profound change in me. She suspects that this will be the new me. But she doesn't know if will last. She still carries hatred for me. She does not let me kiss her or hold her hand or touch her and she is getting ready to leave. I don't know...maybe she isn't even attracted to me anymore. I am in so much unimaginble pain. I truly truly love her. I love so many things about her. I would do anything for her heart to love me again. I am in so much pain. She is still in our home and seeing her and not being able to reach for her just tears me into a million broken pieces. I love her sooooooooooiooioooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!! I need friends. I need support and i will support anyone who needs it. I just downloaded Whatsapp, i just need to learn how to use it. My number is 910-465-7848. Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!
About the wife. What rang in my ears the most about what you said is that she mentioned not dating enough. That right there is your ticket.... Ask her out on a date. Like ANY other guy would. You are a good looking well kept guy? Who else can sweep her off her feet than a new better you?
Plan a night out without asking her.... plan it all like you would if you were asking the most beautiful actress in hollywood out. She is out of your league and right now so is your wife feeling the way she does. So you have to pull out all the stops.
Romance is the key.
Then at last minute put her at ease and tell her "Amanda (made up name) I want to ask you out on a date tonight. No strings attached, just two old friends enjoying a night out. Only rule is we don't talk about our situation. We just enjoy the moment"
If she doesn"t agree then don't push it. Accept the rejection and try again another day.
If she accepts then go out and smile and laugh and be the perfect gentleman. Treat her like a queen. Then come home and kiss her good night like any other first date. It is not time for sex..... tell her you enjoyed it and want to do it again soon.
Buddy it works. Then after that surprise her. With flowers at her job. With having ALL the house work done, with bathing the kids, doing homework, etc..... give her time to cool down and for that she needs actual rest and time.
If you do go out make sure you don't talk about how YOU feel and of she talks about her feelings even if it is negative, don't stop her or interrupt her. Let her let it out and accept the words.... once she is done acknowledge her feelings and ask her if she is enjoying herself in this restaurant or wherever you take her. Then keep the subject on the present moment and slowly brighten it. Make the conversation a brighter one again and laugh with her. Make her laugh and forget your troubles for that one night.
She seems to want to be swept off her feet again. She needs a break from all the drama and problems. She needs a STRONG man. And you need to be it for her.
You seem like a strong guy so I know you can do it
Do it for YOU first.... and also for her and the children. They deserve the best version of you.
I can tell you from my perspective of being the wife in this situation that it will not be an easy road to take. It will be riddled with missteps and detours but if you truly love her and your family really is your priority, I think you will find your way back to her. If not though,, since relationships are unpredictable, at least know that you will have these new tools and insights to carry with you along the rest of your journey.
I think it may be too late for my husband and I, but there is still hope for you two.
Hugs