Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi guys. I've been on here before wondering if my relationship is worth saving. I'm back. I really don't think my husband sees any problems. He knows I'm depressed, it's an issue I've had a long time, even before I met him. I've told him I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. We haven't had sex in over 4 years, since before we got married and we never have been intimate the whole marriage. Different reasons....he says I'm sad and mopey all the time and its hard to get turned on when I'm like that. Fair enough. His first excuse was he could no longer get an erection, but then I would catch him jerking off to porn. A few years ago he developed genital warts, which I gave him (though I haven't had any physical warts in 6 years). And he had to have a benign growth removed from his penis. There are many things. We barely kiss anymore with any passion. He has nasal issues and can't breathe.
Aside from the intimacy issues, he is an alcoholic and nicotine addict. He has had 2 DUI's, the second of which he needed a lawyer and I paid for it on my credit card. We are in financial distress which is a long story. We are both bad with money, but together it's worse and he won't make any changes. I've started drinking alone to make me feel better, but it sure doesn't.
My family is not loving him. My mom feels I'm not happy, and is mad he makes no effort. My sister says she can tell I'm not happy. I know I'm not happy but have been telling myself it's because I'm overweight and struggling with money and depression, not because of him. He is gone all the time because of what he does for work; he's a long haul truck driver. He says he makes an effort and has cut back on his smoking and doesn't drink much anymore, but the bank account shows he still spends the same money and I'm not with him so I don't know.
There were so many signs of his drinking issues and things that didn't sit well with me from the beginning. But I don't have a lot of self worth and don't like being alone so I think I've settled. When he's home he drinks and sometimes drinks A LOT. He get's verbally abusive when he's drinking, usually when I provoke him so he says. He lived a very sexually experimental life before he met me. Orgy's, things like that. We did talk of having a threesome and one day I was supposed to go to my parent's for dinner after work for my sister's birthday and he called me and told me he brought home someone for us. I was not ready and had to lie to my parents about why I couldn't come over anymore because he was being so mean to me, drunk of course. It was a man transgendering which is fine, but I did stuff I didn't want to do because I was scared and didn't want to disappoint.
All of these things, years of hoping he would change, hoping I would change. I can be very negative and that can be toxic, but I'm just so mad at myself. I should have never married him feeling unsure. He has missed countless family or friend things because he was drunk. He won't get help so I'm lost. I'm 33, he's 40. We both want kids, but this is no environment for kids. It's not too late for me to be happy.
I'm looking for any kind words or advice. Thanks for listening.
Aside from the intimacy issues, he is an alcoholic and nicotine addict. He has had 2 DUI's, the second of which he needed a lawyer and I paid for it on my credit card. We are in financial distress which is a long story. We are both bad with money, but together it's worse and he won't make any changes. I've started drinking alone to make me feel better, but it sure doesn't.
My family is not loving him. My mom feels I'm not happy, and is mad he makes no effort. My sister says she can tell I'm not happy. I know I'm not happy but have been telling myself it's because I'm overweight and struggling with money and depression, not because of him. He is gone all the time because of what he does for work; he's a long haul truck driver. He says he makes an effort and has cut back on his smoking and doesn't drink much anymore, but the bank account shows he still spends the same money and I'm not with him so I don't know.
There were so many signs of his drinking issues and things that didn't sit well with me from the beginning. But I don't have a lot of self worth and don't like being alone so I think I've settled. When he's home he drinks and sometimes drinks A LOT. He get's verbally abusive when he's drinking, usually when I provoke him so he says. He lived a very sexually experimental life before he met me. Orgy's, things like that. We did talk of having a threesome and one day I was supposed to go to my parent's for dinner after work for my sister's birthday and he called me and told me he brought home someone for us. I was not ready and had to lie to my parents about why I couldn't come over anymore because he was being so mean to me, drunk of course. It was a man transgendering which is fine, but I did stuff I didn't want to do because I was scared and didn't want to disappoint.
All of these things, years of hoping he would change, hoping I would change. I can be very negative and that can be toxic, but I'm just so mad at myself. I should have never married him feeling unsure. He has missed countless family or friend things because he was drunk. He won't get help so I'm lost. I'm 33, he's 40. We both want kids, but this is no environment for kids. It's not too late for me to be happy.
I'm looking for any kind words or advice. Thanks for listening.
My therapist gave me some very good advice. She told me "sometimes we have to make decisions for ourselves that our good for us, but may make other people uncomfortable." I think this is the case. You have to think about yourself. I know you may love your husband but the lines of communication are broken and he doesn't respect you. In addition I think you need to work on yourself.
I know you have expressed that you are overweight but there are alot of guys who love bigger women and respect bigger women. The number one thing you have to remember is that you are SPECIAL. You were not put on this earth for no reason.
I think you should try to move in with your sister or parents if you can while you go through divorce proceedings if you can. I think that he is in a bad place and he is bringing you down. I have depression as well. I think you need to see a therapist and it seems like money is an issue and oftentimes they have sliding scales to accommodate the cost issue. I think a therapist can help you through depression and maybe prescribe some medications if needed. I was on medication for 3 months and was able to stop the meds with no side effects.
I think you really need to get away from him. If he made you do things you didn't want to do than this isn't a good situation for you. You are young enough to start all over but you need to work on yourself.
Its okay that you aren't great with money you can learn to get better at it. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can't let him drag you down.
Please seek some help. You deserve better.
dsb188. Thank you for your advice. It's great to get advice from those who are going through the same thing, or have been in similar situations. Someone who is also neutral and doesn't know us. We both currently live with my parents actually because we had to move out of our old place and my parents wanted to help us and give us a chance to save some money. So this a place I could definitely stay while going through this. I am currently seeing a counsellor and am on medication for my depression which has helped somewhat. It is too expensive to continue seeing this therapist though, even on sliding scale. She has given me some tools though knowing I may not be able to afford going back. This is truly the hardest thing I've had to do, and it's so scary because I care what happens to him. But I love that advice from your therapist, it's so true. Thanks for listening :)
How do you feel when he comes back from his trips? Are you looking forward to when he comes home or are you dreading it? You have to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want for yourself. It definitely doesn't sound like a good one to bring a child into and if that is something you are sure you want then please keep that in mind. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't just settle out of fear or because you don't want to hurt your H. Take care of yourself.
Go back to those posts and re-read them again. He hasn't changed since you started posting here. So ultimately you have to decide what you want to do and then if you decide to do it you have to take steps to do it.. No one can make those decisions for you. Good luck .