Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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cleigh 01/31/2017

For those of us that are suffering from the betrayal and lies of a spouse that had an affair, this post is for you.

We often live in the past, remembering how wonderful and special things were. And for many of us they were. But we are also conveniently forgetting to remember the negatives. We are looking through a rose-colored rearview mirror.

Today, imagine meeting your ex or stbx for the first time, a first date. Imagine that you find out after the first date that this person cheated and lied to his/her former partner. You discover all the facts about the disrespect, immorral, uncommitted acts that he/she engaged in while with his former partner. WOULD YOU BE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE LIKE THAT? I know that my answer is a definitive NO! Remember those characteristics of your ex or stbx when you are feeling so low, so down, so beaten. Remember that you deserve so much more, you deserve respect, love, and honesty!!! Your ex or stbx is NOT the person you married. They are gone. Make today the first day of you great beginning!

Pw1949 01/31/2017

I needed to read and STILL need to keep pondering this....THANK YOU

ripped_my_heartout 01/31/2017

You are correct. I'll get there. Thank you.

movingon2016 01/31/2017

Absolutely.

Lilisa 01/31/2017

its all true.. but its difficult to believe that the person you married 17 years ago.. is gone.. that he doesnt care not a little bit. its rough!! a sour medicine. its been a week since i finally my divorce. abd 6 months since i found out about the other.. im working in healing but its difficult when the life you tought you had is gone forever and your struggling fibding a good job. and look for yourself for the first time.. the one thing i know is.. if i survive this.. if im happy again.. im so fuc%#$@ strong and awesome!!

lonelyinside 01/31/2017

So true, cleigh.

jimthzz 01/31/2017

I'm not so sure I buy it fully, but there is a line of thinking that goes like this:

Humans evolved to reproduce eons before we could live past about age 30-40 years old.

So the infatuations needed to get women pregnant are not really designed or long-term commitments. Anything beyond getting children alive and able to fend for themselves (hunter-gatherer societies) wasn't a concern.

Our modern society lets us all live far, far longer than we evolved to survive in the ancient past. Our ideas of marriage and faithfulness are a modern construct.

Like I said, I think there are holes in the theory, but some of it explains a lot.

momto4 01/31/2017

Thanks for posting this. I need to allow myself to see both sides of him so I can make a decision that is best for not only me but my kids. I tend to try to downplay or rationalize his behavior. If I had known on our first date that he had treated another person the way he has treated me, I would have been horrified.
@jimthzz I'm not sure how I feel about that theory. I think there are enough people who have been together and happily in love for 60 years that prove it is not impossible for humans to have long term marriages and remain faithful. But I think it takes a lot of work and you really have to find the right person. Both parties have to be willing to put in the work to make it work.

jimthzz 01/31/2017

I'm not suggesting cheating, btw. Just looking for answers for what I endured.

cleigh 01/31/2017

I agree, momto4. I believe that long term relationships are not only sustainable, but can be a source of lifelong happiness. All relationships are work; think of your siblings, your parents, your friends. I can think of numerous times when my relationship was on the downside with any people in those groups, but the relationship is important enough to find your way back to making it good again.
Unfortunately, so many use the excuse "I'm not in love anymore" as way out of the hard work. Instead of looking at themselves and what is causing their discontent, it is easier to walk away. Doing the wrong thing is easy, doing what is right is hard. We have created a society where it is acceptable to walk away from responsibilites and obligations. Very, very sad.
jimthzz - there are no answers, except the person that you thought loved you til death do you part was not that person at all.

onedayatatimeforme 02/01/2017

A great post and thank you for posting that. If I knew what I know now about my stbx I would not walk but run away however there were some hints along the way but I did not care I had to wear his shirt at night because it smelled like him, I had to talk and see him every day , I wrote him a letter like we were giving our vows to each other. Then I learned to stand on my own two feet and I learned I am worth more. Yeah I am may not be at 100 % now but I am half way there :)

FamilyGuy 02/01/2017

Amen, says the atheist. All true and a good way to look at these situations. I will say i dont regret having my kids. While my stbx is a devious viscious bitch we did have some good years, like 6/11. And i have 2 beautiful children who are the reason i get up in the morning. Would i do it all again? Lol in every position, like I did. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. Ideally i would have reporduced with someone who shared my sense of values and honor, but life isnt perfect. Im done pining over the hot piece of ass my ex is. Her insides are inversely proportional to her outside, but I dont regret my kids It is what it is. Life goes on. I will however choose partners more carefully in the future. This has been an agnonizing learning experience but one I feel I had to have. Life sure keeps things interesting doesnt it?

refurb 02/01/2017

i'm thankful my my kids and would trade being their daddy for anything, 24 years marriage to a cheater erases any positive memory of being with self-centered juvenile c-word.

giddy_eagle 02/02/2017

It's different for me. With the rose colored glasses off and tossed in the trash so they never get put on again, I simply regret the years, no decades, invested into a relationship that was an illusion.

Although I accept what has happened, I will never forgive. A single affair, which prompts a person to reevaluate their marriage and either recommit or divorce I can understand and even respect.

A serial adulterer, who takes advantage of his spouse, lies and decides his family and friends is just a cruel, inhumane person who only cares about their next ego high.

Fuck him. In the end he will be a lonely old man with no love, an awkward relationship with his daughter and no real friends. Imho, that's Hell on earth.

I, on the other hand, will reclaim myself and explore all the things I set aside to appease his self-righteous ego.

I cannot reclaim those lost years, but I can become a fearless middle-aged woman who enjoys life and takes risks.

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