The anxiety of did I make the right decision about anything is a fear we all must face at some point in life. If anything second guessing ourselves can make us look at choices logically without emotion. That second look of calmness will most likely cement in your mind that you made the right call.

I do feel that way too
I've been divorced a long time now. He hit me when my daughter was 2 and had to leave. He was pounding me on the head with all his might - right above the hairline so bruises wouldn't show - that's manipulative. He told me during our 15 year marriage that I was too dumb to handle finances or write a check. Then he left me with very little, cheating me out of my inheritance from my Dad. Now my kids have rejected me. After dedicating myself to raising them as best I could, not dating or taking any pleasure for myself. I grieve too. For the love I know I had to give if the right man would have been there. Most times I try to meet someone he doesnt want to listen to the feelings I'd like to share. I'd want to be friends. I'm 60 now and not looking to jump in bed and have a fling. I did that 10 years ago and it doesn't last or get you respected. I'm relieved in a way not to have a husband after what I went through. But sometimes it's scary to be alone. Especially with my kids not talking to me. I have a few good friends but they're busy and I can't impose all the time. My daughter accidentally wreck my car and it was an older one without collision. So now I don't have a car to go out. People don't want to pick me up all the time. I'm poor compared to most of my peers. Im on disability for major depression and learning and arthritis 6 years now and work PT. So I get judged by some people for that.

I felt that way too. I'm someone who can over analyze things to the extreme, so by the time I actually filed, I had mostly gotten over the stage of disbelief that he just couldn't give a rat's a$$. It was a year from saying I was done to actually filing. and that year was probably the toughest in my life. Could he really care so little as to do nothing? Be so cold hearted? I'm not much of a crier in general, but there were a few times when the grief struck me down to my knees in that year. It was a huge relief to tell him at the start of that year that I was done with the marriage, but that relief did transition to grief and a host of confusing emotions. By the end of that year, acceptance kicked in and I finally filed. I didn't look back after that point.

Maybe most people don't wait as long as me to actually file, I feel I did most of my mourning before I filed. No matter which way you do it, you can't escape the storm of emotions.

I feel your pain. I too am in the turmoil of a possible narcissist . It’s the worse thing I’ve even through in my life.

I'm sorry you are struggling. Feelings come in waves, even for those of us who's most difficult times are (hopefully) behind us. It was probably adrenaline that had you feeling free and happy when you first left. and Bingo! Expectations. When things don't turn out as expected, it can be so disappointing. It's normal to still grieve for a relationship when it's over. Have you thought of seeing a therapist to cope with these ups and downs? Do you have a supportive family and friends? Also, take care of yourself, rest, and do things you enjoy to keep your mind off the sad things. Hugs to you.

I know what you mean, I just started with the divorce process myself I felt relieved at first, now I have days where I feel afraid of the future and I feel guilty sometimes. So I constantly remind myself that he is the manipulator and cheater not me

I understand the fear. I was conflicted about the actual filing even though I knew we were done. We were beyond done though because I kept having hope.

Now that assets are being divided his narcissistic side is showing which only reminds me why I filed.

DO NOT GO BACK ON A FILING OF DIVORCE!! I tell myself that everyday because I'm stressed about it.

Thanks everone for all you shared. I never doubt my decision to leave, not even for a day. I know I did the right thing and I am not one to waffle, once i have made up my mind. Still there is the emotion of grief coming out and the uncertain of the future. Emotionally, I like being on my own to be honest. I have been in therapy for years and in addition we did marriage counselling for 2 years. It might be time for a therapy break to be honest and just start living my life.

I spent 33 years with a Narcissist. Nicest man you would ever want to meet until you figured out all that he was hiding from me. So many girlfriends and other things. Some of it was to my benefit, I can usually spot a Narcissist pretty quickly. I stay as far from someone like that as I can. Where I live that is some times hard to do. When I did get it all figured out I ran for a divorce. There were things I found about him that I won't talk about. Luckily he has moved on to another wife and I haven't heard anything from him since he had to sign this farm over to me and pay a lot of back alimony. It seems all of us realize we are much better off without that kind of man in our lives. I know I am and I have no intention of ever getting married again.

Sending you love and hugs, friend. Please surround yourself with loved ones and friends who can support you at this time. God’s best to you in the coming days. Take good care of yourself, okay?

Thanks Last for the support, I like what you said Trish, makes a lot of sense. You do learn a lot from living with a narcissits. He was a fragile narcissit ( according to marriage therapist), which is much different then the grandiose narciisst I grew up with (my Mom). They do rot you and make you doubt your very being. I am glad from now until dead I am without him.