Unfortunately where there is smoke there is fire, and where there is fire someone's gonna get burnt. Sounds like it's you. Of course they have slept together (sorry, not what you wanted to hear) but we are talking about adults and not children. Adults have sex. I'm sure she can't bring herself to saying that out loud to you.

She is a cheater and a liar. You deserve better than that. Although I know you love her and it's super easy for me to say. You just have to find your pride and take it one day at a time.

You say she cheated with him before. The reason it seems she can just walk out and get on with things so quickly is because she has been letting go over all of this time. It's not new for her, only for you. And you're right, life sucks for those of us left behind falling to pieces. It's a long process to grieve the relationship. I wish you strength and peace throughout your process.

wonj, once I was in a situation just like yours. My gf left me for our best friend. I was devastated and left to deal with the fallout of the loss of seven years together, while she frolicked her her new love. At the time, all I could think about was how unfair the whole thing was!

As time went on, it occurred to me that my life was changing in many positive ways...and I felt free for the first time in a long time.

You will get through this. Enough time will pass and the sharp pain will subside bit by bit.

Best of luck to you.

Hello, I am very sorry for your pain . I am today married for 15 years (the last 10 with very much missing .......no affection, communication, any type of help with household responsibilities ...he is home, I work....very little appreciation.....) After so much time I finally found the courage to ask for a divorce. I had been trying for some time to tell him what I was missing (or needed as I realized I am entitled to have and express needs.)

Now, it took this, but we were finally able to open up and , at least communicate where we are coming from. He tries to do a little more here and there....but realistically it is too little too late.
I choose to look at this as a lesson learned (step along the path to a happier, healthier life).i believe hubby does too....although sadly, I don't know that he will use it to move on, (He is content being shut down and miserable and going through the motions. I tried that.... I choose life again.)

When you said " I just lost my way in terms of showing her how much the past few years"
To me, as a woman that is key.
I was feeling like an ugly, unlovable slug with little to offer. I would innocently answer a chat hello on a game site. (Even mentioned to hubby first, hoping he would react...he laughed. Took that to mean he couldn't care less) I wound up opening up and sharing with a complete stranger a zillion miles away. I started to feel attractive, smart, sexy, and even desirable again. I would find support, compassion ,encouragement and when he explained how he would treat someone he loved...he assured me I did not deserve what I was dealing with.

I realize what i found from him I should have been sharing with my husband. Sadly, he did not want to be bothered.

To you and other men out there (actually it could apply to some women as well) I would say if you do truly love and care about someone don't take it (or them ) for granted. We ALL need to know we are loved and appreciated....it is not a given just because we wear that ring on our finger . Especially as more years pass .

Won, so sorry you are going through this betrayal. There is very little chance that her affair will work out but I don't want you to give her a second thought. I know, easier said than done. Try to give yourself some R&R time. If you feel compelled to cry do so with conviction as it will help purge the pain over time. Just don't wallow in it. These bits of advice only come at a personal expense of going about it the wrong way. We are in different situations now but I've been where you are. I'm praying for strength and peace for you.

What is important is for YOU to not look at this as what you lost or are missing. Try to look at all you have to offer. You sound like a warm and caring man who does have much to give (perhaps to another down the line.....more importantly to extend that same compassion to yourself at this moment) Think of what it is you want and need next time. (And just maybe remember to keep on showing a bit of affection )

You don't deserve to be treated this way or be unhappy. Good thoughts are with you.

I'm extremely sorry for your situation. I understand how you are feeling completely. My husband was having an emotional affair with someone from work and he still says nothing physical happened between them. I don't believe anything is happening with them now, but he still says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to put the work in to fix our marriage. It really hurts when the person you love and took vows with decides you aren't worth it to put the work and effort in. I understand you are probably consumed by what is happening and you are looking everywhere and doing crazy things to try to find the answers. I found the only thing that has helped me so far is getting out of the house and trying to hang out with a friend or do something for me. I hope you find some comfort. I know it's so hard to focus and sleep and have any motivation to do anything with your life. I wish you luck, if you find something that helps to comfort please let me know and I'm looking for more coping skills too!

But, on the upside, You've come to the right place! There are a lot of people here that have been where you are. I know that I have. And there's a lot of good information to be found here. Like you, my wife and I were married for seven years, and she threw it all away in just a matter of months. It was stunning to watch her disconnect so fully and so suddenly. PM me if you want to talk about things. Wishing you well.

Thanks for the wise words everyone...

My ex wife did the exact same thing after 24 years and 2 kids yada yada and she point blank told me she'd been thinking about leaving for 2 years. It's not just 2 months for your ex she's already put the time in detaching. It took me a good amount of time to catch up and the only way it works is go No Contact. It's a very painful process but you come out the other side detached as well. Trust me. I didn't think I'd ever get over it but I did.

so you "own" your part in how the marriage got sideways.
wifey?
or does she hang 100% on you?
if she lays 100% on you, your marriage was always fucked, anyone that takes 0% of the blame
is a Taker in a relationship and is a 0%giver
someone like that is capable of great love...of themselves

Refurb pretty much nailed it ..brutally but that's the gist of it

Past few years implies three or more. ..out of seven years of marriage. That's almost half of your marriage to this lady. I don't think she should have moved in that direction at all and she should have brought her feelings to you first. If she did and you ignored them then that's a different story. The right things to do would be to face the reality and move forward was a divorce. Trust me, the relationship she's in is destined for failure. I don't think going from one relationship to another like Tarzan swinging on the branches is allowing anyone to heal, including her broken heart

Don't focus so much on her being with this new guy you are causing more pain and hurt to yourself. Every new relationship is always fun at the beginning what makes you think when this 'new' relationship get old she wont run to someone else? what she did was selfish and she will realize what she did but i hope by that time you will be stronger than you are today to say NO to her. AS much as it hurts find ways to make yourself happy again happiness begins with YOU, try yoga or hiking something to keep your mind occupied, take this time to pull the positives out of this situation and most important allow yourself to hurt, its only part of the process some day you will find back yourself but it starts with you helping yourself.

Good Luck,
Anna