as a quick follow-up, I basically told my ex, I couldn't "do life" with her, too much drama and turmoil. Is that wrong of me? Admitting that love and passion just inst enough?

NO ITS NOT WRONG!!! you deserve to be completely fulfilled on all aspects... love, passion, respect, honesty, thoughtfulness...
recently did the same... ended a 5 year long relationship because it was clear to me our love for eachother wasn't enough to sustain a relationship...it's hard to walk away when there is still love but I believe it's important to follow your inner knowingness... don't rush into anything... take time to find happiness within yourself... when it's right you will know...

How long were you out of the old relationship before starting the new one. Because this sounds almost like a rebound.

The time in between was approximately 1 month. Although, honestly, I was checked out of my last one about two months prior to me actually leaving. Its sounds like Im trying to justify it, but those are the facts.

I find myself thinking of all the good times and the things me and my ex did. The places we went, the passion, the excitement. Then I think of all the drama and bad times and the fact that she brought out the worst in me, like no other woman has managed to do in my whole life. She made me or rather, I allowed myself to become a part of her drama and created our own. I became someone I didnt like. I let her bring me down to her level. When at one time, I was bringing her up to mine. every now and again, I think, I could deal with the drama and toxic life she gave me, maybe I could "fix her" and her kids and "save them" but Im afraid all i would be doing is bring upon my own down fall and let her issues affect me and my son's life in a negative way.

Basically i chose myslef and my happiness and well being over her love for me I feel selfish but I felt I had to do what I had to do to maybe make my life better.

I feel like I gave up, but in reality, she did. I walked away at one point feeling I gave my all, but now i wonder. Its a very difficult position to be in. And based on what Ive seen since we have broken up she has not changed and has admitted to being very manipulative to get what she wants. By using people and in a sense using me.

She knows she can call me and I would come to her rescue, yet again, and I have. Geez when I type it all out, its obvious that I am better off. But I cant get her out of my head and my heart.

At one point she was, at least I though, the love Ive been waiting for. I was convinced she was the "one" And when she destroyed us, I was heart broken and since that day. I have never been the same.

Im all over the place today, but Im so confused and not sure what to do.

Bottom line, she is not good for me, I cant see a future with her, but my heart is hers. My new girlfriend is the best thing to happen to me and my son, although I care for her and can see a future with her, that excitement and passion is not there. Im hoping that passion will be there, one day. I just need to let things go and live. Not dwell on the past......

Lord Im a mess of a man....I was always in control. Not these days and its hard.......

All I know is I am going to mess up something really great if I dont get my head straight. And that I will regret....

I don't know your history, so I found your post, "My Story." Based on that and this post, I honestly think you need to spend time OUT of any relationship and dating until you have had a chance to heal. And healing doesn't happen in a couple of months.

Passion can be addicting. So can drama. So you may very well need to go thru the 'withdrawals' that come with stopping any addiction. So you might want to do some sessions with a qualified therapist to start focusing on establishing a healthy relationship with yourself before anyone else.

There's no way to have a fulfilling healthy relationship with another person until we find that within ourselves.

Plus, there is no way you have allowed enough time to grieve the loss of your 15 yr marriage or the dysfunctional gf. Many experts say it takes 1-2 years for every 5-7 years you were married to heal.

"Getting back on the horse" only works for when you actually fall off of a horse and doesn't apply to relationships.

Happiness doesn't come from having a passionate love for someone else. It comes from having that passionate love for YOURSELF.

May advice is to stay out of all romantic relationships until you have healed AND established a healthy relationship with yourself. You not only owe this to you, you owe it to your son. It's not fair to expose him to the toxicity of the ex gf and then from gf to gf. He also hasn't had enough time to grieve the loss of the only family he has ever known.

Please give yourself the gift of time & healing. Honor, accept & feel your feelings. Grieve your losses. And fall madly in love with yourself! You and your son are worth the effort!

~healing hugs~

I feel the same way about my ex, I know he isn't good for me but he does have my heart. With lots of counseling my counselor said my feelings for my ex are fear based, I was afraid that he was going to leave me so that is why my feelings for him are so intense so I expect those kind of deep feelings in my relationships, I'm searching for that passion I had with my ex. I now know those weren't healthy years with him.
I did date a "safe" man after my divorce. It had been 2 years since my ex left. I just couldn't do it. He had all of the qualities I want in a partner but he was too nice, too predictable, too calm. I was searching for that passion, for those " I can't live with out you" emotions I had with my ex. I broke it off until I can get myself together, it wasn't fair to him nor did I want to hurt him like I had been hurt. I am not dating now, just healing and enjoying my family, it's lonely but it's peaceful, no drama, no wondering.
So we have experienced high emotions,drama, love (?) and passion with someone, we get out hearts broken and then we meet wonderful people who can be good for us, loves us, will never leave us but we stop ourselves from crossing that line and we back off. Will we ever cross that line? Will we ever be able to give our hearts away again? Will we ever feel that kind of passion again? I'd like to think we will, maybe we're just not ready yet. It's hard not to compare our exes with current partners but we need to remember how those relationships ended and how toxic they were.......we don't want that, do we?
I totally get your concern.........I struggle with that too.
Good luck and be gentle with the lady you are dating, please don't string her along, be gentle with her heart and be honest with her. I know from my own experience they'd rather know the truth (that we still have feelings for our exes) then to pretend we're completely over them. You might want to take a break from dating for awhile, it's hard to start a relationship when you're still living in the old one, it just doesn't work, I know, I tried........

Thank you for the kind words and the harsh truth of my situation. You both are absolutely right. About everything. And the sad part is, I know what I need to do. Its just finding the courage to do it.

I am trying so hard to do the right thing by me, my son, and by everyone involved. But, there in lies the issue, I dont focus on me enough, never have. Not sure how to do that.

And so we are clear, my son is number one, he always has been, he has adjusted pretty well to the divorce. And he is the main reason why I ended my relationship with my ex.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was stop and look within myself. For me, the best way to do that was to find the right qualified therapist. (No easy task.) There is absolutely no shame in going to therapy. And, with the right therapist, healing and inner happiness happens. But it takes time and it's definitely not a linear process. Neither is grief.

As a very wise person once told me, sometimes you just have to hold your nose and jump off that cliff into the abyss of the unknown. It's scary - damn scary. But it is so worth it. Even if you don't feel courageous, start by asking around who knows a good therapist. And then go. Therapy should be a safe place to let it all hang out w/no judgments - just help & guidance. Not all therapists are good, so if the first one isn't a good fit, keep looking.

~healing hugs~

Actually, Ive been seeing a therapist off and on since my divorce, and saw one during may marriage and marriage counseling as well. So, I have no issues seeing someone. And she has said the same things I have heard here, and Im sure she thinks she is talking to a brick wall at times.

Good for you.

Next time you see your therapist (or before :-) you might want to ask yourself these questions:

What am I gaining by not allowing myself to heal? (there's always a gain, tho it may not be beneficial)

How am I hurting myself and others (especially my son) by not allowing myself to heal?

Thank you, I will do my best to answer those questions, never really thought about it.

I agree with the above replies - you do not feel passion for the new person because you have not yet detoxed from the previous relationship. What you said about the passion being addicting is absolutely true. Chemicals are released when we connect with someone - phenylethylamine , oxytocin and dopamine, for example. For me personally, it takes around 18 months to get back to what feels like normal, after a major life change, breakup or trauma. That may be different for you, but probably not TOO different. I think a few months is too short of a time to heal or detox.

I am sorry for the position you are in and I agree with the other posters
about healing before dating.
I feel sorry for the woman you are now dating. You are dating her because she is "safe" and you do not feel passion for her.
Is that denying her the chance for her to find someone who really loves her??? Is that really fair to her.
There could still be your perfect person that you could meet. Just give
it some time and work on yourself.
Good luck