Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Married 25 years, husband unfaithful most of it, tried to make it work, but last 6 years he had ongoing affair with one woman - thought they were "over" but found out I was wrong. All the healing I thought we'd done was fake, and I was blind. (Maybe on purpose.) I left last April, divorce final in September.
Now... I've known that the ex continued his affair with this woman. My daughter has known, but it's all been "secret," and he denied it to my daughter. Her son goes to my daughter's school, where I am a teacher. I have to see him daily (but he's not in my class). His friends have told my daughter that the ex and his gf are a "thing." So, this weekend my ex hosts a birthday party for my daughter and there she is - the gf. He decides to come out with it at her birthday party. She brought gifts, told my daughter that she has watched her grow up and knows her so well. At first, my daughter told me (unsolicited) that she was so nice and she felt weird but really liked her. Then she tells me that my ex got drunk and cried as he told my daughter how much he loves this woman, has always loved her, and more about how they are going to move in together, but she lives with a guy right now and it's complicated. Today, my daughter tells me that she's feeling strange about it because now she feels like if they move in together the bedroom that is "hers" at her dad's place will become the woman's son's bedroom. Now she feels like she has no place with him and that it will be weird. Tomorrow my daughter is singing in a talent show and I just learned that my ex will be there with his gf, their first time together at an event that I, too, will be attending. I don't know how I will hold it together. Actually, I do know. I will hold it inside like I always do. I will be silent and avoid them, and pretend I don't see him or her. It's awful to feel this way. And, I refuse to say bad things about the GF to my daughter. I believe that it's not fair to put my anger and sadness on her - she shouldn't have to live with it. Besides, she's a smart, sensitive young woman and I know she already feels that things aren't quite right.
I know there's no way out of this but forward through time, but I hate that it hurts so bad. I hate that I feel so angry, so sad. I hate that I care! I'm SO much better without him, and I KNOW this. He's not a good person. He was abusive in many ways to both me and my children. I shouldn't care - it's irrational and I can't make sense of it, but at the same time I can't make the sinking feeling in my stomach, the sting of tears, the tightness in my chest from anxiety go away.
Now... I've known that the ex continued his affair with this woman. My daughter has known, but it's all been "secret," and he denied it to my daughter. Her son goes to my daughter's school, where I am a teacher. I have to see him daily (but he's not in my class). His friends have told my daughter that the ex and his gf are a "thing." So, this weekend my ex hosts a birthday party for my daughter and there she is - the gf. He decides to come out with it at her birthday party. She brought gifts, told my daughter that she has watched her grow up and knows her so well. At first, my daughter told me (unsolicited) that she was so nice and she felt weird but really liked her. Then she tells me that my ex got drunk and cried as he told my daughter how much he loves this woman, has always loved her, and more about how they are going to move in together, but she lives with a guy right now and it's complicated. Today, my daughter tells me that she's feeling strange about it because now she feels like if they move in together the bedroom that is "hers" at her dad's place will become the woman's son's bedroom. Now she feels like she has no place with him and that it will be weird. Tomorrow my daughter is singing in a talent show and I just learned that my ex will be there with his gf, their first time together at an event that I, too, will be attending. I don't know how I will hold it together. Actually, I do know. I will hold it inside like I always do. I will be silent and avoid them, and pretend I don't see him or her. It's awful to feel this way. And, I refuse to say bad things about the GF to my daughter. I believe that it's not fair to put my anger and sadness on her - she shouldn't have to live with it. Besides, she's a smart, sensitive young woman and I know she already feels that things aren't quite right.
I know there's no way out of this but forward through time, but I hate that it hurts so bad. I hate that I feel so angry, so sad. I hate that I care! I'm SO much better without him, and I KNOW this. He's not a good person. He was abusive in many ways to both me and my children. I shouldn't care - it's irrational and I can't make sense of it, but at the same time I can't make the sinking feeling in my stomach, the sting of tears, the tightness in my chest from anxiety go away.
Then get home, cry your eyes out and post here. We are all here waiting to support you. You are not alone in your pain. We'll hold you up. Many hugs to you and sending you strength.
Getting questions from people and my stbx suggests to say I've been better, but doing OK....but find myself falling apart and telling them I haven't been a good wife. I do tear up but usually manage some deep breathes and cry during drive home or in my closet once I get home. Know I need to be stronger for my kids, just feel so empty and hurt.
Did say I want him to be happy, but he is right in thinking not happy with her.
Emotional...I am so glad I checked in here. Your ideas are right on. I usually sit toward the back, but you are right, I MUST sit in front so they are at my back. I must find my friend to sit with. This will take some pressure off the situation.
I am sad so many of us experience this pain, but so glad to know that together we are stronger.
Have dealt with brutal adultery and the other woman myself,
so here's my 2 cents, if I may:
Do you really have to go to the talent show? I have a daughter and a son and I love them to pieces, but in this case, please consider: What is best for your sanity? Remember it is everything else BUT NOT having to choose between your daughter and yourself.
Your ex and the gf can't wait to start living a normal life and have a one happy blended family. Please your ex is a selfish guy and he is doing it ALSO to show himself to others. I have seen an adulterer husband and his crocodile tears telling everyone how much he loves this new woman, bla bla bla. Your ex is just one of them. You love your daughter and she loves you. Nobody can replace you in her life. There will be many more nice memories for you too. If you say she is smart and sensitive, please talk to her and tell her that you would love to watch a recording of the show or watch it live but that it is a bit early for you to be in the same hall as her dad and his gf. Give her a piece of something you hold dear and tell her you will be with her but not physically. May sound strange since you are alive but give her a piece of your jewellery maybe to wear.
My dear, if you go today, I can guarantee you that you will have bitterness and anger piled up when you return home. Your daughter's 5-6 minute performance will kick your emotions backwards and you will suffer for the next several days from having seen your ex and the other woman together. Do you really need this? This guy might go extra further and hold hands in front of everyone. Do you need to see this?
Again up to you, but do something that actually helps your healing process and not interrupts it.
There always seems to be so much hatred towards the other man/woman, but lets not forget that the main culprit is always the spouse who decided to look elsewhere. At some point married or not, we are all going to be seen as the other man/woman to some other person.
Do people want their ex back knowing that they are with someone else doing all sort of things, and how would that play into things moving forward if they do indeed come back to you...I mean would you be able to get intimate with this person again and trust them?
I know there's no way out of this but forward through time, but I hate that it hurts so bad. I hate that I feel so angry, so sad. I hate that I care! I'm SO much better without him, and I KNOW this. He's not a good person. He was abusive in many ways to both me and my children. I shouldn't care - it's irrational and I can't make sense of it, but at the same time I can't make the sinking feeling in my stomach, the sting of tears, the tightness in my chest from anxiety go away.
I fel exactly the ame way - I know I don;t want him back ever, but yet the feelings you so accuratley describe persist - I don't understand. I guess 20 years leaves a lot of attachment issues even with a break from a bad relationship. I know i need to detach from him compeltely and not think about what he does or who is does it with - but his actions have casued so much pain anfd living in a samll town it just keeps coming up. I pray for the abilty to let go and accept and move on, but right now it is so hard. Yet, I do have hope that it will get better eventually for me and you and all of us in this boat.
Here's the thing...I could have skipped it. My girl would have understood. But, why should I let him take that from me? He's always been selfish, I'm done with his selfish behavior. I had a good time, and my daughter WON first place. I would have missed THAT. And THAT would have made me angry, and bitter, and cry.
We can do this. You all have NO IDEA how much your posts helped me. Without the tip to sit in front, I totally would have taken my normal seat in the back and been distracted from the show because I would have been staring at them. Instead, he got to see ME have a great time!
Hugs to you all. Thank you!!
The text from the ex was obviously to wind you up, they must have seen you and talked about you. You were under no obligation to have answered that text, and personally I wouldn't have .
Now that you've got past this hurdle, don't let his text be his way of still trying to control you, meddle or fishing for information. If anything from him is not child related, ignore his @$$. This will be part of the healing process.
Now you know how to tackle future would be drama instances...well done!
Good for you and putting your daughter first. Everything worked out perfect for you and her. She is so very lucky to have you as a Mom!!!
She and I are so very proud of you!!!!!!!!!
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))