Hey aliaw,

It's great that you're managing to have some good times while you're in Boston! That knowledge that you can still have fun and feel like yourself becomes pretty priceless on low days.

I think NYE is a total minefield for breakup angst. I had trouble sticking to no contact, too, and was worried that he'd show up in a picture somewhere. But just remember that a picture tells you almost nothing. You can run yourself ragged coming up with theories about when he decided to go, why he decided to go, what kind of time he was having, etc, but you just can't know. Accepting that is so much easier said than done, I know.

The back and forth is so frustrating and is absolutely exhausting. But try to enjoy the rest of the time you have with your friends, and remember that if you've started to feel okay once, you will get there again.

I think these periods fo feeling fine and optimistic, only have to crash in on you again are part fo teh healing process - has been happening to me too. They will lessen with time, especailly if you minimize as best you can how much you see or hear of him. It helps you to truly absorb that it is over.

This feeling of being kicked in the stomach is awful. I know exactly how you feel. But try and focus on what caused you to break up. Whatever this person did he will probably do to the next one. That's what I try and tell myself when I feel this way. The feeling is like someone has died. It's not nice. But every day you will get stronger . These people are hard to forget . It is easier if you don't see them at all. Easier to deal with. If you can avoid looking at pictures . Move forwards without looking back

I flew back to Germany today after having spent two weeks in the US... one with my family and one with my friends in Boston, and I'm contracted with my job here until June or July. Tomorrow will be only four weeks since he ended it. My two weeks at home were wonderful. I needed all of the support I got from my family and friends and I was actually feeling happy again... like I was going to be able to do this.

The reality of coming back to Germany has been brutal though. I think I cried so much to my friends in the hours leading up to my flight and in the airport terminal that my eyes were more or less swollen shut the entirety of the plane ride. It all seemed so daunting to be coming back to the place that has been so hard for me and to leave my support system once again. Just four months ago he had dropped me off in the same terminal when I first moved over here. Even though I was starting to accept what happened, I think I just had this irrational fantasy in my head that we'd somehow run into each other out of the blue while I was in Boston and that he'd realize he was madly in love with me and couldn't be without me and it'd be like the movies or something. But of course it didn't.... he even went to NY for the week that I was in Boston (whether it was intentional or unintentional I dont know, but I'm trying not to ask myself that question).

But now that the holidays are over and I'm back, I'm facing the reality of actually trying to begin again without him. During the impossible days post-breakup, all I thought about was getting through it to get home. I didn't really think about what comes next once that is over.

I decided yesterday that when I got back to my apartment today I was going to get rid of the remnants of him (clothes of his that I took to bring with me, shampoo he left in my bathroom when he visited at thanksgiving, the christmas decorations that we hung up together). I told myself that tomorrow I would finally stop putting it off and go join the gym, go to a few new meet up events this week to try to meet some new people, make a concerted effort to be more social with my roommates. And while I did do the purge of throwing all the reminders of him in the trash when I got home, after a terrible day of travel (snowstorms, delays, missed connections, and lost baggage all in 24 hours), I sat down and sobbed again in the spot where I have already spent so much of the past month sobbing... from that returning wave of loneliness that I'd felt since moving here, from the exhaustion of what this has done to my mental and physical health in the past month, and from the realization that I have to find strength that I don't know where to find to go on without him. I want to start healing. I just have no idea how.

First off I just wanted say that I am sorry that your going through such a rough time! You probably don't want to hear this right about now, or your maybe tired of hearing this by now, but everyone here is right, it will take time to get better from this and it will take time to move on!

Your not alone, for everyone in this on-line group in one way shape or form has gone through the same thing or things as you are currently. I know it's hard, you touched on something in your post about how difficult and hard it was to be at the same Airport, heck the same terminal no less. Your not alone with this, about 3-4 weeks ago one of my closet friends needed assistance while he was awaiting his flight at Sacramento International Airport. I didn't mind, sure I'll wait with you and help carry some of your bags, no problem.

Yeah right it wasn't a problem! Upon arriving things were cool and calm and under control. But all it took was approaching the United Airlines Ticket Counter and it floored me. For this was the same Ticket Counter that my ex-fiance used exactly 5 months ago to get her ticket and fly back home to Ohio. I was hanging out in the same exact spot where she did, I started to look around thinking to myself "everything I see, she saw", "everything I'm looking around at was the last and final things of Sacramento she saw"! Also the fact that what made this Airport situation very hard to deal with, was at this same Airport back on June-1-2013 my ex-fiance and myself landed together at from flying back home from Ohio, walked out of our plane together, hand in hand and with smiles galore up the exit ramp and into the lobby to an awaiting friend outside that picked us up, when at that time I super thrilled and excited and full of max love to think that this person I flew back home with is going to spend the rest of her life with me! I told my buddy that I'll just take his bags and wait "way over there"!

So when it comes to the Airport thing, I'm with you, it's hard to deal with, but you did it, you championed it and were able to get through it, you boarded your plane and took off, commend and congratulate yourself on the accomplishment!

Next, your not alone either when it comes to "gutting a place out of the Ex's personal belonging and things"! That by far was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do around the house, ever! She left what was once "our home" back on August-3-2014, I think it took me close to a weeks time to at least empty the place of maybe like 80% to 90% of her stuff. It was super hard, like you I had bad bouts of sobbing and crying and talking out loud to myself, mainly saying out loud "why"?

Ridding my old place of her belonging such as shampoo's, conditioners and body wash's and such were fairly easy, it all self contained items. But for me the hardest item to handle, hold and deal with was the 4-5 large trash bags full of her old cloths left behind. Granted she mailed off 6 large USPS flat rate shipping boxes of a lot of her stuff to her parents house before moving out, which was a help to me. But the clothing items, and let me tell you there was a lot to tend with were the hardest for me.

I had no idea before she moved out and went back home that clothing items could contain memory's of such great magnitude. There I was, sitting on what used to be "our bedroom" floor, picking up her T-shirts and such, and with each item my mind blazed right to the memory of knowing when and where she wore this thing last. And the smells, talk about cry city, my ex-fiance has one of the greatest natural body scents I've ever smelt. Plus in conjunction the fragrant Bath & Body Works smell goods stuff she used to use didn't make my job any easier.

But your not alone, this whole process from start to finish, at all the various stages in many ways we've all been there and we're all by your side! But I will tell you this, that again, it will get better with time! I'm now working on going through month number 6 and I can tell you that in comparison to the first early stages of the post breakup process, things now are much better, much easier, and for the most part she doesn't dwell inside my head to much anymore.

You'll be fine, just remember to take as good of care of yourself as you can. Remember that it's okay to "feel" and it's okay to "respond" to those feelings! Don't deny yourself feeling the feelings at all, to hide and stuff those emotions within you is only setting your recovery back! Try to eat right, try to sleep well, continue to talk to your support network and just talk this thing out of you, and keep coming back here and posting whatever is on your mind, don't worry about possibly sounding like a broken record with repeating yourself, just say what's on your mind, even if you've already posted about it, just let it out.......

Oh man, familiar scents can be the absolute worst. On the night that my ex moved out his furniture, I came home to find a completely messed up room and had to clear the rest of his things and start setting up my new room. I actually handled it okay until I went into the bathroom to collect his toiletries... the washcloth I grabbed smelled strongly of the mix of natural scent/body wash/deodorant that has always been so uniquely him, and I completely broke down. When he came back later that evening for the car keys he forgot to grab, I made him take the toiletries immediately. Even now, I know that if I came across that smell again I would completely lose it. Sense of smell is one of the strongest memory triggers we have.

I'm having a really tough day today. Being back in Germany away from my family and friends is really really hard. I was feeling so isolated here as it was and I turned to him so much for support which I never really got enough of, but I got something from him and I just wish I could text him the silly things I saw today or tell him how lonely and hurt I am. And I can't. I don't start back at work until tomorrow because I had to go to several appointments at the residency offices today. But I have no desire to go back to work. I have no desire to go to my choir rehearsal. Trying to force myself to go join a gym and try to explore more but all I want to do is stay in bed, even four weeks out. All I can think of is him and how much I want to see him and talk to him and how if he texted me right now asking me to forgive him I would in an instant despite how much he's hurt me. All I want is him. I try to tell myself that I'm angry and i just cry harder. I'm still not sleeping through the night, still no appetite and losing weight, going to start using a huge chunk of my small salary to pay for my therapist appointments that aren't covered by insurance, and now back to being alone in a place that has never felt comfortable or like home. I just don't know how much more I can take. Staying here for six more months right now feels like a prison sentence right now, and this is supposed to be the most exciting and adventurous year of my life. But all I want to do is cry.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish there was an easy way to get through the pain.

If you can force yourself to keep to your normal routine, it will definitely be more helpful than stopping everything. Maybe just set the smallest of goals. Accept that you're not going to stop thinking about this for a while. It still occupies my every thought, too. But I told myself that if I'm going to keep thinking about it, I at least need to function at the same time. It's not easy, but the concentrated effort is starting to pay off, little by little.

Do you think there might be a support group that meets in your area? I don't know if you speak German fluently or if you'd need an English-speaking group, but maybe finding people in your area who can relate to the heartbreak could give you something to focus on.

I hope that things start to improve for you soon. Sending gentle hugs your way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's positively brutal. I understand what you're saying about hoping you'd run into him. I had that same hope for awhile. When it happened, it was horrible. He approached me in a store and all I could think was "Don't cry, don't cry." I couldn't even think to walk away. It stirred everything back up and made me so sad.
Sometimes I think giving up hope is one of the hardest parts of all of this. Your situation has got to be extra difficult being so far away from your support system.
I don't want to sound like I'm trying to steal your post but I've experienced a lot of grief in the last two years due to an unusual number of deaths in my family (old age or illness) and then losing my boyfriend. In my experience, the ups and downs are really a normal part. You haven't had a lot of time yet and having just been home and all, it's understandable that you're feeling this way. I'm six months in and I'm still sad, I still miss him so much but after seeing him once, I never, ever want to again. It's too hard.
I hate people saying it takes time because I'm tired of this and I just want my life back to how it was before I met him but it really does take time.
All you can do is give yourself time, let yourself grieve and be sad and go through the emotions. As exhausting as it is, it really is an essential part of the healing process. Hugs to you!

It seems like I can't go 10 minutes without thinking about where he is right now... what he's doing... how he's feeling... if he's thinking about me. The way this all happened so out of the blue with no warning or indication for me just makes it that much harder to give up hope. I thought we were going to be together for the long haul... so did our friends, our families, and practically everyone who knew us as a couple. We were always the "non dramatic" ones... the ones who talked things through, never were codependent, did things together all the time but gave each other space too.... I thought we were so happy and so did everyone else. I literally used to mock-yell at him because he said "i love you" so much that I told him it was going to lose its meaning. And I guess it did. And it ended in one hour four weeks ago while we were 4000 miles apart, five days after we said a goodbye at the airport that I had no idea would be our last. I think every day about watching him go through that security gate and it all just still seems like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. Now we're so far apart and neither of us has any idea what the other is going through and I just can't make myself give up the hope that maybe this isn't real. That maybe he'll realize what he's done and he'll come back to me, or that he wants to come back to me but is too scared. I know this is untrue and such an unhealthy way to be thinking about things, but I can't make sense of anything and this is the only way I feel like I can go on right now... with a false hope in the back of my mind. This isn't how I want to be spending the days.

Aliaw, take a nice deep breath, as best you can try to calm your mind, as best you can try to slow down your heart and just breathe!

Please know and please try to take some comfort that when it comes to what your currently experiencing, "you are not alone"!

Many of us who are members of this on-line support group at various stages of their recovery, and or at one time or the other have thought or felt the exact same as you....your quote!

"It seems like I can't go10 minutes without thinking about where he is right now... what he's doing... how he's feeling... if he's thinking about me"!

Trust me, turst other who might chime in about what I'm saying here, but trust me......in time......this to shall pass!

I'm not perfect, my recovery has been full of pot hole, speed bumps, cracks in the road and foul weathered storms. And like you 100's of time I thought the same....."I wonder what she's doing right now" or "I wonder if she's okay" or "I wonder if she misses me" and the big kicker.....sometimes I'd even wonder "will she might ever come back to me"?

Again, I'm not perfect, I'm susceptible to thoughts and feeling like the next guy! But for myself, as time went on, these wondering thoughts slowed down, and now, 5 months later, their at a snails crawl. As Sarasalt has already advised, possibly looking into some type of support structure, like a support group would be good for you.

Time is the healer, but on the same side of the same coin, time can be the killer! Keeping ones self busy and occupied during situations such as this is the key! Daily Strength visits, local support groups, counseling, therapy, professional help, self help, self help books, gentle background music, eating well, long walks, working out, talking to friends and family, all these things can go a long way in regards to helping you now.

I can't speak for everyone else here, but for me, personally, what has helped the most, staying away from old photo's, pictures, images and such. Also staying away from things like social media, a.k.a. Facebook! Stay off that sucker as much as possible. Even if we are blocked by the other party, there's still enough information that can trickle through that can feed into our curiosity and temptations. I've been Facebook free for nearly 17 weeks now, by deleting my old account it prevents me from feeding into my temptation to "sneak a peek"! Heck banner images and profile pictures is all I need to make my own imaginative and sometimes twisted conclusions! Remember, when it comes to our Ex's, sometimes if not most, ignorance is bliss!

You'll get through this, it's just going to be one day at a time.......and there's the key word........"time"!