Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This July my wife of 14 years asked me for a divorce. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but we'd always agreed that neither of us believed in divorce and that if things started getting hard we would get help and work through it together. So it came as a total blindside when she asked for the divorce, refused to talk about things, refused counseling and moved out the same day. She pushed to get the paperwork in and complete as soon as possible which finalized last November.
All of this was heartbreaking but I was trying to make the best of things and be there for her and the kids.
Jump to last Wednesday when I was driving my kids to my ex's house. (I get them for a couple of hours every day after work). My oldest is talking about a friend he's been playing with so I asked if he was a friend from school or daycare. He responds with mom and kidsname's dad are boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a good thing I was on a straight stretch of road because I vapor locked at the wheel.
At this point I was about 2 blocks from her house so I had 0 time to process this information before dropping off the kids. My reaction was to give them both hugs/kisses, tell them I love them and spin on my heel to leave rather than have a reaction I wouldn't be proud of in front of the kids. She came storming out of the house yelling about how I didn't talk to her at drop-off. It should be noted that the new guy was there remodelling her house so I just said she had company over so I'd leave her to her evening. She stated that he was just there working on her house. After I raised my eyebrow at that she finally admitted that she was seeing somebody. We had an agreement that if we started seeing someone we'd talk together and then tell the kids together that something new was happening, obviously that didn't happen.
The kicker is that if she would have told me about the guy I would have been devastated but I'd be able to move on knowing that eventually she would find someone else (not barely letting the ink dry on the divorce papers but still). Not telling and then the lie right to my face has me has me thinking this has been going on for a lot longer than she's letting on and they finally decided they didn't care if the kids knew or not.
I can't shake the feelings of heartbreak, anger, rejection, betrayal, lust, jealousy, covetousness and a million others that are swirling around in my head. She feels nothing offering the absolute wisdom of "we're divorced you shouldn't care what I do."
At this point I've told her that I'll co-parent with her and not bad mouth her in front of the kids but we can never be friends like she says she wants (have cake, eat too!?) so obviously I'm the one who's in the wrong in her eyes.
We had a couple of outstanding things that still needed to be finished from our marriage (joint account, cell service, car title) that I just made her finish today.
Tonight I'm a mess. I'm hanging out in my living room with my kids and I keep having to leave to go and sob uncontrollably in my bedroom. They're confused as they spend a little time with me, a little time at theim mom's new place, some time at their mother in laws and to top it off they've got a new man staying the night at my ex's house. (I'm not prying believe me I don't want to know but my kids tell me about their interactions with the guy in the morning) I'm nowhere near ready to go out and find someone else after 18 years of my life with her. When I asked her to marry me I went all in! That she could just lay that aside so easily and have it not matter to her is such a foreign feeling that I don't even know how to register it.
I'm sorry if this is a bunch of random gibberish but I'm at such a complete loss all I can do is just kind of vent my stream of consciousness as it comes out.
I hope that this helps you feel less alone.
Spouse that is emotionally disconnected from
You and the marriage.
They already grieved and made their decision to
leave before they did anything. They Waited for the
right someone to come along and the right timing
and then they were done.
I personally believe in going to therapy and divorce
care, DC Helps with the grieving and the divorce.
Therapy To help you move thru all the feelings and
emotions.
I would not date until you are healed emotionally
You just end up bringing your stuff into the next
relationship and are not really working on yourself.
Let yourself grieve your losses, divorces are hard
On your children too and just do the best You can.
HUGS
I've started working out, eating healthy, quit nicotine and started getting some teeth fixed since last Wednesday. It's not much but it helps to be doing something for me for a change.
Last night was incredibly hard. Probably a combination of finishing the stuff between us, seeing the kids and realizing what I miss each night, and knowing that my ex has a full weekend to go out and bang her new boyfriend. (Is it fucked up that he looks VERY similar to me?)
I'm trying to take small solace in knowing that eventually her looks will fade and she'll still be a POS of a person.
I never thought I could feel love and utter hatred for a person at the same time. (How can I still have feelings of love towards her?)
Inner peace doesn't seem to matter to her. She's a total robot about this whole deal, it doesn't seem to bother her in the least that she's torn up a family and left me a husk of a man. How she doesn't get it is a mystery to me, her mom has been divorced 4 times and she caught the brunt of all of them.
She gets upset with me when I tell her that I'm not going to be her friend. She basically wants everything we had minus the intimacy which she's getting from a new man. I can't do that now and I don't care how much healing I go through I'm never going to be able to do that again. I can be a co-parent with her and not bash her the kids. Beyond that I'm giving her life into God's hands.
I did go and start seeing my pastor on Thursday to begin Christian counseling. Nothing really happened on the first meeting as it takes a LONG time to go through 18 years of being with someone.
I don't live in a large enough community to have a divorce group unfortunately so I'm taking it to here so I can at least have the company of others who have gone/are going through this around me.
Jojored - you gave me a minor heart attack when I saw your username. My ex is a redhead and her middle name is Jo so I called her Jojo all the time. Thought the moment I came out of my shell she'd found the post immediately.
and grieving both take a lot of time. Be gentle
And kind to yourself As much as possible.
You are not alone with a spouse that does not
Care anymore. Many act like she has, you are
No longer in her heart. My ex bonded with his
GF before he left they are still together and they
Had Been good friends since 2011.
Try to keep the other man out of your head as
Much as possible. It does you no good, the rejection
Is bad. That takes awhile to work thru and not
Have it be your go to emotion all the time. I had to
Substitute another thought before rejection got
to my Brain. It helped keep me sane during the
Whole process.
You are going to have the full range of feelings And
emotions in your grieving. Glad you have a pastor
To help you. I beat every bush i could find to get
Better and get thru this, divorce recovery takes time,
I had rage, anger, rejection, betrayal, abandonment,
Hurt and pain to move thru. I had to detach from him
And i left town after the divorce and went no contact.
For You keep it to limited contact. Only about the children
And financials. NO personal talk what so ever, it does you
No good and NO she is not your buddy, email or text only.
Try not to speak on the phone with her if at all possible, HUGS