Well to be honest it been a lil over a month things now have changed. Im being more paitent and waiting for her to come to me. Seems like it been doing exactly what is seems. We have been speaking alot more day by day. Still a lil distint. Which i can agree the fear and nervouness that ill go back to my old ways. Which is understandable. Im listening to her alot more with a shut mouth and open brain. She asked me to stop talking to people asking for advice unless its my counselour about my deep rooted issue that she belive as well as i that there was alot insucurties. 

She called me last night out of the blue we talked for two hours on the phone about the past and the changes we have both made over the month and the positive. How we can look forward to some day getting back togther there still an if in there. Which sucks but after all the pain i caused to her i got live with my choices. We talked about the past got alot of question asnwered. She told me there alot she still like about me. She also said ima good cacth which def bring positive. The moral of the conversation the way i took it as we talked about what happen everything that happened now we still need some time to heal from the pain. But we will never bring it up throw in eachother face if there is a hard time. Which we know there will be it will be tough at times but we also know we can get threw it if we decide to give it another chance.

We are still going very very slow i live else where now couple town over while her and the kids live at the apartment still we are considered single but she sad that i have my own place now. She cried about 3 times during are talk and i told her to calm down and breath. I have to pay for my action over the years i told her this is no slumber party for me. I dont talk to girls or throw partys i go to work come home read alot. My main focus is really saving my marriage ive told her that over and over. There has been past few mistakes on both parts that are still to raw. Im glad we got all of that out the way.. it does sound good that she thinks of me and we can talk without fighting or argueing anymore. Its all seems to be leaning in the big R which is def i think what we both want.

I dont tell her how negative i am being apart which i am i hate it. I hate the fact that we could go down the dicorce i hate the fact that we fought alot i hate the fact that she tried to move on from me. I hate everything about being apart from her my mond goes crazy with alot of negative. At the end of the day i hate the fact that i deep down created all this. When i could have just been happy not pushed her away. I hate the fact that i tried to hide from reality and my demons i had in my self i hate the fact that i left her tried to move on as well. Which didnt work. I hate the fact that i love this girl so much that she is indeed my soulmate and i try tohide all my love from her. Which in fact created this diaster. So do i hate my self yes i do. Am i fixing my self yes i am. By IC also reading alot has def opened my eyes. Her haveing a restraing order on me. Has def opened my eyes to the man i was becomeing i will never go down that path again. 

Also there things that you just cant hide. One being no matter how hard you try why do we always end up back togther? Why? Have you ever just sat an wondered what does god have instore for me. I got a verse yesterday that said. I quote" No discipline seems pleasent at the time. But painful. Later on however it produces a harvest of rightouness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I can take that as a walk in my life. I treated my wife like a jerk unloveing marriage where she felt like a slave where was my discipline in all the times we got togther again. What did i learn that i can just treat her that way. Now this is a little diffrent. My action are being punished. By all means god is there for you always in time of need. Sometimes the way you have to learn is to really lose everything. To wake up actually see. I do agree tough love is hard on people sometimes tho you need it when u cant really see.

So there is alot of positive about going down the R road if we do things the right way. One is not rush back in 2 take the time to really help eachother alongbthe way. The psst is dead exactly it should always be dead when ur with that someone you love. You creat a future your dreams your life togther support one another along the way. 

The books his and her needs aswell as love busters are very good on what a marriage should need. If u love someone then it should be easy to figure it out. But love get covered up by life getting in the way u thinking negative things. If you truly belive that there is a devil and a god. God hates divorce the devil worships on sin divirce is a sin. You need to be at piece with your self. Or the devil will pray on you everyday. He controls you if your weak he controls you like a puppet.. so you need to learn to love your self and be hapoy in your self. Dont dwell on the past bad thats devil yiu need to follow gods path god is the future you create with him he will make u stronger and loyal and more faithfull.

Be happy everyday be glad to wake up. Be glad you got family friends and kids that love you. Be glad you were born to walk this planet. Just be happy. I know someone people are going through the divorce and some of you are seperated like me. This does not mean the end. Sometimes you just have to grow as your own person to really see that this is a wake up call to being happy. If it was meant to be you havd to be paitent and not try to create a love or find a love. It will find you. It could be your wife or your husband. Or someone new. You never will know till you walk the oath with god by your side.. i think i have found my meant to be...