Probably when you don't have to ask this question? when you just feel like going out?

i've heard several people mention going to the website meetup.com

it isn't a dating site, it is a site where you can put in the area that you live, select hobbies or interests you either have or want to try, and then it tells you when/where there are groups meeting if you want to join them. i plan to do this when i feel more ready to meet people. that way, you can meet some people with a shared interest. it could help you to socialize, but without the pressure of necessarily dating. but you might also meet someone there you'd like to think of dating. its sort of just a socialization organizing site. knowing you're ready to date, or thinking maybe you are, is a hard thing, sometimes you don't really know until you try, and group settings can be less pressure.

big hugs!

I tried dating about 6-7 months post breakup and while I met a nice girl I had to end it. I wasn't ready. I assume you are when you are. If u feel like it isn't then don't. Get comfortable being alone, that's what I want to do. I don't want a relationship just to be in one. They're too much work anyways and I'm not going through this again just to settle. No way.

I guess I'm torn between wanting to be able to be happy alone (which I feel like I am to a certain extent) vs the potential happiness (but also the potential stress/anxiety) of meeting someone new & moving forward.

You don't say in your original post how long you were married before you got divorced and I think that plays into how soon you're ready move on to a next relationship. I've heard the timeline for healing is roughly 1 year of healing/per 5 years of marriage. I'm not sure how accurate that is but a lot of folks swear by it. Regardless, I think jumping into another relationship because you don't want to be alone is a recipe for future disaster.

Let the dust settle and like copingjust said: Once you don't have to ask that question, you're probably ready.

Sending support
lemaym1.wordpress.com

I have been divorced over a year although we were seeing each other off and on. He has just started dating a new girl and I can't imagine doing it. My heart is still healing and although I am lonely a lot, I don't want to date just to be with someone. I am going to wait until something happens in my soul and says it's time. I think when it is you will know.

Thanks for all of the responses. A part of me feels like testing the waters & "getting back out there" could be part of the healing process, but I agree that rushing into a relationship is not the best idea. I feel like I'm waiting for some big aha moment that tells me I'm ready, but at the same time, what if that moment never comes & I just go about my normal routine & don't put myself back out there?

To fill in some of the blanks, I've been legally divorced for about a year, though she left about a year before that & emotionally checked out even earlier. The marriage was a little less than 7 years, but I spent about 10 years of my life with her. We still get along & co-parent our 2 boys (6 & 4) which is a blessing and a curse. I'm glad we sort of get along, but I feel like I may never get the chance to gain closure because we always have contact with each other because of the boys.

I sure don't have any answers, as my divorce is not even final yet. But I'm kind of in the same boat because I have 3 young children with my ex. I know exactly what you meant about it being a blessing and a curse when you get along. Of course it is better for the kids that way, but I also wonder if I will ever heal since he has to be in my life so much. We can't have quite the same closure as the people who can go "no contact." I'm sure I'll have more to post along these lines as I try to process and figure all this stuff out.
Anyway, I hope you can find some peace in your journey.

berg, I think you're missing it right here.

"I feel like I may never get the chance to gain closure"

I'm guessing you haven't defined what really means 'closure' for you. You're seeing it as an abstract form, not a reality to embrace. Do you really want closure or is there a part of you hanging on because you want to? Fully answer yourself. What closes this chapter so you can start another one? What would set your spirit free?

Good question Larry5577 I think I need to ponder them myself. Thanks

Yeah, I guess I don't know what closure is for me. Maybe it's eventually finding someone else. Maybe it's just being fully happy on my own and with my boys. My point was that I don't have the ability to go no contact, which seems like it would speed up the healing process.

Here's my two cents again Berg and as always it can be taken with a grain of salt.

In your last post you're talking about three separate things.

1. Closure
2. State of mind
3. Duration of healing process.

Earlier you were talking about dating again and a popular response to that is, "you're ready to date when you feel you don't have to". I never have agreed 100% with that statement but it does impart some safeguards against falling prey while a person is vulnerable. It has its merits, but, a grain of salt.

Closure is unanswered questions that are affecting your ability to make firm choices in matters. Lack of closure will cause a person to vacillate in their thoughts because certain answers will sway your ultimate decision. Without these answers we question new situations because we haven't yet resolved the old. Even when we are certain, the unknown will tell us we're not, so we procrastinate in deciding things because we just aren't sure anymore, which is a decision within itself. An answer many fail to consider is that there is no answer. This can actually be one of the most liberating answers you may come across. A TOTAL acceptance that it 'just is' is one of the quickest ways to find resolve, but you have to really feel it, believe it, not just think it.

State of mind, where you said, "Maybe it's just being fully happy on my own and with my boys", how about we just stick with contentment instead? Happiness is too subjective. Contentment puts you on solid ground, happiness can bounce you around like a rubber ball. One precedes the other and there are those who chase happiness all their life, discontented, the cart's ahead of the horse.

No contact can reduce the pain which in turn should speed up the healing process, (if you define healing as reduction in pain). The severe pain from my divorce dissipated long ago but I'm still not healed. No contact can delay the inevitable, which in turn can slow the healing process. Out of sight, out of mind, but eventually they'll come within sight again, (unless no kids and someone moves far away not to return). Chances are the avoidance by no contact delays a yet to experience healing episode. Chances are the person is stronger later on and can deal with the contact better, (or worse depending on the avenue taken). So yeah Berg, seeing her is likely making it feel like the healing process is taking longer but by dealing with it now you'll have it behind you sooner. Six of one half dozen of the other. Which really is worse? Both suck.

I'm surprised those around you are pressuring you to get out there and date. Those around me think I've got it made not having to listen to some woman bellyache about crap and tell me I should be doing this or that. There are silver linings in every situation. It seems to me we want most what we don't have and when we get it we wonder why we wanted it. Peculiar creatures us people are. If you just sit back and watch for a bit the entertainment is priceless!

Go for the dating, what do you have to lose? An experience or two? Just try not to jump right into, "she's the ONE". Get your feet wet before diving in. Have fun.

You make some interesting observations, Larry. It's food for thought. Thanks.

I think I'm feeling like I need to change something or take action of some sort to reach a state of feeling content, as you put it. I've been in a bit of a "vicious cycle" for awhile now (moments of anxiety mostly & just not quite feeling myself) & I want to be "normal" again. There just doesn't seem to be an easy answer, and maybe I just need to accept that. But if I can/need to do something to help the process, I want to.

Well, I did start going out on dates within a couple of months.
I made it one of my focuses to find a new partner.
I made some nice friends
I learnt what it feels like to be treated well again

Eventually I met my girlfriend who I live with now...one year after separation

Still had to go through all my pain process and still do

But have a present and a future with someone new

We dated 6 months before I moved in with her....and we plan to marry in a year or so

The past hurts....and confuses me...after 19 years together

But I choose to have what I want in life now