Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm 34 and married for 4 years. I met him 7 years ago and we lived together for 2 before marriage. Shortly after we married, he started drinking heavily. It's escalated to 4 to 6 days a week. He barely works - a few hours a week part time retail just above minimum wage. He used to have a professional job. I pay all the bills. He gets up around 1 pm most days and drinks until 1 am or so. When he works he drinks before and after. Goes in hung over or tipsy. Is now on probation at work as called out too much while drunk and even showed up drunk a cop or times. When drunk he alternates between ignoring me and mocking and yelling at me. He's been violent twice. Claims to have no memory of the last time. We have never had sex. First it was no sex before marriage then on wedding night he told me he had hang ups and wasn't interested.
I'm fed up and ready to leave and yet not ready. I gave him an ultimatum to get into treatment before our apartment lease ends in September or I'll leave. He's promised to get help countless times and never followed through. Years of this. Now he's hiding the alcohol but still drinking. Not as many days. When sober he's showering me in gifts and being supper nice, but he's not getting treatment. Angry and yells when I press him. I know I'm going to have to follow through on the ultimatum.
But I'm terrified. I love him sober. I grieve losing that. I'm also terrified that when I leave him I'll never find anybody again. I'm a post op transwoman. I had the final reassignment surgery 3 years before I met my husband. Told him on the third date. Only the second guy I dated post surgery who didn't freak and dump me right away. I worry nobody will ever want me again. I'll be alone and never have a family. We were going to adopt kids together. But we can't do that while he's not sober and since we got married I found out from his mother he's been a drunk since high school. Was sober just weeks before met me. Had history of DUI's and losing jobs due to drinking. Can't stay with him, but can't see future without him either. Therapist helps but can only see her once a month.
So here I am. Hope I'm doing the right thing. Or am I crazy. Should I stay?
I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely and married. I had the later, it sucked. I'm now newly single, not dating, but don't consider myself lonely. I think of myself as free. I think it's time for you to be free too.
As for him being a dad, he's no role model. You'd be better off being a single mom yourself. You've already broken through a few barriers to finding your happiness, keep going.
One more thing - after years of putting up with my passive aggressive ex-husband's BS, I finally gave him an ultimatum. He understood it, it was clear what I needed from him. I reminded him of it (cause that's what I would do, that's how I was sucked into his passive aggressiveness) and when the day came and went and he did not follow through with what he promised, I filed for divorce. He was shocked that I did it. That ultimatum, and his lack of response to it, gave me the clarity that I needed. He would never change. I hope you have the courage to follow through.
In alanon the whole 30 years i was married. I did
Not start until 2012 and that was the best thing i
Ever did For me along with therapy and divorce
care. I needed as much help as possible.
Generally you marry what you know and come
From so i literally have a lifetime to recover from.
HUGS