Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Have recently broken up with my girlfriend. And by recently I mean three months ago she dumped me pretty much. But being the conflict avoidant she is, nothing ever felt final and it happened gradually in stages. I always had hope for reconciliation. But I should probably point out that three and a half months ago I found out she cheated on me. Two months after we moved in together. I chose to work on it and so did she to begin with. But then she wanted space so she stayed at a friends for a few days, Then I went back to stay at my dads for a while so she could have the space as she said we couldn't work it out in the same house. Then she pretty much in vague words said we were over, a couple of times, but being the love addict that I am I refused to accept it. She was my soul mate. Even though I eventually laid off her and we made no contact for a while i still had the hope that we would get it together. Three days ago I found out she's sleeping with the woman that she cheated on me with and has been for a couple of weeks. The pain is unbearable. I feel like I'm dying. The pain of being away from her was bad enough when all I crave is her closeness. I literally thought the pain couldn't get any worse. But it has. I don't need to hear that I'm better off without her, because as much as I hate her I still love her. I'm still barely accepting the fact that we're bad for each other right now. How do I deal with this pain?????
Don't go around the pain. Fight through it. I know it's hard. I'm dealing with it right now. I don't want to hear I'm better off either. I want to hear that she's coming back someday and will realize what a great guy I am someday. But the sad truth is: If our exes are already dating, sleeping or seeing someone else? Chances are they don't love us or respect us anymore. I want to fight for my ex everyday. I want her back. But would you give me the advice to do that?? No because would I really want her back because I begged. Or do I need to stand tall and love myself enough to not look for her?
If you did something wrong then yes you need to own up to it and apologize. But if she cheated on you and left then YOU are the victim here and YOU deserve to be apologized to.
I know it hurts. I know the nights and mornings are unbearable. Trust me I know. I have days like today which I just can't even drag myself out of bed because the pain in my chest, the anxiety, the depression and the tears wont let me.
I feel you. I understand you. You are not alone in this.
Psychologists say that after a break-up, especially if you have tried to contact her or begged or asked, etc. You should have a period of 30 days no contact. Even if she contacts you, you shouldn't respond. Why? Because those 30 days are a cool off period. It gives you a chance to stop acting so emotional and start acting smart. It gives youa chance to really think about if you actually want her back or if by the end you will decide she's not worth it. And it gives Her a chance to miss you.
Right now nobody wants to hear: there are other fish in the sea. She's not worth your time, move on, why would you want to get back together with someone who cheats, you're better off, etc etc....as true as all those things are, we can only focus on one thing. I love her and want her back. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
So the best way to handle things is this way; face your present reality. Is she with you or someone else? If she wanted to be with you she woukd be. So what now? Now you accept what's going on and you do what you have to do. You make yourself strong for now and you stay gone. Give her a chance to miss you. If you are constantly there at the snap of her fingers she won't respect that. You need to be GONE. And I know the fear of "out of sight our of mind" and the fear that she will forget you. But the flip side is worse. If you push she won't forget you. She will forget her respect for you and her love for you.
I think I have written too much already.
The pain is real. The ideas in your head and the scenarios playing in your head are not. Don't live your life in those scenarios. Be aware of what is real and what is not.
Stay Strong. Don't contact her. Fight through the pain.
BIG HUG
In my case it caused me to behave more erratically as my anxiety grew and has enabled her to have ammo to justify why the end was necessary and not her fault. Like you, we had just moved to a new place together, however to date she is still there...
I have been a bit of a basket case since the bust up (about 6 weeks ago), but you know what I am starting to see some light. Be nice to yourself where you can and get to know you again. Get some power back and no contact really is the best way to get some clarity for yourself. Believe me, I have done the begging, the phone calls, the texts and it really does do a diservice to the great person I am sure you are (and that she fell in love with.)
Work on that.
I keep on imagining all these scenario's and it's crazy, they can't all be true and it's a method of self torture and it's not reality.
The only thing you can do is get out of bed in the morning, go about your business and then go to bed at night and make sure you keep breathing in between.
I hate the no contact thing too, I'm only 4 days in to no contact, and it hurts so much. I have not done very well at it though at the start, and i feel like i lost my dignity a bit.
Don't think of it as a way to get her back, you almost certainly won't. It's for you to heal and not torture yourself. Every time you contact her you will feel worse by the end of it.
Time is the great healer, you can help it work by making effective use of it.