Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
(Sorry for the length of this post, need to get it all out there)
I met this girl in September of 2015. She was 20 I was 23. She was fresh out of a bad, abusive relationship (or so she told me.) We went on dates for 2 months or so. I was interested but even at the beginning, felt like it just wasn't the right person for me. She was very immature but I just justified it because of the age difference. I was in law school and definitely need a distraction so I kept pursuing it. But then she got back with her ex, out of nowhere. She didn't even have the decency to text me, I found out via snap chat when her ex was at her family christmas party. She reached out to me a few days later as if nothing happened. When I called her out on it, she immediately turned the tables and said I overreacted and that it wasn't what it seemed, etc. Had my mind in a pretzel, and I eventually talked to her again a few days later. Just very manipulative, which you will see is a theme in our 2 year off and on relationship...
She slept with him on New Years and said it was because I was mean to her on the phone. She took him back officially a few weeks later before she went abroad for the spring semester. She reached out to me every few weeks and basically acted like nothing happened, saying how she truly wanted to be with me and how much she missed me and stuff like that. This whole time she still had the boyfriend. He cheated on her in May of 2016 and she broke up with him in June. At this point she relentlessly tried to get me back, always blaming her own psychological and personal issues for what happened the previous winter. After a few weeks of her persistence, I gave her another chance.
I told her she could not have contact with the ex, which I thought was reasonable and frankly didn't understand why she would want to talk to him anyways. Things went okay for 2-3 months but I just didn't trust her still. I tried hard but couldn't. Then one day we got in a fight and she readded him on social media that night and reached out to him, seemingly just to make me upset. She had a way of phrasing things and manipulating things as to where it was my fault, or that I was overreacting. She would say things like "I have never done anything to intentionally hurt you."
She refused to delete him, saying that I couldn't be so controlling and she could talk to whoever she wanted to. She then deleted ME on social media on valentines day and wrote on his page with an old picture of him and her dog saying "happy valentines day" with a heart. I could not believe it. I broke it off and didn't talk to her for 2 weeks or so, ignoring all phone calls and texts and emails and facebook messages.
Eventually, I caved. I felt like she had this chokehold on me I could not escape. She tried really hard for 2-3 months to make things better, but then once again, things changed. She started going out to dinners and other stuff like plays, movies, etc. with this guy who had admitted his feelings for her. She made me feel so bad for being uncomfortable with it. She always said how he was just a friend and that she couldn't believe I was so controlling and insecure.
I then caught her lying about ANOTHER guy being at her apartment for a pregame, which really wasn't a big deal, but I just couldn't believe she could look me in the eyes and lie about something so small. It made me realize how much I just couldn't trust her. To make matters worse, she blamed me for HER lying to me. She instantly said "it is so messed up I can't even be honest with you because you are so insecure and jealous of me having guy friends." It really hurt my feelings.
At this point, she had been super mean to me probably once a week for no reason for about two months. I would bring her coffee while she studied, text her supportive things while she was going through law school, etc. She would snap back sharp texts like "whatever, thanks." for seemingly no reason. Her mom even called her out for being so mean to me and cautioning her not to push me away for good. I was so frustrated and felt like I had to walk on egg shells. She would also randomly say how she resented me because she "put my happiness above hers" after the valentines day episode, how I was selfish for letting her try to make it up to me instead of her caring about her own happiness, etc.
Finally, about a month ago, I got the courage to say enough is enough and break up with her. She cried to me saying how she couldn't believe I would quit on her and stuff like that. Yet 5 days go by and she is posting pictures with a new guy on social media. This guy was a guy she met two weeks before we broke up and she, unprompted, told me twice how he lived with his girlfriend and that I shouldn't worry. A simple facebook search showed he is single. I was so heartbroken to see the pictures. I deleted her on all social media and blocked her phone number. So many irrational thoughts came in my mind. Why is he going to be enough for her and I wasn't? Is she just going to move on and be happy and not be sad at all about our break up?
She emailed me 10 times this past Sunday night saying how we could still work things out and how she knows I want to talk to her and that she knows I am struggling. It feels so abusive. She has a new guy and is still emailing me. Just like when she took back her ex when she was abroad and still texting me. I feel like there was probably overlap between this new guy and me, and that makes it really hard too.
I am on day 12 of no contact and no social media stalking. I deleted the apps from my phone altogether for the time being. I feel very sad that she has a new guy already, even though the rational part of me knows its just a rebound and she is just trying to fill a void and terrified to be alone. She hasn't changed at all in 3 weeks. She has a very low self esteem and battles with eating issues, and I used that as an excuse to always put up with the poor behavior. I felt so bad for her issues and wanted to help as much as I could, but she would not seek professional help and didn't really seem to want to address her issues that much.
I just feel so sad. She is on my mind all day. Literally all day. Everything in the city reminds me of her. I have talked to a therapist, I have vented to my family and friends for hours. I have been going to the gym everyday and trying to meditate and read and basically do anything possible to be happier. I just am struggling to shake this feeling so much.
She lied to me numerous times. She basically cheated on me. She manipulated me into thinking most things were my fault. I lost confidence in myself and my ability to correctly identify a situation. And yet I feel like a crazy person because I get these moments where all I want to do is talk to her, which I know is so messed up.
I could use some words of encouragement or any other helpful things. I have improved a little and I know it is still only a few weeks into the break up, but it just feels so overwhelming sometimes.
Younger girlfriend seems to be running the entire relationship. She lied and manipulated you, and yet for some godforsaken reason you kept coming back for more. I have to say this is one of more unhealthy relationships I've encountered. You're a real smart guy, but she's just a little smarter and narcissistic to boot. The problem is she cheated and instead of having to prove herself, you allowed her to just 'make it up to you'.
Whether you realize it or not, you're caught up in a young woman's narcissistic drama show and it ain't gonna end any time soon. You said she has low self-esteem, eating issues and is extremely deceitful and manipulative for very little reason. This all screams axis II personality disorder. Many people struggle their entire lives with these types of issues. A personality issue is not something you get a little therapy for and turn your life right around. It's something that takes a high level of motivation and years of intense psychotherapy to resolve..
I know this is going to be difficult for you to understand but she can't possibly love you, because she can't worrying about herself and what she wants and needs long enough to focus on anyone else. She's attracted to the power and control games she plays with you and is probably confused enough to actually think that is love. The problem is, you know better.
The cold hard fact is, you did the only thing you could do. You realized that you were never going to be able to love her all better and you got out. That was the best decision you've made thus far.
Imagine what being married to this person would be like. During the normal ups and downs of a lifetime commitment, such as bar exams, the birth of children, deaths of loved ones and dealing with a financial stressors, couples need to come together and support each other to weather the storm. With her particular subset of issues, I'm certain you can see her behavior escalating to gigantic proportions when the stress is heaviest. You would essentially be in a loveless marriage, trying to manage children, and life stressors as well as your wife's unpredictable drama constantly.
I advise that you respect this situation as the near miss it was, intentionally occupy your mind with other matters and retrain yourself to not think of her. I've recommended this to others. Put a nice thick rubber band around your wrist and give it a good strong snap every time you begin thinking of her. This is you retraining yourself using the basics of negative reinforcement.
There are a lot of really exciting young ladies out there who be thrilled to have your attention. Why waste all the time and energy on the one who literally does not have the capacity to make your happy?
For what it's worth, I think you stayed as long as you did because you're a good guy with hero complex.
Do I want her raising my children.
If you don't then the relationship has to end and you need to find someone stable, honest, fair, good hearted and intelligent.
And thank you Bridgie, I definitely do not. I have always justified her behavior with thoughts like "she will grow out of this phase, she is immature but will get better as we get older" but I can't keep clinging to potential. She has shown who she is, and her actions should speak a lot louder than the words she uses to try and justify all the mean and dishonest stuff she has done.
2. The length of your post indicates that you want to change her and you're realizing its a useless waste of time. Like Gutted said, you don't need the drama.
3. NOT everything is your fault, it surprises me you stuck with her as long as you did.
Anyway, this is their MO. They treat you terribly and maniputively, then try to get you back with how much they love you etc, then try to make you jealous etc. etc. Whether this girl has a full on personality disorder or is just seriously screwed up, she is no good for you and she never will be. A break-up with someone like this is difficult, especially if you have not dealt with this kind of person before. It is very confusing, you can't understand how they could treat you so badly. But keep in mind, this person does not think or feel like you. They are entirely motivated by their own narcissistic needs. She only wants to feel like you will never get over her, you are jealous, she has you on a string if she wants you back. If she has npd, she will never change, she is wired that way. If she's borderline or just really fucked up, well, she has a lot of looooooong years ahead (and therapy) of her before she might, and i mean might, like very small possibility, change. She's not going to do it at this age and not for you.
So, long story short, just wait it out. You will get over your heart break. Keep venting to people, it's ok. Some of us need to talk about it 50 times before we can finally put it away (I'm like that...unfortunately for my family and friends haha). Also, look up npd, it can help you process what has happened to you.
It's funny because I am still friends with my old boyfriend (casual friends). I put "narcissist" in quotes for him because he is not really, he's just kind of fucked up and selfish and self centred but he can be really funny and I'm not immune to his charms. Anyway, long story short, I hadn't seen him for years and we went out for a coffee recently as I was struggling with chronic illnesses and he reached out to me. I left that coffee date sooooooo happy that I was out of that relationship (and with someone loving), because although I thought when I was in it that I was ok, that he hadn't affected me on a deep level, I very quickly reverted to the person I was when I was with him while we were having coffee. And that person is very quiet and subservient...I barely said anything...or rather, I said something when I was allowed to...it's a subtle thing with him. But it's all about power and it's all about him. And I realized how much he actually did fuck me up. Anyway, I don't mind him on my facebook page but I won't be seeing him again. So rest assured, some day you will find someone cool who loves you and you will wonder at the person you were and what you put up with in this relationship. And it will feel like a big opening or sigh of relief. Also, you are actually very lucky to have come across this kind of person early in your life when the stakes are lower (i.e. no kids, no living together, no marriage etc). You know what to look for now and what to stay away from. Take care :)
I think what has been the most difficult thing to accept is that she is not actually a good person. She was great maybe 25% of the time. I idealize and romanticize thinking back on these good moments, and fail to remember how bad I felt when she would go out and not text me back for hours and post flirtatious snap chats with other guys, hide me on social media unless she was trying to make up for a situation like after valentine's day, etc. I have struggled to accurately reflect on our relationship, instead of looking back through rose colored glasses.
I have tried to keep reminding myself that it only would have gotten worse the longer I allowed everything to go on. I think I knew deep down a while ago that it was not going to work out, I just struggle with embracing change and stubbornly thought I could fix things/she would change.
I also was just afraid thinking I would end up regretting it. The fact that she emailed me saying "we can work things out" after she already started dating a new guy really showed her true colors to me though.
She tried to manipulate every situation to make me feel like I was this bad guy. I was not perfect, I definitely did become more controlling the last few months. But wouldn't most people be a little more controlling after being lied to and betrayed like I had been? Especially when she is the type of girl who had her phone glued to her hand, but wouldn't text me back for hours on end when she was out doing whatever she was doing. I guess it was my fault for not having the courage to walk away sooner.
Then last night her mom texted me, asking that I please talk with her daughter. I couldn't believe she would reach out to me, because we were never close like that and it was the first time she had ever texted me. Again, I did not respond.
Day 16 of No Contact, I am feeling much improved. I am starting to see her manipulation a bit clearer instead of just romanticizing our past. Thank you all for your support.