Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ive not wrote here in a while. I’ve started several but get too emotional and ultimately give up. This month would’ve been 8 years of marriage. This June will have been three years since I discovered her affair. It’s now almost two months since our divorce was finalized. We decided to go through the divorce in November of last year when she told me she was done fighting for it. She no longer wanted something that required so much work. I asked her to divorce and in as little as 3 months 7 years of marriage and 12 years together just dissolved. I know everyone has their own battles and struggles that others may not be aware of but it’s seemed so easy for her. For me the pain was and still sometimes is too much to contain. A song. A smell. Even a similar laugh or voice from across the room can solicit a deep welling of emotions. Reminding me of what once was and now is not. I miss her dearly. I miss the smell of her perfume lingering in the bathroom of the mornings. I hate that big bed of mine that we shared. It’s never seemed more uncomfortable. I’m so lonely at night with no one to talk to about my day. I can bring myself to finish sorting through the seemingly endless boxes of things things we’ve accumulated together. Each containing pieces of memories of the life we shared. Some incorrectly foreshadowing our future. The countless love notes we left for each other. Just the sight of her handwriting is enough to kill the highest of highs. The scrunched cursive letters, slightly tilted on a note she scribbled on her way out of the door before work reminds me of a time when I was clearly on her mind as much as she is on mine. I’m so torn. Because I yearn for her. My heart pines. My mind will remind me of her betrayal, her dishonesty and her lack of loyalty and yet, it never seems to be great enough to make me move on. I’m always coming back to her and that life. It makes me so angry that I couldn’t forgive sooner. I know i put her through hell once I discovered the affair. Questioning everything. Demanding that she make our relationship a priority. I failed to realize that I wasn’t able to forgive her. I was afraid of being alone. I carried that throughout the 2.5 years we spent attempting to rebuild us. She continued to lie and expect me to get over it. Often asking how long does she have to live paying for her mistakes. Why do we love so hard? Why can’t we let go of the things that are hurting us. I can’t. She’s everything I’ve know. I still feel so broken.
Get me and I feel like I’m back to ground zero . And I’m still baffled at how the other party is fine. Maybe not on the inside I know I know ... but anyone who comes across them notices how completely fine they are . Yet I’m still
Heartbroken and can’t seem to shake it . I want to forgive and forget ... I’m still working on how to. Good luck and I’m here to talk
Something else you said really struck a chord with me: "Why do we love so hard?" The thing is, many people don't. That you do is a credit to you. It makes you special, and a cut above all of the men who can't truly commit. That she didn't love as hard is on her, not you. You deserve a woman who is going to love you as hard as you love her, and those amazing, wonderful women definitely do exist. Your ex isn't one, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you will be able to gain closure and move on to find the love of your life that you deserve.
Getting over a relationship that captivated your heart isn't a twelve-step program that you can just take step by step and know where it's going to end up. It's a struggle, and many, many times it's one step forwards, two steps back. Don't let that discourage you. Psychologists even have a name for it: recycling. It's inevitable, and if you know it's going to happen, you won't beat yourself up for "failure" that is just part of the natural process.
I'm not trying to discourage you from seeking professional counseling, but there are some books that I have personally found very helpful. One is "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott. But most of the "breakup books" tend to be written by women, for women. There's a lot of great advice there, but women and men do face different issues in many respects. Men have a lot fewer choices when it comes to advice on dealing with the end of a relationship. I highly recommend "No Breakup Can Break You: The Definitive Recovery Guide for Men", available on Kindle for $4.99. If you don't own a Kindle, buy the cheapest one available and then buy this book.
One final note of advice. Eventually, you are going to have to forgive her. Not because she deserves it, but because you do. I'll admit, I'm still having a really tough time with this one, but it's the only way we'll move on to healthier, loving relationships. So just know that I'm still struggling too, still regressing from time to time, but am completely confident that I'm headed in the right direction, and so are you. Seriously. Count on it.