Hey ESL, long time.

Welcome to the stage we talked about that you would get to; the Anger stage. Just cus you are angry, doesn't mean that you don't harbor feelings for that person anymore. When you love someone, it isn't that easy to flush them from your system regardless of how they treat you, time that has passed, and so on.

I notice a few things to where you have grown or progressed from where you were just last November, when last I remember seeing you, (been away myself). You standing up to her, not accept her "ownership" of all parts of your life when she has made the decision to leave your life. You did good.

But just because you did good, that doesn't mean you won't break down after the fact or continue to have those moments of reminiscing, wishing, and wondering. So much was and is still unsaid from her side. You allowed it for so long. So it won't be easy to get past. Its not a step back, its just another thing on the list to learn to take care of so you can be fully healed, over what was and on to what is; whether with her or not.

Her comment about moving forward with divorce is confusing. its been a long while since she has made her decision, so her comments seem odd to me. Almost like she is wondering if that last thread of string she tugs at you with is gone. its kind of inconsiderate of her to bring it up, knowing you. It was self serving. Your response though was classic and well said.

With all that said, and as I have always said, as you go through this, you have to give yourself a break. You can't expect to get from 1 to 10 without touching numbers, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and 9. try to acknowledge whatever progress you make towards handling this situation and your interactions with her.

hang in there

ESL, my wife pulls the same thing. I can tell you will absolute conviction that my wife wants to know that I still have deep feelings for her. As I exert more and more control over my feelings and stand up to the bulldozing me to get her way, she will say things like I am being mean to her or heartless. She has even stated, "I am not sure you are against the divorce any more." I was blown away. Of course emotionally I feel traumatized by the loss of my love, marriage and family unit, but her actions have put this relationship way past the point of no return.I had to bite my tongue.

I admire your own resolve to stand up to her when she waltzed in expecting you to beg for her affection or attention or whatever she was looking to get from you. Kudos! Keep it up. I know things are hectic and stressful. I have primary custody of my own boys and it seems like a lot on me too. I immerse myself in the responsibilities to them. Find purpose and saticefaction from being the best father you can be.It won't be easy and if they are teens like mine, just surviving day to day is a victory in itself.

Please stay in touch. Your kind and sensitive words have been missed on this site. I know there are many of us anxious to hear of your progress, as we want to help support you through this.

I for one truly hope to hear from you, brother.

Thank you all. It's still the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The internal conflict seems daily. My kids are 4 and 3. I'm sad more for them then anything else. They deserved so much better. My time alone with them is hard. I sometimes break down during this time because it becomes overwhelming. But I struggle through for them. I have been trying to put as much space between her and I as I can. My daughters bday was a topic recently. It's in June. When I told her I think it's best we keep it seperate. She responded with she wished I could find the strength for 2 hours to be together for it and she wished I tried for the kids benefit. I responded with where was your strength to work on our marriage and where was your effort for there benefit. I'm at a point where I don't want to be in the same town let alone same room as her. I'm sickened by the sight of her and thought of the destruction she has caused to me and more importantly our kids. Not sure if I'm right. But it's just how I feel.

I am in the same boat. I wish my wife would leave the state. Unfortunately she stays in my house on the days that are hers with the boys. She stays elsewhere when she want s to party or date (yes.we are still married). I won't kick the mother of my children out and in my state she legally does not have to vacate until 30 days after the divorce is final. That will mean I will have to endure the painful reminders and her hurtful actions from her presence until mid May. I do like the 100 time with my boys, though. Honestly I do wish we could work better as a team and she be more friendly. She manages it occasionally but then bashes me or does something disrespectful on a daily basis.

Praying for strength and peace for you, ESL.

You are going thru the grieving process. Anger is often the feeling we use to keep ourselves from feeling the hurt, sadness & other feelings. It can be a good thing, in that it helps us to feel powerful & spurs us on to take action. It can also be unhealthy when we stay angry and don't take steps to deal w/the other feelings. But this takes time & the amount of time it takes is very personal.

We can't make it all go away, but we can heal. It's hard to know what to do. That's why I suggest you join a grief group and do some sessions w/a qualified grief therapists.

The grief process isn't linear, but there are lots of great tools a therapist can offer that will help you process it.

Also, check out this book, " Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends." I attended a local Rebuilding 12 week course and they also offered some very helpful tools, like writing a 'good bye' letter(s) that included everything you will and won't miss about her.

I'm not sure if they still offer local workshops, but the book will have some helpful information & believe there is now also a workbook.

Hi ESL,
If I were in your shoes, and my ex walked in the house any time she wanted to, I would feel I had no privacy at all. I would remedy that situation real fast, by some little lock on the inside of the door. You have the right to not have to put up with her mind games, or barging in on you unannounced. This gives her lots of mind power.
It sounds like she knows exactly what to say to you to throw you off or makes you feel bad. I'm glad at least you are feeling angry as everyone else would too.
I think I wouldn't bother talking to her anymore until, or if she ever stops the mind games. It sounds like everything she says, she is baiting you, and it works for her. Just don't respond to those things she says.Of course important things about the kids is different.
She is running your life and has you worked up all the time, thinking about her.
You won't be able to move on or start to not feel so empty till you can distance yourself. You need to be concentrating on your kids and the future without her in it.
It is your life and you may do as you want. It's your choice.
I wish you luck

Notenuf: sorry you are still struggling...

ESL: You are going through what you should and what most go through at various stages and sometimes, years later.

I echo both TrueColors and Gem; solid information and kind words of advice.

I dig that you are having a voice in your reactions to her. They have been pretty on the up and up and justified. Just remember to keep your integrity and composure as you have those interactions. You will find it more impact, not only to her but more to yourself.

Continue to process, work and breathe. Grow and put your value in to your kids, work and yourself. That is a recipe that can only yield good stuff for you.

Sounds like your an awesome father.

As far as her barging in and proclaiming its her place too, I commend you for not throwing her through a window. But seriously I would change the damn locks. You're doing great, I remember when my kids were that age, kudos to you there man. That's gonna pay dividends. My daughter still lives with me and is finishing up vet assistant school, and she's well aware who blew up the family.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much & that you are dealing with such a game player.

Get emotional support around you, as much as you can, & proceed with doing whatever you need to do to regain your footing, & to start rebuilding your own life. If you are ready to push the divorce through, do it. If that's too much for you right now, put it on the back burner, but take care of you.

Keep track of all the things you are doing for yourself & your children. Also, there is nothing negative about letting your children know you are human & that you have feelings (assuming you're not leaning on them as a source of support)...think of when you have worked your way through this & they will see what you've pulled yourself through, this lesson will be very valuable to them.

I hope you have many moments that surprise you about your own strength. People tell me that things do shift if we allow them, I'm all for helping that along as much as possible by not romanticizing the relationship/ex & by trying to also give myself fair opportunity to grieve,

June is a really good month for your daughter to celebrate her birthday twice. One with Mom & one with you. Start making your own memories & traditions with your children. :)

Like #10

Thank you all! I appreciate the kind words.

It's been a rough few days for me. April 18th was one year since our last night together. She moved out after. I am amazed that after a year I still feel such a loss and pain. I know there is no going back but for some reason my thoughts and even my dreams are haunted with her image. The good times and all the things I miss. I wish I could just flip a switch and move on but that doesn't seem possible yet. I know I'm stronger now then I was a year ago. But this has changed me. I don't know if I'll ever trust again. I don't feel like I'll ever love again. And those sadden me almost daily.

You are in limbo land that is a soul sucking
Place to be. I could not begin to heal until
After the divorce and going no contact. I
Know you have children, very limited contact.

I am sorry for your pain it does get better
With time. Let yourself grieve, Go to divorce
care and a therapist if you want. Get in Touch
with yourself and your feelings and Emotions.

There is no magic pill to take this emotional
Pain and hurt away. Its a death of a marriage
And your dreams.

The trusting and dating are something if it
happens it happens. No where near yet ready.

(((( esl ))))

Listen, I had a dream the other night and my ex was in it as clear as day. I realize its kind of a recurring dream for me about being ignored / left, etc. But her face was the girls face this time, and I haven't had this dream or had her in one of my dreams for awhile.

So I tell you this because at some point, it isn't really about "her" anymore, but how you feel about yourself, your life or relationships in general. I was really sad when I woke up, but I knew it wasn't about my ex as much as it was about me and what I wanted in life, dont have, and lately been thinking I may never have: a real family.

Your hurt for your lost relationship is probably still very real, its only been a year. So a loser you are not. When you care about someone, especially so deeply, you were not prepared for what happened.

So continue to work towards gaining strength each day.