I was in your shoes earlier this year. My now ex husband abandoned myself and our 2 sons. At first I did not eat and could not concentrate on school or work for that matter. However, what kept me going was my sons. I could not allow them to see me break. Each morning I woke up, I was determined to make each day better than the previous one.
While this is not encouraging, you will go in and out of emotions during this period. Sometimes you will hate him, other times you will idolize him. It is all part of the process. What I would recommend is you trying to find a counselor to talk to. It may not seem like it, but depression can set in considering the circumstances. Also, if possible, take a couple of days off of work. Physically and emotionally, divorce can drain you.
Right now, you have to focus on your children and your health. I am not going to tell you to stop thing about your STBX, but recognize the thoughts about him, do not give it too much energy and take your mind somewhere else. It takes time to learn to do this, but believe me it is well worth it. Stay strong and continue to post when you need support.

Three years is a long time not to make headway or progress. I hope it gets better soon.

The 3 years were me being in denial, and feeling we were working things out. I have realized he never had any intention of working things out. During the 3 years sperated we talked everyday, went to dinner, spent holidays together, and I believed that in time we would get back together. 3 months ago, he told me he met someone, so now I am begining the divorce and healing process.

I don't know your whole story; like why the two of you separated to begin with but it sounds like he was sending mixed messages the past three years.

I know that being amicable is 'all the rage' but I honestly believe being friends with your ex does more damage than good. You have kids so you have to stay civil but that's all you're obligated to do (that and not bad mouth your stbx). I think that three year period of staying friends is what kept you stuck but I don't know the story.

I think for your own sake you need to limit contact with your ex as much as possible; at least until you heal. Even with kids there are ways to go about this. Set up google calendars so you can communicate things like doctor appointments, pick up, drop off, etc. You can both share the calendar by the way.

Keep communication about the divorce through the attorneys and try to keep most to all of your communication that's necessary through emails. Things have a way of getting ugly in the divorce process and electronic proof can be a god send.

I know that going no contact is hard after a long term relationship but it's crucial in helping you heal and move on. Again, I don't know what your reasons were for splitting but generally speaking everything ends badly, otherwise it doesn't end.

Sending support

http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

Are you aware of your emotional triggers?
Do you pray or do any type of meditation exercises?

I abhor men who string women along. He knew exactly what he was doing. He had you as insurance until he could finally find another woman. Please don't tell me y'all had sex within these 3 years. Ugh. Forget him. He's not even worth an infinitesimal space in your mind. 3 damn years playing with this woman's emotions...that rat.

The last person that I thought was my strength after my divorcee and loneness turned out to be a convicted sex offender. Scared me to death to get him out of my life. Some way, some how. we need to figure out how to find quiet peach and solitude in our loneliness. How can we do that?

some say nothing will "always" bring happiness. its about contentment and satisfaction in one's life, within the boundary of reality (making a "living" on daily basis... working, sleeping, washing, cleaning, cooking/eating etc.. the typical thing we all do).
about your ex partner being constantly on your mind, its not a surprise. you just need to give it a time. think of it as a habit (you have interacted with your ex partner for long time so its not a surprise that your mind is thinking about it even though the relationship has ended) since habit need time and constant effort to break free. maybe you have lot of spare time where you mind start to wonder and cannot focus on things. you should try make an effort to concentrate/focus on things that you enjoy doing (like hobbies/interest) not solely for the sake of distracting your thoughts away from your ex partner but to truly be present (mindful so that you can truly enjoy) in the moment and appreciate the experieneces it gives (the seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling, tasting etc......) .. afterall, this world is full of experiences and we have senses to experience them in many different way. (just don't ignore your mind/thoughts/intellect and heart when choosing which experience to go through and how to behave not only for your own wellbeing but for others around)
Somesay life doesn't have a meaning but ppl create them as they live them.

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I am at rock bottom, but knowing that makes me realize that I can't really feel worse, so I know at some point it will get better. The tears are still flowing, but not having any contact is helping. After 18 years, it is hard to let go completly, but I am sure on my way. My anxiety is very high right now, but I am trying to take care of myself. I will get up everyday and try, take 1 day at a time, and let out my tears. They say crying helps the healing process, so I am sure doing alot of that lately........

I agree w/the poster who said he used us as insurance and folks who string others along are AssHoles - excuse my french.

You gonna have to push through this - yes,18 years it's a long time - but 3 years in a limbo are also - how many more years before you set yourself free? He's living - so should you.

Best wishes and cyber hugs :)

Britanny, I have to take some exception to some of the other posts, most especially the one that suggests that three years is a long time to not have made any progress. Please do not think you have not made any progress and do not think that three years is a long time. Give yourself the respect of trusting your own process. It is going to take as long as it is going to take and there is nothing wrong with that. No one would expect a widow to be recovering at any particular pace and, in some ways, I think breakups can be more difficult than losing someone to death.

The other thing I can't quite follow is assuming that your ex is a nasty piece of work, only keeping you on the string until he found another woman. This may or may not be true but I didn't see anything in your posts to imply that is the case. I wouldn't make that assumption unless you gave more detail that supported it. What do you think - has he been keeping you in reserve? There are lots of reasons that people don't pursue a divorce right away.

It's only another opinion, but I think what you're feeling is absolutely normal and part of your grieving. It sounds to me like you're doing lots of things to recovering, but the "line" is not straight. It does go up and down and up and down again. It kind of makes me think of when my mum died. I did all the usual things that you have to do, got through the funeral and missing her so much. I was her executor, so that took several months. The day that I got the final forms, I cried like a baby, because I thought, "This is the last thing I can do for her." It was one more letting go.

I think that is why you feel so bereft again - it is another letting go, and there may be more steps in the future. Another analogy that comes to mind is that married people are like trees planted next to each other. Their lives entwine like the roots of the trees and the longer they grow like that, the more entwined the roots become. Maybe in some marriages, the roots tend to grow apart more than others or maybe one of the trees grows away, but no matter what, separating those roots hurts like hell.

I think you're moving in the right direction. I wish all the best.

Beautiful response, Chatoyant. I agree. Brittany, you were trying and holding out hope for someone you were married to, you did everything you could...nothing wrong with that. There are going to be many stages of letting go, because now you are doing the real heavy grief work. Take heart that it won't last forever. My last breakup was particularly hard because I was still in love and we kept getting back together..so it had been a broken relationship for almost 2 yrs! I shudder thinking of how long it has taken me to finally break free and start to feel better, but it is what it is. I needed to go through that because I wasn't strong enough and you know what? It taught me boundaries...I'm grateful for the experience..but not necessarily how much time I wasted. All we can do is the best we can do at any given moment in time with the knowledge and skills we possess.

Hang in there..we all know how you feel

Some beautiful responses... I was holding out for a reconciliation. I won't deny that. We lived apart for 3 years, but did everthing together. Spoke evryday, saw each other almost everyday, talked many times about trying to get back together. But he never really tried. He was my soulmate, so I figuered if I gave him some space, and worked on myself too, that we would find our way back. 3 months ago he told me he did not want to hurt me anymore than he already has, that he wanted a divorce. He said things would never be the same, and it was unfair to me. The truth is he had met someone. SOmeone he calls a "friend". Either way, he still has not filed, and I have now cut off contact with him. You are right........ Im in the real heavy grief process. I never did it before, because I was truly in denial. I am beyond heartbroken, but I still get up everyday, and go to work, so My therapist says I am funtioning well. I have stopped asking the why and if's to him..... I just don't care to know. Thank you all for the support.... Much needed

Brittany be gentle on yourself, and just truly love on yourself. If you really think about it, even though you have been living apart for the past 3 years, you very honestly are only now truly at the beginning of the full realisation that your marriage is over.
So you are only now truly starting the mourning phase, so all these tears are very very normal. You will quite possibly cry and cry until you run out of tears.
As horrible as it all feels right now, you will get to a better place. As someone else commented you need to take care of yourself and also focus on the fact that you need to be the rock for the kids when you are around them, because they are going to be going through all sorts of emotions with this major change too. But then again don't beat yourself up if they see you struggle at times. After all they need to know that you are human too.
Big, big ((((hugs)))
I promise it will get better over time, but you need to give yourself the time too.

Brittany, I think you are doing really well. You're going to work, you're taking care of yourself and your kids, you're seeing a therapist. That is a LOT for a person going through major grief.

My ex and I went though a period of time where we stayed in touch quite a bit, talking a couple of times a week, etc. I have not gone completely non-contact, as we still own property together so I have to talk to him occasionally about that. As much as it hurt me to anticipate not talking to him, it really did make it better for me. Even though I continued to think of him and have times of crying and pain, it started to happen less often after I stopped having contact with him.

I found that every time I talked to him, I came away feeling, at best, kind of anxious and vulnerable (does he miss me at all? is there any hope?) and, at worst, heart broken all over again. It exacerbated the roller coaster that is going to happen anyway.

I think New2Free is absolutely right.....gentle, gentle, gentle. Don't say, "I MUST never speak to him again!!" Say, "I'm taking care of myself today. I don't need to talk to him." Don't set out absolutes for yourself or beat yourself up at all, as that only delays your healing.

You're still sorting through the wreckage, but you will find things there that you can start to rebuild with. ((Brittany))