Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been divorced for over a year now and I have accepted it and moved on. I am a nice guy by nature and during the divorce I allowed my ex to strong arm me into giving her full physical custody of our children (she wanted this so that I would have to pay more in child support). Anyway, I really enjoy spending time with my children and spend as much time as I can with them. If my ex has plans to do something on a day when she has the children with her, she typically calls me first to see if I am available to take them while she does whatever it is she has to do. My problem is, she asks me to watch them quite often and she also has the children watch themselves (my oldest is 14 and can handle it) quite a lot as well. It seems like her social calender is her highest priority and the children are always a very distant 3rd or 4th in her list of priorities.
Here is my dilemna. Since I do enjoy spending as much time as I can with my kids, I find myself agreeing to watch them quite frequently (actually, I can only remember a handful of times when I have said no) ... but I find myself having an internal struggle that she is taking advantage of my love for our children to be able to go out and party with her freinds while I take on the responsibility she ASKED for in the divorce. She is the one that wanted custody of the children and actually threatened me during the divorce discussions over this very issue. I have talked to her about switching up custody to joint custody so I can spend more time with the children and she can have more time to do what she wants to. This would also mean that I would not have to pay her as much in child support ... her immediate response was, "No, I can't afford to keep the house if child support is reduced at all." Our divorce decree states that if there is going to be a reduction in child support because I am watching them more frequently, that the agreement has to be in writing between us. I know that she would not agree to this simply because she is only interested in the money. If I was to bring something to her in writing to ask for less financial payments to her because the children are spending more time with me, she is likely to stop asking me to watch our children.
What do I do in this situation? Should I go back to the court systems and seek a change to the custody agreement? The problem is that could be very expensive and I can't afford it right now. It is a sticky situation and I'm not sure what to do?
Here is my dilemna. Since I do enjoy spending as much time as I can with my kids, I find myself agreeing to watch them quite frequently (actually, I can only remember a handful of times when I have said no) ... but I find myself having an internal struggle that she is taking advantage of my love for our children to be able to go out and party with her freinds while I take on the responsibility she ASKED for in the divorce. She is the one that wanted custody of the children and actually threatened me during the divorce discussions over this very issue. I have talked to her about switching up custody to joint custody so I can spend more time with the children and she can have more time to do what she wants to. This would also mean that I would not have to pay her as much in child support ... her immediate response was, "No, I can't afford to keep the house if child support is reduced at all." Our divorce decree states that if there is going to be a reduction in child support because I am watching them more frequently, that the agreement has to be in writing between us. I know that she would not agree to this simply because she is only interested in the money. If I was to bring something to her in writing to ask for less financial payments to her because the children are spending more time with me, she is likely to stop asking me to watch our children.
What do I do in this situation? Should I go back to the court systems and seek a change to the custody agreement? The problem is that could be very expensive and I can't afford it right now. It is a sticky situation and I'm not sure what to do?
Just enjoy your kids. That is all that matters right now. Perhaps down the road you can take a look at changing things. If the kids are with you 1/2 the time later, then perhaps she can down size her home and will not need as much money. Both of you should have a comfortable place to have your kids in.
But for now, I would just want my kids as much as possible, no matter what money I was giving out. It is two different things.
Actually, last December she told me she was planning on getting married and she wanted to sit down and discuss changing up our agreement to joint custody so "she could spend more time with her new husband." The marriage plans fell apart and now she won't discuss changing things up due to the money.
As I stated, we have been divorced for over a year now and she just barely got a job a month ago. She had been relying stricly on me to provide for her financial needs. She sells cosmetics and costume jewelry out of her home but that was a huge money pit for 8 year in our marriage so it is highly unlikely that she was making much money from those two "jobs". It is not like she doesn't have any employable skills. She worked as an administrative assistant for 10 years. She has a real estate license and has been doing real estate for 8 years. She could easily have found a job before now but instead relied on me to provide for her.
In the meantime, I had to find a new place to live, furnish it, and establish a 'home' for myself. She didn't care that I was seriously struggling to make ends meet. She didn't make a big deal that I was now living in a small 2-bedroom apartment and all three of our children had to crowd into one bedroom when they spend the night with me. None of that bothered her at all as long as she got her monthly check from me then everything was hunky dorry to her.
If it were me and if I could afford to pay it I would until the kids are older.
Case in point, my oldest has been suffering from a cough and stuffy nose for around 6 weeks. I asked my ex if she planned on taking him to the doctor to find out why OTC cough medicines and decongestants weren't working and to see if there is anything they could do to alleviate the coughing (it is causing him a lot of distress). I would do it myself but work full time during the day and only have my kids with me on one weeknight or on the weekends when the his regular doctor's office is closed. My ex works part time and has her afternoons free to be able to do these things. She told me that she couldn't afford to take him to the doctor. That did not stop her from taking a personal trip to Las Vegas with some friends four weeks ago that cost her several hundred dollars. When my son asked her about how she could afford this trip but not afford to take him to the doctor, she got angry at him and told him to "mind his own business".
It is just so frustrating to see her spending several hundred dollars on new clothes, fake nails, tanning salon visits, trips to Las Vegas, nights out on the town with friends, and alcohol, and then have her turn around and tell me that she can't afford to keep the house without my support payments. If she was to cut back on her own frivolous expenses then she would be able to afford to keep the house without relying on me to do it for her. I have been able to tighten my belt and go without a lot of things in order to keep a roof over my head and continue to pay child support and spousal support. I bust my butt at work in order to provide for my children and to support myself ... and to see her spend so much on social activities when the money should be put to use to pay bills and become self sufficient ...
UGGHH, it is just so frustrating. Her inability to control her spending is the reason she had a $50k credit card debt at the time of our divorce. A debt she concealed from me by acquiring the cards online.