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Stbx and kids

diemjs
diemjs
First, let me ask this.

My stbx calls the kids, oh, once in a blue moon. He does see them every other weekend, but as far as phone calls are comcerned, pretty much never. Last night he calls to talk to the kids, and mentioned to them that they can come over some night next week. (kids are 4 and 7). My son, (4) thinks he is going over today!! My point and question is, shouldnt he be asking ME when the kids can come over? I mean, right now we have joint custody, but putting thoughts into the heads of these kids is wrong! Right? How do I go about saying something to him about this? Remember, I am the one who is afraid to say anything to him:)

Second, I have another question, but will save it for another time with another post!
Che2
Che2
Yes..he should be asking you.

You could tell him that your son misunderstood..and you want to be able to help him understand what day he is going to spend with his dad. That might help.

These discussions are hard because they often end up in an argument..but it's better to let him know what your expectations are now. He'll listen or he won't..but at least he'll know.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, you are right he should be coordinating with you. The kids need access to both parents and both parents should suck up the uncomfortable coordination that is necessary to ensure the kids emotional well-being and disappoinment is managed. Although I dreaded the emails when my first wife and I separated/divorced we would email each other to confirm which house the kids were at. There is great potential for the kids to get hurt so coordination is critical. There will always be those last minute routine changes but as often as possible the two of you should limit those as best as possible. Like I said, this is just one of those things you have to suck up for the sake of the kids. I recommend emails or text messaging to coordinate times and keep it simple. Best of luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
your going to have to get over the fear of telling him things, no matter how he reacts. this is for the benefit of the children. he needs to realize that the 4 year old has no concept of time. and it would benefit everyone concerned if he would talk to you about it, in case you had plans with the kids. you can do this. you have grown so much and have gained so much strength.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree, you guys have to agree if the child says yes I wanna be with dad the you guys make plans.
patti22
patti22
Yes, he should be talking to you. And he should have never told the four year old until the day before or day of the visit. A week is forever in kid time. But other than telling him how much his four year old was excited and thought that it was that day, there is little you can do. In my experience, stbx's tend to blame mom for the kids feelings at that age. So if he doesn't respond positively to your remarks, you'll have to drop it. The kids will learn soon enough that daddy is or is not reliable.
deleted_user
deleted_user
U need to tell him that no plans are gonna be followed through unless u and him make said plans that it is in custody papers normally that u do not use your kids as information tools or messengers and in a way that is what he is doing tell mommy u can come over next week type of thing u are the adults plans can include kids input but is ultimately made by the adults!!!!